Racist toddler
by Brendah Nyakudya, a single mum to a 4yr old girl. Admittedly not the best cook, but loves exploring the outdoors with her little one. A political and social commentator she has just started a blog As I see it. During the day she works for management consultants in Johannesburg
When we picked a nursery school for our 4 year old daughter, racial percentages of the kids in the school wasn’t an issue. It was a highly recommended school and close to home, so it made sense for her to go there.
The fact that she is one of 3 black kids in the class also didn’t bother me until one Saturday morning when she woke me up with the statement “Mommy I don’t like brown people except for my family, I only like white people”. Obviously this shook me right out of my reverie of sleeping in and uninterrupted showers. I hesitantly asked “Why don’t you like brown people?” to which she responded “They are boring and they make me upset”. I try to make light of the situation and say “But sweetheart, brown is beautiful and it’s the colour of chocolate. We like chocolate don’t we?” Her response? “No, I like white marshmallows.”
So here I am sitting in my bedroom faced by my little racist toddler at a complete loss as to what to do or say thinking this child needs Jesus, but little things start to make sense e.g. how she wants me to make her hair “like Sally*”, she prefers Barbie to her darker counterparts and how she is always more comfortable around white people than around “brown” people.
I then had the talk with her about the fact that no skin colour is better than any other colour and that brown is beautiful. She eventually said “I like brown people Mommy” but I am not convinced she is convinced. Could it be that being part of the minority has made her hate who she is? Was it something one of the kids said? How does a parent deal with this? Any ideas welcome.
P.S. In the meantime I am making sure she doesn’t end up with my friend’s son the homophobe.
*names changed to protect the innocent
I just love how kids on both side of the fence correct their parents by using the correct “brown” as opposed to “black” people!
If it’s any consolation, Joe, the Ice cream guy outside my white/pink kids school is the first name on the list to be invited to their birthday parties.
So, to a kid, skin colour doesn’t really matter except that when referring to it YOU MUST use the correct name for the colour.
And, to a kid, if you’re an ice cream guy, you rule so much that you make top of the birthday invite list, no matter your skin colour!
Peace Brendah, Love and happy life learnings with your li’l un!
I think it is just due to what she is exposed to. children are not exempt from comparing and envy.
As a child I was a minority white child in a school in Swaziland and I remember my parents feeling just as concerned when they found me in the bathroom with 1/2 a tub of vaseline smeared on my face because I wanted my skin to be as beautiful, soft and shiney (like chocolate)as Sibongile’s. I also used to wish for intricately plaited hair – i still get pangs of jealousy when I see someone wearing a traditional plaited style vs the more modern braids and straightened hair of today.
Dont look at it as a race thing – that is an adult interpretation. On a childs level it is merely friend envy. She has a beautiful mom and if you lead by example she will soon realise that what she has and is, is perfect and some other little girl wants to be just like her.
(Unfortunately Barbie is a blonde doll and every little girl wants a Barbie – none of the others are Barbie, they are simply her second best friends. the same as the Cindy doll was a brunette and any other color hair was not a real cindy. )
I have 2 coloured children and both of them have said similar things.
I do not believe it is racism. If you put her in a setting with only black children – she would have come home and expressed her dislike at whoever had upset her in another way.
Just keep reinforcing the lesson that noone is better than anyone else etc etc. She will be fine
Thanks for this awesome post, have to say (as a dad to be – god willing) I sat back and asked myself, does this stigma still exist and if it does is it because as people from a different skin color we haven’t embraced the change that this country is so desperately looking for and in our own way ensuring that our social mix at a personal level was one that had a diversity of colors, ideas, religion.
I don’t mean to sound rude or vindictive in any way but how many indian or african families encourage, accommodate, engage or facilitate friends of different skin color or religion whether its for themselves or their kids. I assure you that if your little girl met people like Reddy direko or loyiso she may feel differently about this idea. As parents i guess its upto us to present our kids with a fair amount of balanced options, and should a child incline towards a certain idea … maybe that’s the warning sign that we need to MIX IT UP a bit.
I agree with Steve, Barbara and Laura – children do not know what racism is. They just live their “little isolated” lives from home to school and back, all children are either white or brown. Most of the time the children do not even notice skin colour and we find that the most important ratings that our 8 yr old uses is, how much fun it is to play with the other child. If they are good friends and ‘nice’ to play with, the other child is ok.
I do think it is important for us as adults and parents to reinforce the fact that we are all equal although we may have different skin colours and come from different nationalities. If we, as parents and role models, do not make issue of skin colour then we will ensure that this problem is not perpetuated in our homes and in our children. Hopefully we can then contribute to making ‘racism’ an old, unused term and behaviour.
Thank you all so much for the feedback. I have to agree with the fact that its probably a result of her immediate environment and not necessary a race issue. Due to location, in our case, at school and socially we are the minority and all her friends are white so the “friend-envy” makes sense as that is what she is exposed to besides her family (whom she is okay with:).
I guess its these things we take for granted until it comes up in situtations such as these. I now need to make a conscious effort to make sure she realises that though we are different we are all wonderfuly made and equal.
Steve I just love your story about Joe the Icecream guy. Kids could teach us alot about prioritising the important people in our lives:)
G’luck on 702 tomorrow Brendah! Breathe and Enjoy
I couldn’t help but smile when I was reading this.
Children don’t KNOW what racism is – it’s a concept that was created by adults many years ago – for what reason they only know!! A child doesn’t see colour, only a friend or someone who is nasty to her.
I’m white, my husband coloured – our 2 children… are CHILDREN, they are human beings, beautiful children created and given to us by God. I don’t believe you can ever have a ‘colour’ balance in any place (whether it is work or school).No matter how hard you try. That’s just the way it is.
It is our duty as parents to get rid of that stigma that colour and race matter. In God’s eyes we are all even, no matter our age, gender or skin colour. Do you discriminate against the man standing at the robot begging just because he doesn’t have a job?
My little one had her birthday party recently and the first friends on her invitation list was ‘Sipho’ & ‘Lerato’, simply because they have been her best friends for the last 3 years.
I firmly believe not to make a fuss should questions or statements about colour arise. Explain the cultures, differences which is as important as the difference between genders.
Good luck Brendah – it’s not always easy raising little ones! It’s a journey!
Hi Brendah
I believe there are huge issues @ play here. We as a black people are suffering from a self-hate so deeply rooted that we can only verbalise it when we are that young. I can imagine you are thinking, “I do not have issues about being black!” but I assure you if you do not it is likely because of considerable tunnel-vision skills.
I have faced the dragon of subtle post-colonial racist tendencies and have concluded that we as black people remain a defeated people. Nor can we hide this painful fact from our children. They clearly perceive that we ‘brown’ people are in the process of reluctantly being allowed into the ‘white’ people’s better and more glamorous world (what with their technologies, democracies and the likes).
When your daughter gets older and reads history books, she will only find confirmation of her current simplistic toddler theory.
Now. I am no angry black. I’m simply an observer who tries his best to not build hard earned truths on top of lies. I will teach my daughter (1yr 3weeks) that she comes from a people who are suffering. And that that is why most of her cousins are poor and unattractive. That the happiness that white people currently have and wantonly display is still largely dependant on the exploitation of other human beings (who just happen to be of a homogenous skin colour).
I will tell her that she must not let other people suffer for her pleasures. That we are all human and need to be loved/respected. I will tell her that I am working hard and she goes to these ‘white’ schools because i need her to use what she learns there to help the ‘brown’ people.
sigh. there’s a lot to be said, and yet more to be done. I do not have immediate answers, but i do not think we should try convince ourselves that our children will not be racist. Saying you’re not racist is one thing. Inviting your gardener/nanny/maid to your dinner table is another.
Perhaps, Brendah, a valid question might be: “Did she not learn this racism against blacks from her own black mother?”
Sizwe, I read your post and felt very sad. It is sad that YOUR racist views get past down to your child. This is clearly not a racist issue.
My little girl and her friend Nokuthula are best buddies and they eat, bath, sleep together. She one day came to us saying she wants long straight hair like my daughters. My response was that I have to pay a lot of money to make mine curly as I love curly hair. We then sit down got onto the internet and showed her the Ndebele culture and we she is coming from, and said she should be PROUD of being a Ndebele as my daughter is such a mix breed of people I cannot trace her back to anything! What a honor to know your heritage.
Stephanie I apologise. I am a combative speaker. And I probably am racist against blacks whites and all inbetween. But if there’s anything i’ve learnt its that humans are complex, layered, mostly crazy but altogether lovely. To be angry at them is to waste one’s own time.
i believe in engaging in dialogue without the fear of being wrong. I want black people to truly talk about their own pain. Stephanie, I’m not sure you’ve noticed but the last 400 yrs have been bad for the collective black ego. The scars we have are deep. They are healing, but slowly. I just want us to talk about it: amongst ourselves, with our children, with the ‘white’ people and every other roleplayer in this 400yr debacle.
My hope was not to offend you, nor Brendah, but to open the dialogue on the underlying issues. Or would you rather we sweep them under the carpet and pretend they do not exist?
Hi Siswe,
You’re right: it is going to be a painfully slow process (even if that is hard to admit sometimes!)and a lot of damage have been done. But you must know that there are people that are truly very sorry that people have been treated in such an inhumane fashion. As for race, my personal belief is that science is proving what the Bible have said for such a long time: it doesn’t exist. The humane genome project have proved that the colour of your skin is as relevant (or not) as the colour of your eyes. We all stem from Adam and we all were created in the image of our Father. To discriminate against another human, is to discriminate against our Holy Father Himself. I agree with all the other readers: celebrate your culture and history: don’t lose that in the process, but also make sure you teach your child how to build bridges between him/herself and other people
Love ya!
Hi Sizwe,
I’m a little concerned at the idea that people throw the term ‘race’ & ‘racist’ at everything in life. We are all unique human beings who have preferences and tendencies toward certain things in life but just because we lean towards certain something doesn’t really mean that we are being biased or hateful toward the other. For instance … some people may prefer salt to sugar but does that I mean they hate sugar? No, it doesn’t, they merely have a preference. People often find solace and associate with others that they have something in common with, regardless of gender, race, sex or age. Old people may not choose to hang out with young people and vice versa or Catholic people may not want to hang out with Jewish people or anarchists may not want to hang out with Buddhists, or Zulu people don’t want to hang out with Xhosa people but all of this is ok. These are merely just labels, rather than a state of mind. What is important, is to celebrate our differences and embrace them and the only way to accomplish these things is to lead by example. It’s always important to remember where we came from, the history behind it and the atrocities that have occurred and countless lives that have been lost across all races but to dwell on the past and wallow in it, makes it almost feel like those losses were in vain. Have we learned nothing? We need to move on and look to the future in a brighter and more positive light. You might not be “an angry black” as you so eloquently put it but it certainly come across like you are resentful. This in fact is the sort of thing that perpetuates the “racist” frame of mind. We need to let go of the past, not forget it, there is subtle difference. We need to stop placing so much emphasis on the race thing, it really is overplayed and in doing so, we are keeping it very much alive. The only way forward is to learn from our mistakes and move on.
This is what we should be teaching our children and each other.
I’ve read your post carefully and reading between the lines, it almost sounds like you’re saying that people of your culture suffer more than others. I can assure you that all people of all races and backgrounds feel pain equally. Things like poverty, illness, death, abuse and just the day to day struggles in life affect us all and are just the same for all us, regardless of race. We all encounter a wide variety of prejudices across all areas of life, be it race, religion, age, class distinction, disabilities, sexual preferences etc. and continue to experience these things on a daily basis. You are not alone. Welcome the harsh realities that we call life. It is not however doom and gloom, there is hope out there, every day miracles, in the small gestures we do for each other. That’s how we change the world, by one random act of kindness at a time. I have seen a great many positive things, heard a great deal of stories of people doing good things for each other and these are things have inspired me and continue to inspire me. There is hope for us yet but we all have a role to play in creating change and producing positive outcomes.
Points to ponder ….
I agree that this is an issue we can’t simply sweep under the carpet and ignore – or cloak under the idea that children are ‘not racists’. This doesen’t deal with the fact that because there is such a huge discrepency still in our country – our children are learning that – predominantly – white people are more succesful, live in nicer houses, have nicer toys etc and are therefore somehow more desirable. I try to provide my three children with varied role models but it is not easy. In my 5 year olds private school class – she has three brown children, four Asian children and the rest overwhelmingly white. And yet, hope comes from children’s innocence too.
My ‘white’ daugher asked for a brown New Born doll for Xmas – because one
of her best friends is brown, has a brown New Born, and she thinks her
doll is cool. As simple as that. Brendah – do your best to make her love
herself – as an individual and have faith that South Africa is changing
and she will be part of that change and healing in our country.
I grew up amongst white children. My single mother ensured we read the banned books by the apartheid system. These book were about black people and the positive things they do, how they love their afro rough hair, how they love their flat noses, how they love their big bums and how they are cultured. I got on well with the white kids and fought back just as hard.
I agree that children are not racist but learn from their parents, peers etc. Look at the Africans around you, in your life. Does their hair look like that of white people. Have dark skinned women painted their faces red. When I watch generations with my little cousins I see white people in brown skin. They have the long silky hair, thin eyebrows, pink cheecks etc. I don’t have a problem with what people do with themselves but as an observer it says we want to be like that.
I hope Lira wont change her hair. I show my cousins how she is successful with her afro hair. Its almost as if you have to have the silky hair to be successful.
Brendah,your article got me thinking,just before xmas,my 2 and half year old daughter had to attend a xmas party at her pre-dominantly white playgroup and one of the mothers from the class was picking us up.at our complex gate,security asked her for the number of the unit she was visiting and she gave then my unit number,then the guard looked at her askance and said “do you know that only black people live there?”. Although I am not South African, I have come to realise that brown and black will never be really on a par, and that racial awareness exists across the board.While we can blame history as much as we like, the bottom line is that as humans,we always seek to prove ourselves better than the next person. It’s not only that “white people think that they are better than brown people, we brown people also believe that they the white people are so much better than us just as we brown people believe that we are much better than our “yellow” Chinese counterparts.” A few years ago back home in Zimbabwe,I had a female Korean EFL student. It was xmas and she was planning to holiday in London,but her fiance back home in Korea was worried that if she went to London she would find herself a new boyfriend. Incredulously I asked her “but you’ve been here in Zim for the past 6 months”,flippantly she replied “oh,that doesn’t matter,he thinks that there are only black people in Zimbabwe and I am better than black people so I wouldn’t get a boyfriend here!” Was I offended,maybe a bit,but honestly,I actually thought myself to be better than her so it didn’t matter. Bottom line is, kids merely express what we as parents try so hard to deny to ourselves, we brown people are forever battling an inner inferiority that goes beyond what other races think of us, but has more to do with what we think of ourselves,or rather what we don’t think of ourselves. We are beautiful and we can be more than just a colour. I am actively seeking a predominantly white pre-school for my daughter. Does that mean I hate my own race,not at all,I just intend for my daughter to be aware that she can have access to whatever place she chooses(and well,also have the pleasure of having them white people trip over my daughter’s ethnic name which they will eventually learn to pronounce properly as well as know the meaning of).if you ask me,both colours will have learnt something at the end of it all.
This is a tough issue, and it’s going to keep coming up as she gets more observant of the world around her. From around 4 my child started asking some really hard questions: “Why do brown people live in ugly houses?” (on a drive through Langa) and “Why are there no white nannies?”. It’s hard to explain the legacy of apartheid to a 4-yr-old, but one has to try. It helped me to know that around this age they’re doing a lot of experimenting to try and work out what is the right way of categorising the world. They start testing things like what makes a person a boy or a girl — is it the hair, the clothes, what? They can’t see the relevant bits so they fasten on to what is most obvious. So your daughter might be thinking something like “that person was nasty to me and she’s brown, so maybe all brown people are nasty”. Sadly, some people never get much more sophisticated in their thinking than that…
Sizwe being from Zimbabwe and born as the country was getting its independence I have never honestly experienced racism. We grew up fully integrated and my daughter has lived in a household that is totally non-racial. Her best friend is an amazing little white (pink) boy and they love each other and she has never seen him as white or brown or spoken about him in race-terms which is why this incident was so shocking to me. I have always told her she is beautiful and build up her self-esteem without making comparison with other races.
Qaqamba I have no problems with how people look and would like my daughter to decide as and when she grows up which route she wants to go but I also dont tell her either way (straight silky weave or curly natural) is right or wrong cause its about character and how confident a person is regardless of thier outer appearance..
hope that makes sense:)
The UK did a study of minority children in pre-schools a few years ag o -the results were aired on tv – and showed similar behaviour in black toddlers – many pointing out white children as more likely to be better behaved etc – the standard racism we all recognise. the suggestions to avoid this happening was for schools and parents to take an active role in presenting a diverse society through teaching materials, books, etc. it is possible that the school your child attends does not do this – and probably does not see the need for it – but it can alwys be pointed out – if your child is picking up stereotypes – the white kids her age are picking up the same stereotypes. vicious little circle that needs to be broken – as she is only in the minority in that little corner of this country.
when your little says she think brown people are the way she thinks they are – it might be necessary to ask her why – and even at this age challenge her assumptions.
Everyone is over thinking this way too much!!!
She has two brown friends in her class and they are boring. She told you that already. That is a fact.
There are more white kids so the chances are higher that some of the white kids will be funnier and more exciting to be around.
Your kid is smart. She’s making assumptions and evaluating the situation. That’s not to say her final thoughts are right or wrong. I’m just saying that she’s a smart girl and Lucky you for her telling you how she feels and thinks.
Plus she is 3 years old which means she likes to test things out.
Using the term Racist isn’t adequate for this situation. She isn’t racist. She’s just drawing parallels and it’s natural, and normal for her to do so! Unless she is using hate speech with specific terms and jargon about the brown kids then you know she isn’t being brain washed by another kid at school.
Maybe the other 2 brown kids are boring because they feel uncomfortable being the only ones there…. who knows. I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s normal. But you should keep doing what you are doing and encouraging her to like brown people, too. So you are doing the right things! Good for you!
I am currently looking for a creche for my daughter who is 3 and I am very mindful of the intergration/mix in her environment. I want her to be exposed to all creeds and appreciate beauty in other races.
The sad thing is that we may think it poses no harm to a child but unchecked it does. If your daughter had not been expressive about it she might have grown up thinking that it is better to be lighter/white skinned.
This might not be shown by words but by behaviour, flicking back hair you don’t have to flick back cause that’s the mannerism of a soft-haired community.
I don’t agree with people that say its not a race issue, cause even at such a young aged, she has grouped people as either brown or white and she prefers her own family in the brown community. And the brown people probably bore her because they insist she speaks her native language or some other thing that would irritate a child socialised in a shool that is predominantly white. We see it all the time, a child not communicating in her own language even with her own parents. What cause that when all languages are used at home?
Its a fine topic to discuss with a small person but it must be constantly discussed.
When my daughter was four years old she made a similar comment. We were living in the US at the time and she was in the monority in her class and she wanted to be part of the majority. I think that at this age children become aware of similarities and differences. More importantly they become aware of themselves in relation to others. I found a really nice book entitled “The skin I am in” (I cannot remember the author) really useful in explaining difference (not just in terms of ‘race’) and why all children are special. Even though we bought it when she was four (and at that stage there was a lot she did not understand) we have referred back to it a number of times over the years (she is now nine).
I enjoyed reading all the views…especially Sizwe and Polite. It is almost what Steve Biko said all those years ago. He wanted blacks to love themselves and be proud of who they were. He often said “black is beautiful”. He had strong views and he stood by his convictions just like Polite and Sizwe…Good for you guys…..
I do however not look to deep into what the kids say. My 5 year old just started grade 0 and has been at school for exactly 4 days and still does not remember her friends name. She just refers to her as the ‘fat girl’. I went to fetch her today and asked her to point the little girl out and she pointed to a little black girl.
She never saw colour….only her body shape. I told her to remember the child as Rebecca and not ‘the fat girl’, she just laughed and said….but she calls me ‘shorty’ mom!!!.
Some children see colour first some see size and some see shape.
I really think that the racism issue we see in our children is just a reflection of our experiences.
Living in South Africa is certainly colourful and interesting to say the least. Lets embrace these issues and talk to our children openly about matters and they will make the right choices when they are adults. Have Faith.
Mina,I had to laugh,your daughter’s comment was so hilarious, and perhaps more poignant,if everyone noticed a person’s characteristics more than their colour,the issue of racial awareness would be half-solved(I refuse to call it racism because that just feeds into all the negativity surrounding the issues of different colours,kids by nature aren’t capable of racism,unless the environment actively/inactively indoctrinates them).
I pray that we as parents are able to let our kids be kids,if we adults don’t take such stuff too personally,neither will the kids. This reminded me of years back when I was 16 and my white pen-friend took me back to her country,Sweden,for a term. On an outing to the zoo,we went to a pen which had a lot of baboons,despite being from Africa,I had never seen baboons in real life before so I was absolutely shocked by the “pinkness” of their behinds so I exclaimed “oh my God,they have got pink bums!!” to which my pen-pal coolly replied “but Polite,we’ve got pink bums,too!!!” and we both burst out laughing!!!
So lets take heart,as a member of the brown race I will always feel that the past hurts against my kind have given the other race an unfair advantage over us,but we are here now and we can make a difference to our circumstances,regardless.
Can’t help but agree with Karen.
Can’t help but think. How will I ever be able to teach my children to accept others and that they will be accepted if ‘brown and black’ parents will make sure their children will carry on the hatred of the wrongs in the past(Sizwe).
I’ve never understood this ‘logic’ – why and how long must I pay for the mistakes generations before me made?
We will really never get anywhere with attitudes like this! This is really very sad.
lol.
I love this planet.
tell me lizette, what exactly have you paid for your ancestors mistakes. hmm? a little remorse? were you nicer to your maid? lol. did you have cathartic conversations in the canteen with your black colleague about how wrong apartheid was?
lol.
and now you’re not racist?
let me put it to you like this: since 1995, any display of anger/sadness/self-assertion by black individuals in the presence of white individuals has been met with that argument of yours, effectively closing the space for us to really engage in a dialogue about what happened.
personally i dont even blame white people for apartheid. I blame black people for letting it happen; for dropping the ‘dignity’ ball, as it were.
so dont worry. i dont hate you. I just dont think you think very clearly.
enjoy your life.
Good work once again. Thanks;)