How much freedom should we give our kids?
by Sally Cameron, midwife, mother of 2 and co-owner of www.earthbabies.co.za . I am passionate, creative, trying to be Green unschooling single mom. . It’s a journey.
I am by no means a helicopter mom at all. I do not buzz around my kids checking they are okay every few minutes. Mostly, I leave them alone to get on with it and let them come and call me if there is a problem. I am not really worried about them hurting themselves or feel that I need to always prevent it. Sccidents are part of growing up and learning about the world. Now this stance on parenting has advantages and disadvantages which we highlighted to me over the weekend.
We went to Ngwenya Glass Village on Saturday and it was lovely, such a great venue. We adults could sit under the trees and chat while the kids played in the nearby play area. There are lovely craft shops to mooch around and even pony rides for the kids.
I left my kids to go off and play and checked I could see them now and again but mostly they would appear ask for something or eat a little and then disappear again.
The 4 kids I was with, were still playing while we sorted out the bill. s we were getting ready to leave, Kiara (5yrs) and Rachel (5 yrs) come running over to me to say that a man has put Kiara’s toy dog in his car! They are visibly upset so I get up and walk over to where Cameron ( 7yrs) was to get the rest of the story. They said the dog was on the ground near them while they were playing and a man picked it up and put it in his car. They showed me the man in his late 50’s early 60’s, I guess. He was chatting so some other people, so I went over and asked if he had her dog. He said he did and walked to the car to get it. He said he found it and was going to hand it in at the desk but could not find anyone to give it to?!??!! What??? There were restaurant staff all over the place! I found it really really weird that he put it in his car while the kids watched him do this.
Needless to say I gathered the kids and left quite quickly. I could not figure out if he had spoken to the kids or not but Cam was very insistent that he told the girls to come straight to tell me and not to talk to the man. GO CAM!! We spoke about it in the car and about how they had all done the right thing coming to call me and not talking to the man. It is sucky that the world we live in makes it necessary to have these types of conversations with our kids.
Am I overreacting here or is that just creepy odd behaviour? I am sure there is a possibility that it was innocent but I was not prepared to take a chance. I am just glad that the kids were savvy enough to come and speak to me about it instead of going to the man’s car or anything unthinkable like that.
This got me thinking, should instances like this change the way I parent? Should I be hovering over them more and watching their every move? I truly believe that kids need space and time away from their parents and that it is not good to crowd them too much, but where are the boundaries of safety versus smothering.
It is a sad society when we cannot trust the greater community around us in the safety of our kids. The sense of being jointly responsible for a child because they form part of our community, seems to be gone.
I would love to hear what other parents think.
Hang on a minute here! What did your gut instinct tell you about this situation, about that man’s story about how he made you feel as he spoke to you? You talk about trusting the community, what about trusting your instincts. Nothing beats a mothers instinct, and never let doubt crowd your judgement. If your instinct told you that this man could potentially be dangerous to your child or other children, you should have acted on it. Too many times we choose being polite and courteous even facing a potential child harmer over confronting the facts before us. Why did you not mention to this guy that staff was on hand to take responsibility for the lost toy, why didn’t you make him feel uncomfortable over what he did, than making yourself feel uncomfortable over protecting your child. If anything you would come off looking like an over protective mother, and that’s the worst case. By questioning him, and the off chance that he was no good, it would make him think twice before he tried that stunt with some one else’s child. You obviously got lucky by your son’s quick thinking that nothing had happened, but by not bringing it in the open you have now potentially placed some one else’s child in harms way.
As mother’s our life story is about protecting our children and those of other’s around us, that’s what brings out the super hero in us. The problem with the human race is that we have become too complacent and less compassionate about what is right and wrong.
I think what you are saying does have value we do have a social responsibility BUT i think Sally did the right thing at the time – she did trust her instincts as you so strongly recommended and got her children away from there as fast as she could.
When you are faced with a situation where you are unsure and have your 2 children under 5 and a friends 2 children with you that you are responsible for – getting them out of harms way (real or not) is what comes first – the village must take care of itself in that moment.
I feel your reaction here is reacting protective of potential threat to YOUR child/ren not Sally’s. Each parent first reacts in protection of their own before thinking of the rest of the worlds kids – that is how it should be in the moment. You do not make decisions based on what others think is right, but on what you feel is best for your children – that is why you are their Mother.
Can a mother ever be too over protective? I also believe in giving my child (4 1/2 yrs old) space so I dont smother her and dont allow her to grow, however i never leave her out of my sight, no matter where we are, she can play to her hearts content as long as i can see her.
It only takes one moment for that man (or anyone for that matter) to put a kid in his car and THAT WOULD BE IT!!! What are the chances of ever finding that kid again – never mind thinking about what that child would go through.
No matter where the kids are, whether there is someone watching them or not – NOBODY watches your kids like you do! The carers dont even have a clue which kids belong to which parents so anyone could walk in and take a child.
In this day and age, I dont take the chance with my child. Imagine being in the shoes of one of those (many) parents whose children have been taken!
Sally don’t take what Veerash said too much to heart!! I think that because it is such a delicate topic we don’t talk about child abuse enough. It makes us reluctant to confront a stranger about their behaviour. I feel you can’t be with your kids all the time and I read a great book called the Gift of Fear. The author advocates that you role play different senarios with your kids and talk to them and show them what do do. So if someone asks you to get in their car, what should you do? If a strange man asks you to help him find his kitten or look after his baby in the car, what would you do? It empowers the kids and helps you feel better and he recommends a test where you get someone to come up to them and ask them to go with them to see the puppy. Obviously someone you trust in a controlled environment that they don’t know. My kids LOVED this and were so proud of themselves when they did the right thing!! It also teaches them to trust their instincts!! I agree follow your “mom” instinct but we can’t confront every dodgy person you see. Rather empower your kids, that you can control.
Also it bears remembering that over 80% of child abusers KNOW you and your child and have groomed both of you. Dodgy old guys in an park are a small percentage
Wow that was quite an experience for you Sally. Ive been there with my young kids, so your experience feels close to home!I tend to be more protective and like to have them in my sight at all times, even if at a distance-mainly because of hearing too many kinds of these stories-Im sorry I don’t trust the greater community at all-sad, but true.But I do feel that Veerash was a bit too harsh in her reply.Its great if you can think on your feet, but too often those great ideas come after you have calmed down, or from someone else like in this instance when they hear what you experienced.I find that in the moment you tend to go into protective mode and want to get out of there, and your mind sort of turns off to thinking of great ideas like questioning the man. I had an instance recently where I was approached in Ackermans, Brightwater Commons by a frindly man asking me if I was enjoying my shopping-first thought was he was a manager, so I said yes (I was on my own, late Fri afternoon), he then touched the skirt I had found and said I see you have found something (warning bells started sounding), then he asked if I was looking forward to the week-end – well I stood a bit dumbstruck and I think he realised this was going nowhere so walked off, but only after he left did I realise what was potentially going down there-unfortunately the moment to say all I would have liked to have said was then gone!Some people are better at the quick thought processing than others.I trust you will never experience what you did again and thank the Lord for your son’s quick thinking-you obviously are a good mother and have trained them well as to how to handle themselves.
Relax, you’ve taught your kids well, and so they knew how to correctly react to the situation. I have 2 kids, and although they are much younger, 4 and 1, I also believe in letting them explore. I agree that certain incidents would possibly make you question your parenting style, but from your children’s reaction, it’s clear that you are a loving, caring and nurturing parent.
I also questioned my parenting style when a similar incident happened to us. I was at The Pot Shop, and left my son of 10 at the jungle gym while I walked around looking at the pots. He was in sight all the time, but I did not watch him constantly. It was only after we left that my son told me about a worker there who came to speak to him every time my back was turned. He was asked all sorts of personal questions, like where he lived and what his cell number was. Fortunately my son did not give him the details, but was caught in the dilemma of whether to be polite and friendly, or to be suspicious of strangers.
This is a conflict that we have to help our children resolve. We teach them to be polite, have good manners, greet people who greet them – how often have you told your children, “Say hello” or “tell xyz your name” when you meet a friend of yours? Yet in other conversations we tell them not to talk to strangers, and not to give out their names and personal details.
I do not have the answer to this conflict …
I guess just because of my past childhood not gud experience not being checked on now and then i only tend to relax for my 7 yr only child and she’s a people’s person but now then and i for ever if she’s okay no matter we at relative’s house and sumtimes people get irritated but sory i can’t help it. maybe as she get older i will learn to let her be free.
Thanks for the replies everyone.
Veerash I did trust my instincts and that is why i got out of there with the kids. I also did tell him that he should have given the dog to the management and that it was not okay what he did. But my main aim was to gather the kids and get away. To be honest i did not even think of trying to go and speak to the restaurant staff with 4 kids in tow. As Debbie said you often only think of these things later.
I think Laura the mom of the other kids summed up how I feel about this and how i parent, on her blog http://www.harassedmom.co.za/?p=2809
I think you have made an error here.
Firstly, I think you have over-reacted. There was probably no malice in this situation.
Secondly, if you honestly feel (in your gut or anywhere else for that matter) that this man posed/poses a threat to kids, then why didn’t you take further action?That’s irresponsible. Sacrifices other kids’ safety just because your own kids are alright is downright selfish.
Sorry parent 101 – I honestly dont think you have a right to measure the reaction cos you were not there.To call someone selfish in an instance like this is also very uncalled for.When you been down the road (hopefully that wont happen), then make an assessment and see how you do. Parenting is not about perfection, its a learning process under Gods guidance.It just makes me angry to see curt replies to a mom who has been through a traumatic experience and is looking for some reassurance that she didnt blow it as a parent!which she didnt!We all parent very differently, and yes I do believe there are some obvious right or wrongs in the process, but when it comes to amounts of freedom given-people’s personalities will play a large role here.
Human trafficking is a very real problem worldwide, and I heard the other day especially in Africa. In public places we cannot leave our children alone for a second, we should always make sure we can see them and get to them quickly if need be. It’s sick and sad that we have to worry and be so protective, but these are the facts! It will only take a few seconds for someone to kidnap a child, and then it’s too late.