Archive for August, 2009

by Laura-kim, single mom, recently divorced with 2 kids and the author of the blog  female2female

As a parent, we teach our children acceptance. We teach them to accept themselves, their faults and their strengths. We teach them that different is simple that – its different. Not bad or wrong – just different.

We teach them to love themselves. To love their bodies. To embrace their overly curly hair that has a life of its own, or that their totally skew pinky fingers are unique and special or their freckles make them who they are. We build them up, every day.

I have no doubt Caster’s mother did this. I have no doubt she taught her daughter to love herself, to believe in herself. I am sure when she came home from being teased, as all children are at some point, she told her to not listen to them and hold her head up high.

But imagine, for one second that the WORLD is telling you you are ugly. Every time you switch on the news – any news, there you are with a comment about how you aren’t a women. Every time you drive past a newspaper vendor there you are – reminded that the world can not accept you. Every time you google your name – more reminders you are too different.

Imagine that?

I remember being 18. I was overweight, insecure and angry with the world (and the world didn’t even know me). My friends, even the thin ones were going through the same insecurities, the same anger and confusion. It comes with being 18 and standing on the edge of childhood, deciding when to jump into the frightening world of adulthood. It is one of the hardest times of our lives.

Now imagine feeling that AND having the world watching you – for all the wrong reasons?

Everytime I see this women on the news my heart aches for her. As a women, I can only imagine the depth of the scars that something like this will leave on her. Everything about who she is is being questioned. The very core of what makes us women is being questioned and analysed.

It is, for me, a disgusting show of human behaviour. It is one thing being accused of being a drug addict, it is another being accused of being you and the world saying that it is wrong. Drug addiction is a choice – Semenya had no choice as to how she was born.

What makes this all worse for me is that her times were never even that amazing. They weren’t the best in the world. They were just better than her times and the women she beat. Had she come 3rd or last – would the world have cared? Would they have attacked her like this?

What lesson does this teach our children? That we will accept you if you look a certain way? That you can achieve if you look like we want you too look? That its ok to be different as long as you don’t achieve great things? That it is ok to ridicule and insult and publicly hurt another human being?

Whatever one of those it is – none of them are lessons I want my children to learn.

Castor has received huge support. People arrived at the airport to support her. Articles, like this, have been written in support of her. Which is really awesome. But it doesn’t and never will take away the sheer defeat she must feel in her quiet moments. It will never make her feel accepted.

We have wounded a young women deeply.

Just need to add: I am well aware of the gene issues involved here and I accept them (to a point) but it in, no way make the way this women was treated acceptable.

by Laura-kim, single mom, recently divorced with 2 kids and the author of the blog Harrassed Mom

On Saturday I was reminded of the ugly side of human beings.

The kids and I attended the Wet Nose Fun Day. The Wet Nose is a right to life organization that cares for injured, abused and forgotten animals. It was founded in 1999 by Tracy Forte. They are currently situated in Cullinan on a large plot.

The morning was fun. People got to “adopt” a dog for the day and walk around the plot with the dogs. There were a few of the animals though, who wouldn’t even come out of the kennels they were so scared of people. It was heartbreaking to see. There was a border collie sitting deep in the back of her kennel. A lady entered her cage and tried to get her to come out. Over an hour later when we walked past again she had managed to get her out but you could see the collie still wasn’t happy with the rest of us around.

There was a little show by a woman who houses 10 rescued dogs she trains. They are now stars of TV adverts and the like. It was a very sweet little show. The kids seemed to enjoy it.

There were so many dogs. Small ones, big ones, fat ones – all kinds. Each one has a story. A sad story. A story of abuse or neglect. Of pain and suffering. It made me sad to think that we still have so many people in my area alone who think its ok to inflict pain onto another living being.

Three years ago I dropped a puppy off at the Wet Nose. He was not abused or neglected but he was unwanted. The kid’s father had dropped them at home one Sunday with this puppy in tow. We already had 2 large dogs and were living in my parent’s house. There was no way we could keep him. So off I went, on my own and dropped this little puppy off. It broke my heart to leave him there knowing that this was the direct result of a decision grown up people had made.

These animals are loved though. They all look healthy and cared for. They are loved. So while it did remind me of the dark side of human beings it also showed the awesome-ness of people. The commitment and dedication of people to a cause they believe in.

If you are looking for a new dog – I would highly recommend getting them from the Wet Nose. All they need is a little bit of love!

by Steve Brimelow,  journalist,  a work & play at home  divorced dad of 2 boys, photographer,  bad pianist,  experimental chef, Youtube video blogger still enjoying his childhood.

My son Felix is about  7 months away from his 7th birthday but already he’s making birthday invites and writing his classmates names on bits of paper.

The other day I saw him writing  the name  Joe on this piece of paper.

I asked him who Joe was, coz there’s no Joe in his class, and he said “Dad, you know Joe the ice cream man outside the school!”

 What a brilliant idea! I think all parents should be aware that inviting the school ice cream seller is a kids dream party invite. And I’m sure these informal sellers will agree  

by Kojo Baffoe a man, a father, a son, a brother, a husband, a friend, a poet, a writer on a quest to make sense of this reality, with words. Author of ramblings

It was a day that started like any other. Woke up, got ready and went to work. We had been waiting for so long that life seemed to be more about the waiting than the end result. Nine months of waiting (well, six really. We found out late.) At lunch, I headed home to pick up the missus to go for what we hoped was the last visit to the gynae. My son was a week overdue. When I got home, I had to wait while my wife finished up a meeting. We were anxious. Looking forward to parenthood, but it was something that was ‘going’ to happen, instead of actually ‘happening’. Two hours later, I was in a state of bliss, awe, shock, confusion and borderline panic. I was a father to a very big (4.78kg) baby boy, Kweku.

On that day, I finally found purpose. True purpose. My responsibility became to build a legacy that my son can be proud of. My responsibility became to give him the foundation from which he can achieve whatever he desires. My responsibility became to make it through the rest of my life without messing him up too much. I am the example he will probably try to be like or be the total opposite of. But that’s all the ‘head in the sky’ stuff. It’s great in theory; the reality is always something else. Half the time, I’m just trying to keep my head above water.

I have spent the last two years in awe. I catch myself just watching him, forgetting to tell him “Get down! Stay away from the pool! Don’t throw that! Eat this! Sorry. Don’t cry! Naughty door!”

I smile more. Definitely laugh a lot more. I must admit that while I generally laugh with him, sometimes it is at him. He pulls the strangest, funniest faces sometimes.

I remember saying to my wife that, one day, he would come walking round the corner, calling Mommee and Daddee. He does it every night somewhere between midnight and 2am as he makes the short trek from his room to ours. The other night, I was still up working so I put him into our bed and, before I could say anything, he smiled and said “bye, bye”. And just like that, I was dismissed from my own room.

One minute, he was a baby, next he’s running up and down, climbing anything in his path and giving running commentary all the time. Everything is ‘this’ and ‘that’ but the vocabulary is growing every day. And, every day, there’s another milestone and we are only at two years. I’m still recovering from the fact that he now kicks the ball back to ME when we are playing. Used to be he would either throw or kick it without direction. Now he places it and kicks it to me. I taught him how to bob his head to the music before he was one. Now he has his favourite songs, especially Black Eyed Peas’ Boom Boom Pow.

School has been hard on all of us, but it is still early days. I love that when I pick him up, he looks at the teacher, points at me and says “Daddee”. I love being a father. I wish this was all I had to do. It is still early days, but I consider this one of the ultimate blessings in life.

by Gina Jacobson, a wife, a mom, a leo.  She works for a  non-profit organisation.  Is a procrastinator. Loves sci-fi, sushi, good books and Scrabble.  Her blog is made up of A Bit of This a Bit of That.

How many of us have family overseas?  Quite a few I’m sure.  My sister-in-law and her husband moved to Australia shortly after they were married.  A few years after that they fell pregnant.  The first grandchild on my husbands side of the family.  It was very exciting.  When our niece was born my mother-in-law went over for a few weeks to help out and to meet her first

Then we fell pregnant and suddenly the reality of having family overseas hit… our child was not going to grow up with his cousin.

Last September the family came out and we all went on a holiday to Umhlanga for a week.  That was the first time the cousins met.  They were so young they won’t remember it and the chances of being able to go to them to visit are slim, even slimmer of them coming to visit us again.

Last week their second daughter came into the world.  I ache for the fact that our children wont really know each other.  That they wont get to play and get into trouble together or go to school together.

My brother is living in Israel, he has been there for over five years.  He has a whole life that I know nothing about.  A job and an apartment.  A girlfriend I have never met.  He cooks and cleans.  He is now in the Army.  He has suddenly grown up and I was not there to see it.  I miss him like crazy.

This is our reality.  Families that would once have been in each others pockets are spread far and wide.  Thank heavens for applications like Skype and Facebook.  Its not the same as real life face-to-face interaction but it will have to do.

One of these days we might be the family that has moved away and the family we leave behind will feel the way I do now.  I just hope that day doesn’t come too soon.

by Laura-kim, single mom, recently divorced with 2 kids and the author of the blog Harrassed Mom

I am sick! Sore throat, ear ache, aching muscles, tired kinda sick!

But I have two kids.

My mom said to me on Saturday morning why don’t I go and get back into bed! I had to chuckle at that.

Getting back into bed would have been most awesome. In fact its probably what I needed to do.

But I have two kids.

I have two kids who cant make their own meals, who cant be expected to sit inside all day. I have kids who cant wipe their bottoms yet and who cant read the name of the shows on TV yet. I have two kids who still need me.

So getting back to bed is never an option.

I have to get up, get dressed, make breakfast, tidy rooms, play mini golf, visit friends, wipe noses, make tea, buy lunch, put plasters on bleeding fingers, change the TV channel.

I have kids. I am a mother. Mothers don’t get sick.

And if by some chance I am so run down that my body does get taken over by some viscous bug – I suck it up!

I phone a friend, while making lunches and I moan. I get sympathy from them. They listen, identify and offer a hug. Then I put the phone down, pack the lunch, tie shoe laces, check everyone has jackets and I rush out the door on my way to work.

I do this because I am a mother and there is no one else. I do this because the world keeps on turning.

Sometimes I wonder why God allows mothers to get sick. I really believe that when you become a mother you are given some super human gene that protects you from the many and varied viruses and bugs that fly around. And if that isn’t possible then the government should provide free help when a mother gets sick – in the form of someone who can cook, clean, get kids to school etc.

But I suppose neither of those options are likely. So for now, I will take another swig of my cough mixture, down myprodol and hope that tomorrow my throat doesn’t feel like its on fire and my body

By Madelein,  a working mom of 2, main supporter of her husband’s budding business, reader of anything and everything and creator of the blog, Life love and everything else

I think if you had to ask my 5 year old son’s thumb that question, it (he?) would just gargle – In your mouth,  in your mouth and how do you do?

Andrew started to suck his thumb when he was still inside my tummy. We have the most adorable scan pictures of him sucking his thumb. Well it was then. Not so adorable at 5 going on six.

He took a dummy quite fine, but at six months spat it out and attached his thumb firmly to his mouth. Nothing that I, or his daymom did, could stop him.

At 3 years old we (all the team players at this stage, mom, dad and daymom) managed to convince him to stop with a very brightly illustrated reward chart with cars on it. He loves cars, I reckoned it was a good idea to combine cars into a reward chart to motivate him.

And so he stopped. And everyone involved breathed a huge sigh of relief.

The next year (4 going on 5 now) he started at a new nursery school and before I knew it was sucking his thumb again. Big concerns all around. Urgent parent teacher discussion. She told us that in all her years of teaching she has never seen a child take up thumb sucking again once they stopped.

She tells us that he is having some settling down issues. He’s the youngest in the class. It’s the first time that he and his 2 year old sister is not at the same school.

We decide to give it some time and not make an issue out of it.

As we progress through the year, the thumb sucking persists. And he is now sleeping in our room almost every night.

Eventually the teacher decrees that he should not move to Grade R the next year and rather be kept back a year. This would allow him to emotionally mature.

It is at this stage that I decide to take him to an educational psychologist. To asses exactly where the problems are.

She determines that there is no developmental areas that need to be specifically addressed. It’s just a matter of him having to emotionally mature.

She suggests to stop the thumb sucking, that we tell him to rub his hand instead. Almost to comfort himself. Because that is exactly the reason why he is sucking his thumb. To comfort himself. Pretty much the same as an adult would use coffee, cigarettes ,wine or food (or anything else)  to comfort themselves.

So I have a chat with our little man about rubbing your hand instead of sucking his thumb. His response after careful consideration: Mom does that mean I can suck my thumb after I rubbed my hand?

I just had to laugh!

Today, 18 months after resuming thumbsucking, it’s become a habit. Which we are trying to put a stop to. This time with the help of his current teacher and some bribery involved for his sixth birthday. So far, so good. He has stopped coming through to our bedroom at night from almost the beginning of the year. Overall he is just a much more settled and happy child and not as anxious as last year.

Through all this we have learned to let my son lead the way with solutions to his problems. Not to pressurise or force an issue. And that in itself is a great achievement.

by Bronwen Crew a passionate and vibrant owner of The Party Crew, a loving wife , wonderful stepmother to Jack (5)

The Miss SA Teen  will take place at Sun City on  Saturday September 26th when the reigning queen,  Kopano Mocwane, will hand over her crown.  I recently had the priviledge  of chatting to Kopano. Her vivacious and energetic personality had me wanting to speak to her for hours Despite her obvious beauty, she is articulate, head strong and radiant. This gifted young woman is going places and I intend to follow her on her journey.

Who is Kopano?
Kopano is a bit of an energy bunny actually! I’m also a workaholic – I love to work. I’m a sports freak and a fashion fundi but basically I always like keeping myself busy. I’m heavy on academics but with the Miss Teen SA title I obviously have a lot on my plate.

Can you tell me a little bit about yourself and your background?
I was born and raised in Rustenburg, matriculated last year from Selly Secondary School. I come from a family of five, and have one brother and one sister who are way older than me!

How did you get into modeling and finally enter Miss SA Teen?
My family always wanted me to enter. At first I lost almost every competition but then I found a modelling coach who was also a bit of a life coach and I started winning.

Is this something you have always dreamed of doing?
Yes. At first there was a lot of family pressure, but then when it came to the role of Miss Teen it was everything I wanted. I always knew that by the time I turn 24 or 25, I wanted to be working and I think this has been an ideal platform.

What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?
Spare time? I hardly have any! I love to hang out with friends, go on, picnics, bowling, playing games. We often play games we used to played at school when we were 4 years old or something. The rope thing! Haha!

What is your idea of a trendy party ?
Any party… be it for teens or older people takes great company, great music and a great location! I also love theme parties. For my last birthday party I said I wanted to ‘Paint the town Pink’ and I had everyone wear at least one pink thing… even the guys!” she chuckles. “Anything like a Fairytale and so on…I really love that!

Do you get time to read and if so what are you currently reading?
I’ve been trying to read Spud, but every time I pick up the book I have an exam to revise for, or something. I study quite a lot so it’s usually a study book.

How would you describe a typical day in the life of Kopano?
Typical days don’t exist for me anymore; there is always something new and different. The only thing that stays the same is that I am always busy!

Describe the night you were crowned?
Wow! I think about 10 minutes before the show I was a nervous wreck. Then one minute before it started with all the lights and music, a calm came over me. They started announcing the top 5 finalists. For the first girl you clap all nicely, Yay! The second… Yay! When they called my name it was a huge relief! I was very happy. When I answered the questions I was just so nervous. I had to say to myself, Kopano just calm down and be yourself. Then everything happened in slow motion. It was a huge shock, I started crying … overwhelming.

What are the  highlights from this past year as Miss  SA Teen ?
I think the night of the pageant, getting to meet my role model Basetsana Kumalo. Then Noleen, I was on her show. I also did some charity work. We went to this orphanage and the kids were amazing. Then two tiny kids, they were the tiniest kids ever, they came up to my knee… gave me a carved heart. I had to leave the room because I started to cry. They motivated me not to complain and to live life to the full, that was the best moment ever!

How did the year affect your schoolwork?
I’m a first year student studying Accounting at Varsity College. If I missed a week of lectures they allowed me to have lectures privately. They have helped so much, so it never really affected me so much.

Are you ready to hand over the crown or could you carry on?
I could! Its going to be a true test of my character. I have used the title to propel me forward,… I now have to put myself forward without the title. Without saying I am Miss  SA Teen.

Are there any causes that you feel very strongly about ?
I’ve been trying to spread the word that teenagers should not live recklessly! Teenagers are being killed because of drug overdoses, some in car accidents, some drunken driving. I’ve had 10 friends pass away already. My message is, have fun within your boundaries, you’re risking your life and the lives of your friends.

Why do you think SA has such an alarmingly high teen suicide rate?
Teenagers today face so much pressure in terms of sex and drugs, because these things are so accessible. Then theres the problem of self image. Some teenagers feel they don’t live up to what society expects from them and it leads to suicide.

And how do you suggest  we can change this?
We need to bridge the gap between those who are in that situation and a role model who has been there, cares and understands. People need to get closer to teenagers, stop talking on such formal terms.

If you could make one change in our rainbow nation, what would it be?
The way people place material things so highly. They don’t see the inner person; they’re too worried about the outer stuff

What advice do you have for  Miss  SA Teen entrants?
She should think out the box and beyond. She needs to be unique and not worry what others think, especially within her community, eyes can be piercing. She must have a clear vision, focus and stick to it. Very important have someone close to her. I think my mother was my bestest, bestest best friend ever. She helped me to stay true to myself, be a go-getter and go for the challenge.

Advice for the future Miss SA Teen ?
I don’t know how to say it in English… Wa i mamela! Is what we say in Tshwana. Which means ‘Listen to yourself’… by the time you get to the competition be sure of who you are because as a role model you cannot question yourself.

© Bronwen Crew

Enter our competiton : Tell us what you think about teen pageants and  stand a chance to win a Pop Idols Birthday Party from Wired Sound Studios in Johannesburg worth R2500. The best comment win

Looking for activities, parties or therapy for your teenager, visit the for teens section on jozikids.

J.R. Wu lives in Beijing with her family. She wants to move to Joburg but first wants to hear from you how safe it is to live here.

This is picture of me and my daughter Molly on a holiday in Singapore late last year. Call it an action shot…

Hi, I’m a new Mum in the sense that I’ve not yet had to consider my family when it comes to moving for my job. I’m wondering about making a move to Johannesburg. I’m a working Mum with two little ones – age 2 and 3. My hubby is the stay at home parent. We are originally from the US and UK, but currently live and work in Beijing, China.

The last time I mulled a move for my job, I was a footloose and fancy-free singleton. I only had to consider me. Any next move won’t be like that. We’ve lived in Beijing now for about six years and I’ve never been to South Africa – or Africa the continent for that matter – but it is one of those places I’d really like to see (my husband feels the same way). But the main worry for us is the security issue that Joburg is so infamous for.

I’ve browsed the Internet looking for anything that gives some idea that security is not an issue, or that it is less of an issue, than Joburg’s reputation suggests. But I’m not feeling convinced when I have colleagues and friends tell me it is possible to create a life in Joburg ‘not directly touched by crime’ or they say that it’d be better if I could relocate to Cape Town if I had a choice or I read up on Joburg living and find advice that one should drive with windows up and car doors locked all the time and not stop for red lights when driving at night due to high chance of carjackings.

Living in China, and our times traveling around Asia, kind of spoils you to the ease in which it’s so easy to go out with tiny tots. Wait staff coo over them and even take them off your hands so that you don’t have to worry overly much if they run out of your line of sight for an appetizer or dessert course at a restaurant or the option to walk about for a nightly stroll with the kids to pick up yogurt at the nearest shop; and then there is the great nanny helper – Ayi – that is a constant in many families, local and expat, in Beijing and Shanghai.

I guess I’m looking for some peace of mind – or rather rational advice – anyone can offer on this front? I know that generalizations don’t make for the most accurate picture of any place in the world. Jozikids’ Web site looks like something we’d find in Beijing – a city that I would totally recommend to another expat family if asked – so I was wondering if anyone might give me their insights about what living in Joburg is like with a young familly in tow.

Best, J.R. Wu

by Gina Jacobson, a wife, a mom, a leo.  She works for a  non-profit organisation.  Is a procrastinator. Loves sci-fi, sushi, good books and Scrabble.  Her blog is made up of A Bit of This a Bit of That.

In our house I get in my car every morning and go to work for eight hours. My husband opens the home office, goes inside and closes the door. Paul is a WAHD or Work At Home Dad. A lot of the time he takes his laptop and sits at a local coffee shop and works. He needs to get away from the constant whining and attention seeking and thats just from our dogs, throw in an almost two year old who only wants to sit with daddy and play and you can understand the need to escape for a while. If only to be productive.

The upside for him is getting to see Aaron during the day, to listen to him chase the dogs and chatter away to his nanny. Paul is also very hands on with Aaron and has been from day one. He changes nappies, gives bottles, baths and generally does everything a mom would ‘traditionally’ do. This has created an interesting situation in our house. Aaron will only let Paul change him and put him to sleep and if he wakes up in the middle of the night, he only wants Paul to put him back to sleep. It has its up side as well as its down side. Up, I get to go back to sleep straight away in the middle of the night and I don’t change that many stinky pooh nappies. Down, I don’t have the same bond Paul has with Aaron. It is upsetting when I go to him in the middle of the night and he says “No mommy, daddy” while pointing at the door and staring straight past me. Paul also gets the biggest hugs and kisses.

Not that Aaron doesn’t want his mommy at all, he often wants to come sit on my lap and randomly runs up to me and hugs my knees. I cant help but see myself as the ‘dad’ in our family in terms of the time Paul and I get to spend with our son. I wonder if this is not how my dad felt when he spent all day at the office and came home to a child that only wanted mommy to help her. Is this how it is for more traditional families? Is it something you think about consciously or is this just how it is? Maybe we are not the only family that works like this. Tell me about your family dynamics, who is the ‘mom’ and who is the ‘dad’ and does it make any difference to you? I really really wish I was more the ‘mom’. Im going to have to keep working at it and maybe we will balance it out one of these days.