Funerals and children
By Laura-kim single mom, recently divorced with 2 kids and the author of the blog Harrased mom.
We had a death in my family recently.
The relative that died, was part of a section of my family that have a unique culture, one they practice and believe strongly in. At the funeral the casket is open and everyone can view the body of the deceased.
As a result the funeral did pose a slight problem for me. I have never been to a funeral. I avoid them like the plague. My kids have obviously also never been. But the last thing I wanted to do was possibly offend my family.
Fortunately they agreed that since it was an open casket funeral it would not be a good place for the children. I will be honest I breathed a sigh of relief. Granted, no one is really ready for a funeral.
It does pose a question though – do you take your child to a funeral? If you do from what age? What do you tell them?
My kids are currently 5 and 7 – they know what death is but neither of them seems to really understand it. Cameron thinks it would be cool to die – so he clearly has no idea yet that it is permanent.
Also how do you deal with cultural traditions like an open casket? I wouldn’t cope with it so would my child? Should I expect them too? It does make it a little easier to deal with when the person isn’t close family but it is still something that makes you think.
What would you do?
As a Jew, in my experience, unless it is an immediate family member (a mom or dad) children do not go to funerals. Once a child has had a bar or bat mitzvah (12 or 13 years old) they can attend a funeral.
The first funeral I went to was my Great Grandmother, I was 14. I didnt really know what to expect and I wish that my parents had talked me through it a bit more.
I have never been to a non-Jewish funeral and Im not sure how I would handle it. I know for a fact that I would not handle an open casket well at all!
I think it is definitely easier to attend a funeral of a person that is not close family. Especially the first time.
I too avoid funerals. I don’t want that being the most recent and vivid memory I have of the deceased, so for as long as I decide for her I probably won’t take my child to a funeral with an open or closed casket.
Regarding Cameron thinking its cool to die – considering that he has been much younger than you – maybe he has a better recollection (and hence understanding) of what it’s like in the spirit world. Maybe.
I was always taken to funerals from infancy up until I was a teen and old enough to stand up for myself and refuse to attend any more. It’s part of the Indian culture but one that I won’t be implementing in my mixed-culture household with my daughter after realising that this isnt the norm when my 30-yr-old husband told me that he had never been to a funeral until very recently.
I remember many occasions when I walked beside my mother or father as we passed the open casket of a relative(distant and close relatives becos funerals are attended en masse out of respect)- the ritual is that u pray/say a blessing and throw a few flower petals into the coffin around the face of the deceased person – those moments completely traumatised me when I was old enough to understand what was going on – and I’ve never willingly gone to a funeral since – it’s just too upsetting – of course, if a very close family member passed away I would try to explain it to my child if she was old enough to understand but I would never take her if it could traumatise her.
Best you all come to my funeral.
The first funeral my kids attended was that of my grandfather because it is close family. My kids were then 14, 11 and 8
I battle to cope with death… and quite honestly, can not deal with funerals…. so would NEVER expect my 5 year old to attend one, no matter how close the family is………….. it’s not fair, they are not emotionally mature to deal with that! I don’t know when you are though……… me? Maybe never… :/
The first funeral my children ever went to was to my FIL’s (their grandfather)funeral. Because we knew it would be an open coffin, we explained it to them (10 & 6 yrs) what would happen and asked whether they wanted to be part of it. They both agreed and we only did the viewing in passing going into the church. Because my FIL died in hospital where they were not allowed to visit, seeing him in his coffin was closure for both of them.
I don’t let my children attend funerals out of the ordinary.
As far as I can remember, my son has only attended one funeral. He was 8 at the time I think, and it was for his Ouma- my dad’s mom. They had always been close and I wanted him to be able to say goodbye properly.
Honestly, who does cope with death and funerals? It’s not something anyone wants to face, but is an unavoidable part of life. My husband died 5 years ago in a terrible accident. My son was then only 2 years old. I didn’t let him attend the funeral at that stage because it was too traumatic for the whole family to being going through and I really didn’t know how to explain it to him then. He now at the age of 6 fully understands the permance of death and I’ve tried to make him feel comfortable that we’ll all be facing the same fate and that we should not carry fear of it with us every day. It is beyond our control.
I feel that an open casket is perhaps unnecessarily traumatic for the rest of the family and it was not what we had at my husband’s memorial. If my son was older and because it was such a close relationship I might have given him the choice, after truthfully and factually explaining what he could expect, to attend the private viewing of the body and attend the funeral. Children cope much better than adults if they’re informed and empowered to make that choice.