Archive for July, 2009

by Gina Jacobson. Gina is a wife, a mom, a Leo. She works for a non-profit organisation. Is a procrastinator. Loves sci-fi, sushi, good books and Scrabble. Her blog is made up of A Bit of This a Bit of That.

Almost two years ago I gave birth to the sweetest most delightful baby. He barely made a peep and he latched straight away. My heart swelled with love for him, once the pain killers wore off and I was able to comprehend the magnitude of our little miracle. For three nights the nurses took him to the nursery and brought him to me when he wanted to feed, I got to spend all day watching this amazing little bundle. He was perfect. I was in love.

Then we came home.

The first thing I realized was that my perception of the world around me had changed. The car ride home from the hospital was one of the most nerve wracking experiences of my life. Every car, bike and pedestrian was a potential threat to my baby. Watching a movie (in 6 parts over 4 hours) made my heart clutch when a child or baby was portrayed, my mind kept replacing the baby on screen with my baby and most times I could not bear to watch. Introducing our three little Daschunds to the new baby was too scary to contemplate, it turned out we didn’t have to worry, they became very protective of our newest family member.

The second thing I realized was that I was an hormonal mess. I remember sitting on the floor sobbing because all of the bras I owned were sticking out of my shirt, I was hysterical, why did no one tell me I would need to get nursing bras that looked like regular bras? Did I mention I was hysterical? The simple solution was my mom swinging past the shops on the way to visit us and arriving with three new bras. At which point I burst into even more hysterical tears because she loved me! I think my husband thought his wife had been replaced by an alien.

The third thing I realized was that no matter what you read, no matter how many people you talk to and no matter how much you learn before having a baby there are things that are still going to make you say “why the hell didn’t I know that?” I read, I researched, I asked questions and still every day brings new questions and revelations.

The fourth thing I realized was that when people say that there is a little piece of your heart walking around out there, its 100% truth.

I’m learning to embrace the unknown, to roll with the punches and go with the flow. Almost two years down the line I still look at my child and shake my head in wonder at the things he teaches me. Every. Single. Day.
Posted in baby, parent/baby, parent/child, parenting

by Nikki Bush & Ilze van der Merwe

Every adult has “been there” – through the trials and tribulations of puberty – with all its emotional ups and downs, physical changes and many, many questions about what, where and how. Who was there to help you with answers to your questions? I believe that handling sexuality education with your child is one of the most important connection opportunities.  If handled well, it will go a long way to building trust, openness and candour. This is why I co-authored Easy Answers to Awkward Questions with educational psychologist Ilze van der Merwe who specialises in how and when to tell children about the birds and the bees.  Here is the blurb from the back of our book which was launched at the end of last month:

“Children today want and need answers to questions about physical changes in puberty and related matters, much sooner than their parents did. They are more sexualized, growing up faster, and entering puberty earlier than ever before. Yet many parents still either avoid sexuality education or miss it completely through their own ignorance or fears.

This book is the answer! Written for children between the ages of 8 and 13 in an easy question and answer format, with delightful illustrations to add a fun element, it will double as an invaluable guide for parents so that they can answer their children’s questions candidly, with knowledge, sensitivity and humour.”

We are proud to announce that Easy Answers to Awkward Questions has been endorsed by Childline.

“Childline South Africa endorses this valuable book. Children need clear and practical information to help them develop responsible attitudes to their bodies, relationships and sexual behaviour. Ignorance about adolescence and sexuality creates vulnerability to abuse and exploitation, as well as contributing to low self-esteem and poor self-management. We applaud the simple way in which questions are asked and responded to in this book.” Joan van Niekerk, Manager: National Advocacy & Traning, Childline South Africa.

Easy Answers to Awkward Questions is available in major bookstores retailing at R125.00.  You can also place your orders with The Bright Ideas Outfit for delivery within South Africa.  It is also available in Afrikaans, entitled, Maklike Antwoorde op Ongemaklike Vrae.

by Barrie Bramley a father, a husband and an eager student in the art of loving life. His passion is to create and see the world differently. From time to time he writes for ‘JOZIKIDS, working with them to provide resources and support to parents attempting to understand themselves in this critically important role.  He has a family blog that can be found at http://www.bramley.co.za

Calling on an ‘outside power’ to assist you in a conflict situation with a child, breaks down relationships and disempowers children.

Sitting at a primary school the other day, two grade one’s approached me, and very confidently asked me who I was? I informed them that my name was Peter Parker, also known as Spiderman. Of course the usual banter of disbelief kicked in, until I dropped a bombshell, by letting them know that their principal was my brother, who was also the Incredible Hulk (the former being untrue, but I can’t guarantee the latter). The banter continued until one of them decided to call my bluff, and announced they were going to the principal to confirm the facts.

I watched them approach the administration block, smiling at the possible reaction of the principal to the query around his ‘other persona? As they got to the main doors they did an about-turn and told me they couldn’t go and ask him, because they’d get into trouble.

This troubled me. I knew their principal fairly well, and I was 100% certain he would have enjoyed and appreciated the ‘intrusion’ of these two curious children to his afternoon activities.

So where did it come from? How do two 6 year olds get this sort of message so early on in their school career – that principals are unapproachable and possibly not very nice people?

I had an opportunity to chat to the ‘Incredible Hulk’ a few days later. He suggested that in a school, the principal was often the last line of defense. When teachers ran out of options with regard to discipline they called on his name. “If you don’t behave yourself I’m going to call the principal!” I’ve heard that many times in my life. Unfortunately there aren’t many teachers I can remember, who said things like, “You’re one amazing child. March yourself into the principal’s office and tell him/her that you’re the most wonderful child I’ve ever taught.” Of course there are the exceptions, but generally I’d be prepared to bet it’s not the norm.

This is also true in a family setting. It’s usually the dad that gets set up in this role, but certainly not exclusively. I remember my mom saying to me on many an occasion, “Just wait until your father gets home. He’ll deal with you!” Imagine dad arriving home? All the child sees is trouble. They’re not looking forward to dad coming home, and no matter how much dad may want to put his arms around his child, the environment isn’t going to allow it. He walks into a battle zone. Mom v child. Child v mom. And now child v dad. And if he doesn’t play his cards right, it will probably escalate to include mom v dad.

We all do it. When we reach the end of our patience or ability in the moment, and we begin to lose control, we search for a higher power. Surely somewhere outside of us there must be a solution? So we call on those outside powers. We call on God. We call on mom. We call on dad. We call on the principal. We call on the Incredible Hulk. We call on anything and anybody that will put an end to our inability to cope in the current situation. Someone who will give us a break, allow us to shift responsibility, and to find some control for just a little while.

And if we’re honest it’s not OK. Because in the process of outsourcing the responsibility we break down relationships and we disempower our children. Relationships deteriorate as new parties get involved who weren’t involved in the initial event. And we disempower the child by deferring them to someone on the outside of what’s going on. Someone who will use their rank, power and authority to bring an end to whatever is going on.

We’re living in a quick fix, fast paced world in which we’re all supposed to be experts. Failure, especially in the care of children, is not acceptable. So when we find ourselves at ‘battle’ with children, and we feel the familiarity of a chaotic situation sneaking up on us, what do we do? There is plenty to do.

Firstly, realise you’re an adult and you’re dealing with a child. The idea of a ‘battle’ between the two is simply silly. You can crush them without thinking. You’re big and they’re small. You’re powerful and they’re powerless. You’ve been around the block a couple of times. They’re still not certain how big the block is?

Secondly stop! Even if it’s just in your mind, and ask yourself what’s going on? How did we get here? It’s OK to take a time out. Not just the child, but yourself as well. Step back, walk away. Leave the heat of the situation for a few minutes to reflect on what’s happening?

Thirdly, children aren’t ‘naughty’. I hate that word. There is no abnormal or ‘bad’ behaviour from a child. They’re not sophisticated enough to be that deliberate. All children behave normally. It’s the situation or environment that’s become abnormal. They’re just working out how to survive and cope, and what they end up doing is aimed at that outcome exclusively. It’s not about you. If you attach anything more complex to their motives, you’re giving away far more credit than you should. Normal behaviour in an abnormal environment.

If we can step back and look at the behaviour without judging it. Simply listing the facts. If we can then try and understand why the child is behaving like that? We can then begin to objectively see how we’ve contributed to creating the abnormality in the environment and/or what we as extremely powerful adults can do to change the environment back into one that is safe and inviting for the child?

We do need to work harder in this space as parents and teachers. We need to find better ways to manage our relationships. We need to do a lot more work understanding why we lose ourselves in these moments? We need to accept that these moments will become chaotic for a while, and that chaos is OK. We learn through chaos. We trust process through chaos. And where there’s a mutual respect between any two people, the short period of chaos in a conflict moment will ultimately result in growth, intimacy and increased trust.

We have to start by not shifting the responsibility by calling in the Incredible Hulk.

This article was written by Marvellous Maids,  a company that specialises in  placing domestic workers.
We are asked on a daily basis about having domestic workers tested for HIV/Aids. The short answer is NO.

Of course you may ask someone to be tested and even make the arrangements with your own medical practitioner for the test to be done, but you cannot demand that someone be tested or make his or her employment dependant on their agreement to be tested.

Should your domestic worker agree to be tested for HIV/Aids, he or she will have to sign an informed consent form even before blood may be drawn. The worker will receive counseling before the test and will be asked if they are undergoing testing as a pre-condition of employment. They will then be counseled that they are not legally obliged to undergo the test or to inform their employer of the results

Read more about this issue on the Marvellous Maids website

Teaching children the importance of recycling and caring for their environment -

In an ideal society, recycling should be as natural to your children as brushing their teeth, packing away their toys and putting on their seatbelts when climbing into a car. Not because they are radical environmentalists or the offspring of crazy tree huggers, but rather simply because its all they know!From a tender age, we teach our children to say please and thank you, we tell them not to talk to strangers, not to litter and so many other small yet essential life skills that we dont even consciously think about. Why should lessons in environmental protection and recycling be any different?

Knowledge is empowering so begin by educating your children regarding the potentially negative impact that glass has on our environment and how they can help make a difference

by reusing and recycling it.Due to the fact that it is not bio-degradable, glass can cause:

- Unsightly litter
- Injury to human and animal life
- Pollution of natural water sources
- Fires broken glass is a key factor in the starting of runaway veld fires which can have a devastating impact on the environment
- Due to the fact that glass does not decompose, it ends up in landfills which are notonly unsightly, but have a negative effect on our soil, vegetation and underground water systems and are breeding grounds for disease carrying vermin

Recycling is easy, and tips from The Glass Recycling Company to be followed include-:
- Recycle all glass containers not just beverage bottles. Containers, which hold food, medicine, and household items and are made of glass are all recyclable
- Reuse old containers they are great for storing paint, crayons, buttons and arts and crafts tools such as paint brushes, rulers and much more
- Explain to your children what is recyclable and what is not.For example, light bulbs and cookware such as pyrex are NOT recyclable. They
have different properties that can contaminate a recyclable load of glass
- Plan your trips to the bottle banks to fit into your daily schedule it will become part of your plan rather than a chore! Take your children along with you and show them how and where to put their bottles.
- In South Africa, it is not necessary to wash glass before placing it into Glass Banks in addition to this, we dont need to separate different
coloured glass into separate banks.All in all recycling is very easy
- Encourage your childs school to participate or start a recycling programme of their own

There is no doubt that children are influenced by their peers. By making recycling a way of life and making it as habitual as the other lessons we teach them, before we know it, we will have a generation of recyclers that work together to build a sustainable environment. In this way, the balance in society will shift from a generation of non-recyclers to a generation of recyclers that respect our planet. To find more about a glass bank in your area, visit the Glass Recycling Company Web site http: //www.theglassrecyclingcompany.co.za

Breast feeding is a wonderful special time for mom and baby. But despite ‘Breast is Best’ slogans and most woman wanting to at least try to breast feed, so many land up with bottles and formula. They have stories of all the things that went wrong and are often lead to believe that they just could not breast feed. Being physically unable to breast-feed has been likened to being as rare as physically being unable to swim … the majority of mothers that can’t breast feed are in the same category as those who can’t swim – they have sadly never learnt how.

Why? Isn’t natural? Should it not just be something that we can instinctively do? Contrary to common perception breastfeeding is not specifically instinctive even though it is a natural process. It is a skill that both Mother and Baby need to learn! Traditionally girls learnt about breastfeeding from seeing the women around them doing it – it was the norm. Unfortunately in modern culture very few of us today actually see other woman breast feeding openly or have a role model from which to learn. So when it comes to breast feeding ourselves we don’t really know what to do. New babies also have to learn what to do, so if the mom is unsure the baby can pick up bad habits from the beginning getting things off to a difficult start. Throw in some misleading old wives tales and hospitals often being quick to offer top up feeding and it is no wonder so many fail in what should be a wonderful experience.

Women spend a lot of time researching birth and other parenting options but not that much on breast feeding. We have put a lot of information on Breast Feeding on our website as we feel it is something women need to learn about before the birth. Be pro-active, join the La Leche League while pregnant so you are already educated in breastfeeding before you need to start. This way, even as a new mother, you will already be confident in what you want to do and need to do. Without this prior knowledge and self-belief, it is too easy to be misled by the conflicting and often incorrect information a new mother is bombarded with in those first few critical days after the birth. Be aware that if you have your baby in hospital you need to be very clear about the baby not getting supplementary feeds and be prepared for staff members giving different advice with regards to breastfeeding. The best idea is to be educated and then if you have problem ask to speak to a lactation consultant or better still go to the hospital armed with the number of a recommended lactation consultant or a friend who has successfully breast feed and is willing to come and help.

The biggest thing is to get help early if things are going wrong. Incorrect latch is one of the biggest problems leading to just about every reason why breast feeding fails.

Please contact Sally at info@earthbabies.co.za or visit the Earth Babies website if you want more information on Breast Feeding or have a question we could help with.

I have shared custody with my ex-husband. So that means he should take the kids every second weekend but the reality is that its more like time share custody. He picks a weekend/s and sees them then.

While it isnt regular contact, it does still mean the kids have two homes. They have two rooms. What they dont have though is two sets of toys or two sets of clothes. Purely because their father insists on sending the stuff he buys them home with them.

It is a bit of a logistical nightmare. Their dad is in Joburg and I am in Pretoria. So if school shoes have been forgotten I can not pop over and fetch them. It is easier to actually just buy new ones.

What I do now is keep the clothes he has bought them and send those with them when they do go. So that if they do forget them, then its not part of the items we use daily. Now that Cameron is in school and has an overpriced uniform, its an added concern. If a jersey gets left behind, he cant wear another one he needs that one. I now remind him constantly to remember to put his uniform in his bag when he gets changed at his dads house. We have been lucky so far with this.

Clothes arent the only problem with two homes. The toys are another issue. Kids get attached to a certain toy. It changes weekly/daily but if it is that toy that day when nothing else matters. If that toy gets forgotten then it is great drama. In the beginning they would pack toys to take with but I have now managed to get them to stop doing that.

When Kiara was still on the bottle I made the mistake of sending her bottle with her. It was THE bottle and it did not come back. I ended up driving from Emergency chemist to Emergency chemist trying to find a bottle my daughter would take. Dealing with a tired, unsettled child on a Sunday evening is not such fun.

We have been doing the timeshare custody for three years now and while we have managed to work out system that seems to be working, it can be a challenge. Fortunately kids are pretty adaptable and have also figured out a way of dealing with the fact that they have two homes.

Those of us who find reading easy, and enjoy it, find it difficult to understand how a child battles with reading.

Reading is, in fact, a complex skill to master. There are squiggles that represent sounds and letters, and we combine these together to form a word. Words are combined to form sentences which have meaning. To confuse matters, English has tricky or exception words. Find the f in enough!

Recent brain scanning research has shown that auditory, visual and motor functions must be activated and co-ordinated simultaneously whilst reading. This allows the neural bonds between letters and sound combinations to develop, which is vital to the reading process.

A hiccup in any of these areas, or the links between them, could result in a reading difficulty. Professor Max Coltheart of Macquarie University in Sydney, Australia, advises parents to consider reading treatments that address all areas of the reading process, and whose results have been scientifically evaluated.

There is a direct relationship between phonological awareness and later reading success. We want children to notice sounds and manipulate them. This includes having fun with words, such as rhyming, playing I spy, listening to the beginnings, middles and ends of words, and being able to identify if they start or end with the same sound. Also, being able to take words apart and put them together assists in developing skill eg what is hotdog without the dog?

A love of reading is developed from having a positive connotation with books. Read bedtime stories snuggled under the duvet. Use this time to expand a childs vocabulary, explain unfamiliar words, and discuss what a character in the story would be feeling. Discuss interesting adjectives moving beyond nice, small, sad, and glad. These are things that can assist creative writing skills. Even homework reading can be done in bed, so that it becomes something to look forward to rather than a chore done while the baby is screaming and the dinner is burning.

If a child is static in his reading, re-read the passage. This will re-inforce new words and assist in giving him the practice and confidence needed.

In older children read material that is easy, challenging and hard. Reading from material that is easy, builds confidence and instils a feeling of I can. Kids feel very important if they can read to a younger sibling.

Read from material that is challenging, eg a school reader – material that is at an age appropriate level where the child is introduced to some new words, and his reading ability is pushed to improve.

Read from material that is difficult. This should be something that the child is interested in eg a book on dinosaurs or cars. Reading at this level should be assisted by the parent and is a good way of developing a desire to cope with more difficult material.

If your child is not coping, take steps to assist as early as possible. Speak to the teacher if you are concerned. Eliminate the obvious have ears and eyes tested. Have a reading assessment done to isolate the area of difficulty. Childrens reading should improve by a year for every 12 months that pass. If a child is not improving at this rate, the gap keeps widening between where they are and where they should be.

Reading is a fundamental skill that is required for all learning. Even children that are more Maths and Science orientated will require reading for story sums and tests. Addressing a problem in the early stages will avoid a reading problem from becoming a learning problem.

Angela Charalambous

The Workshop Reading Centre

011 763 5880

www.the-workshop.co.za

By Je’anna L Clements, Aware Parenting Instructor

 Copyright J L Clements 2009 This article may be printed, forwarded and shared without written consent of the author only where there is no commercial gain. Visit www.awareparenting.com

 “Sigh. I am so sad. I am so unpopular. Why do parents try to force me on children instead of letting me play with them? If I was trapped in a tight-wrapped towel while my mouth was forcibly invaded by me, I’m sure I’d hate me too.  I’m sure if I was allowed to play more the children would get to like me…”

 At a recent Aware Parenting support group meeting in Jo’burg, the hot topic of the day was: tooth-brushing. It seems that many families battle to get kids to brush their teeth. Despairing parents spoke about dentists who recommend the method known and hated by the toothbrush above.

While it might seem that restraining your child and forcibly cleaning their teeth is the only sensible option when faced with the reality of cavities, are you sure that’s the route you want to go?

Some objections parents raised were:

Okay… so you have to keep them wrapped and struggling, and then you hold the mouth open without getting bitten, and without choking them, and without hitting their gag reflex, and manage to accurately get the teeth clean, um… Serious? I am just a single mom not a rugby team!

How will I manage that when they are teenagers?

Surely then they will hate toothbrushes for the rest of their lives?

How is that going to teach them to love and respect their bodies and take care of themselves, including their teeth?

And my own objection:
1)What would such a violent act do to our relationship? As a child my own teeth were brushed every day twice a day without fail, but I still got cavities! How will I feel if I’ve made my child hate me and then they get cavities as well, anyway?Some parents suggested non-violent authoritarian measures such as withholding privileges or threatening ‘the naughty chair’. While these can work well and are less horrifying for the child than the towel-wrap method, some of the objections above still apply.

 So instead, we decided to collect some other, more positive strategies and share them around. Thanks to the parents who shared. Maybe you’d like to try all of these, before believing you have to resort to more desperate measures. A different one each day, will keep things interesting.
Giving accurate information. Some children as young as two or three can understand “there are teeny, tiny little bugs that are too small to even see, that live on your teeth. They love sugar, and eat up all the sugar and other food that is left on your teeth, and then poo on your teeth. Eeeuw! That poo is so yucky that it even makes holes in your teeth. And when the holes get big then your teeth will really, really hurt. So what do you think if we rather brush those horrible bugs right off your teeth so they can’t poo on your teeth in the night? And brush all the sugar and old food away so your teeth are clean and lovely. Great idea, huh?”

 Remember that small children will need reminders like “Hmm, yes, I can see you don’t feel like brushing today, but then what about those horrid bugs?”

 For slightly older children share your delight at how precious their ‘little pearls’ are. Help them be proud of their healthy, beautiful selves.

2) Changing the environment.

Have more than one toothbrush, of the fun kind. Let the child choose which lucky toothbrush gets to do the job tonight.

Sometimes give the option of using a washcloth to clean the teeth instead of a toothbrush. Children enjoy the novelty of that, and teeth will get clean.

Read up on Xylitol. Xylitol on the toothbrush, neat, is pretty yummy and most kids will happily chew especially if given half a tsp of the stuff in a shot-glass to dip their toothbrush into till it is all chewed off. On the odd occasion you could allow the kids to have a few ‘teeth cleaning sweeties’ (pure compressed Xylitol with natural flavour) and skip the toothbrush, just for today.  

3) Play

You brush mine, I’ll brush yours.

Make the toothbrush (in a squeaky voice) refuse to brush the teeth and try to escape, and let your child force it, while it wails and protests all the way. Most small children love the chance to switch power roles.

Forbid the toothbrush (also in a silly voice) to help the child brush, because you want the child to get holes in their teeth and the toothbrush must not help the child prevent this. When they giggle and start brushing, continue (always in a silly voice so it is clear you are playing) to demand that they ‘stop it at once!’

Make up silly tooth-brushing songs set to familiar tunes. Your singing stops every time the brushing does. If you are really bad at this, that can also be part of the fun – ham it up even more!

Get a toothbrush for Teddy, who will ask the child to please show how. Teddy copies and asks questions.

4) Offer Choices

Do you want to brush before or after the bedtime story?

Do you want to brush your teeth in the bathtub/ shower/ at the kitchen sink/ in the garden? (Choices are best offered just two at a time to keep things focussed.)

Would you like to do it yourself today or should the funny hand (draw a face on your hand)/ silly puppet do it?

5) Prioritise

If there is the occasional night or morning where nothing works and it doesn’t get done, maybe consider letting that be that. A single occasion of skipping the toothbrush will not create instant cavities, and may give your child the sense of having real choice that makes the other methods work tomorrow and the next day, and the next, and the next…

In spite of what the dentist might say, is it more important to protect the baby teeth that will fall out anyway, or to establish a relationship of trust with your child that results in them really listening to your opinions about health as they grow? Some families wait till a child feels ready and chooses to start brushing.  

6) Model behaviour

Make sure they get to see you brushing regularly.

Let them interview favourite friends and relatives (whom you know to have good dental habits) to find out about why they brush their teeth. Do not do this on the child’s behalf, it needs to be a genuine conversation.

When you make up stories together, make sure that, in passing, all their favourite characters brush. Even the Easter Bunny brushes after eating all that chocolate!

After all, as one parent commented, it’s easy to fool your parents and the dentist once you are ten or older – you can get away with brushing only when you know they’ll check. All the rest of the time you can just wet your toothbrush, squeeze a bit of toothpaste down the plughole, or smear a bit on your tongue if they use the sniff-check. So is it worth relying on force at the beginning, knowing that it will either lock you into a permanent cycle of having to be the constant enforcer, or just plain stop working in the end? 

The final words, of course, belong to the toothbrush:

“I’m a child’s best friend, really. We’ll get along so well once they find that out! Please help me, Mom and Dad!”  

School holidays can be a parents biggest nightmare. Even if you are in a two parent home. What should be perfect family bonding time is often a time of great stress for parents. When you are single, all those stresses multiply. You cant play tag team with anyone in terms of taking leave. Its just you. You have to make a plan for those days. Even in a two parent home you arent able to take leave every time its school holidays. Companies do not offer that amount of leave. So what you are left to do is once again walk the tightrope that is parenting while juggling balls in the air that is reality.

Now that I am single my only option is to keep them in holiday care. This in itself takes planning because now that Cameron is in Gr 1, the holiday care is an extra R30 per day. So I need to make sure I budget for it.

I am not able to take them away each holiday, so we plan for one holiday per year. This year it is in October. So it leaves me with 3 other holidays to plan and budget for.

While I am sure that spending time with their friends is fun for them, I do feel sometimes like they are missing out on being able to stay at home.

My mom was a teacher so she was at home with us every holiday. We also only did one major holiday a year but the rest of the holidays my brother and I were at home or at play dates with friends. I, unfortunately, am not able to provide my children with that.

Their father has taken them away a few times over the last three years but it is not a regular, consistent thing so we cant rely on that. It is up to me to provide them with holiday memories. And for now, at least, those memories will be made at Holiday care.