by Barrie Bramley a father, a husband and an eager student in the art of loving life. His passion is to create and see the world differently. From time to time he writes for ‘JOZIKIDS, working with them to provide resources and support to parents attempting to understand themselves in this critically important role.  He has a family blog that can be found at http://www.bramley.co.za

Calling on an ‘outside power’ to assist you in a conflict situation with a child, breaks down relationships and disempowers children.

Sitting at a primary school the other day, two grade one’s approached me, and very confidently asked me who I was? I informed them that my name was Peter Parker, also known as Spiderman. Of course the usual banter of disbelief kicked in, until I dropped a bombshell, by letting them know that their principal was my brother, who was also the Incredible Hulk (the former being untrue, but I can’t guarantee the latter). The banter continued until one of them decided to call my bluff, and announced they were going to the principal to confirm the facts.

I watched them approach the administration block, smiling at the possible reaction of the principal to the query around his ‘other persona? As they got to the main doors they did an about-turn and told me they couldn’t go and ask him, because they’d get into trouble.

This troubled me. I knew their principal fairly well, and I was 100% certain he would have enjoyed and appreciated the ‘intrusion’ of these two curious children to his afternoon activities.

So where did it come from? How do two 6 year olds get this sort of message so early on in their school career – that principals are unapproachable and possibly not very nice people?

I had an opportunity to chat to the ‘Incredible Hulk’ a few days later. He suggested that in a school, the principal was often the last line of defense. When teachers ran out of options with regard to discipline they called on his name. “If you don’t behave yourself I’m going to call the principal!” I’ve heard that many times in my life. Unfortunately there aren’t many teachers I can remember, who said things like, “You’re one amazing child. March yourself into the principal’s office and tell him/her that you’re the most wonderful child I’ve ever taught.” Of course there are the exceptions, but generally I’d be prepared to bet it’s not the norm.

This is also true in a family setting. It’s usually the dad that gets set up in this role, but certainly not exclusively. I remember my mom saying to me on many an occasion, “Just wait until your father gets home. He’ll deal with you!” Imagine dad arriving home? All the child sees is trouble. They’re not looking forward to dad coming home, and no matter how much dad may want to put his arms around his child, the environment isn’t going to allow it. He walks into a battle zone. Mom v child. Child v mom. And now child v dad. And if he doesn’t play his cards right, it will probably escalate to include mom v dad.

We all do it. When we reach the end of our patience or ability in the moment, and we begin to lose control, we search for a higher power. Surely somewhere outside of us there must be a solution? So we call on those outside powers. We call on God. We call on mom. We call on dad. We call on the principal. We call on the Incredible Hulk. We call on anything and anybody that will put an end to our inability to cope in the current situation. Someone who will give us a break, allow us to shift responsibility, and to find some control for just a little while.

And if we’re honest it’s not OK. Because in the process of outsourcing the responsibility we break down relationships and we disempower our children. Relationships deteriorate as new parties get involved who weren’t involved in the initial event. And we disempower the child by deferring them to someone on the outside of what’s going on. Someone who will use their rank, power and authority to bring an end to whatever is going on.

We’re living in a quick fix, fast paced world in which we’re all supposed to be experts. Failure, especially in the care of children, is not acceptable. So when we find ourselves at ‘battle’ with children, and we feel the familiarity of a chaotic situation sneaking up on us, what do we do? There is plenty to do.

Firstly, realise you’re an adult and you’re dealing with a child. The idea of a ‘battle’ between the two is simply silly. You can crush them without thinking. You’re big and they’re small. You’re powerful and they’re powerless. You’ve been around the block a couple of times. They’re still not certain how big the block is?

Secondly stop! Even if it’s just in your mind, and ask yourself what’s going on? How did we get here? It’s OK to take a time out. Not just the child, but yourself as well. Step back, walk away. Leave the heat of the situation for a few minutes to reflect on what’s happening?

Thirdly, children aren’t ‘naughty’. I hate that word. There is no abnormal or ‘bad’ behaviour from a child. They’re not sophisticated enough to be that deliberate. All children behave normally. It’s the situation or environment that’s become abnormal. They’re just working out how to survive and cope, and what they end up doing is aimed at that outcome exclusively. It’s not about you. If you attach anything more complex to their motives, you’re giving away far more credit than you should. Normal behaviour in an abnormal environment.

If we can step back and look at the behaviour without judging it. Simply listing the facts. If we can then try and understand why the child is behaving like that? We can then begin to objectively see how we’ve contributed to creating the abnormality in the environment and/or what we as extremely powerful adults can do to change the environment back into one that is safe and inviting for the child?

We do need to work harder in this space as parents and teachers. We need to find better ways to manage our relationships. We need to do a lot more work understanding why we lose ourselves in these moments? We need to accept that these moments will become chaotic for a while, and that chaos is OK. We learn through chaos. We trust process through chaos. And where there’s a mutual respect between any two people, the short period of chaos in a conflict moment will ultimately result in growth, intimacy and increased trust.

We have to start by not shifting the responsibility by calling in the Incredible Hulk.

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