A single mom’s story and search for a local support group
by Emma Levine, mother to the two most amazing and beautiful kids in the world. Everyday with them is special. You can email her at levine@leonora.co.za.
My husband walked out on me and our 2 year old son, Luca, on the day that our 2nd son, Tiano was born.
I thought that the hardest part about being divorced was being a single parent. Then after my husband moved to Cape Town to live with his ‘girlfriend’ I realized that not having a father around was far worse. The last time that he saw his two kids was on 21 September (today is 28 October). Even when he was in JHB for 1 and ½ weeks at the beginning of October he did not attempt to see them. He promised to visit his kids every two weeks, but now he is claiming that he has no money.
Before he left, he was seeing the kids three to four times a week. Yet he told everybody that I would not let him see the kids. Even though I let him talk to Luca everyday on the phone, he told everybody I would not let him talk to Luca.
In the beginning the only support came from my parents. All ‘our’ friends dropped me, and even friends that were friends for a while after he left, dropped me. I didn’t want any help from anybody else because I wanted to do everything myself. On 24 July at Luca’s first sports day my ex-husbands brother’s family was there to support Luca. They were really nice to me… They have since been a huge support, together with my ex mom-in-law, much to my ex’s disgust.
Everyday I felt like I was climbing out of a deep hole. Every now and again, I would stumble, but I would pick myself up, wipe the dust off and try again. Luca walks around the house calling ‘pappa’. He talks to ‘pappa’ on his hand as if it were a telephone. When he went to soccer for the first time he ran onto the field shouting ‘pappa, pappa.’ Despite everything that I have been through, this is the most painful thing to experience. The hurt manifests itself physically as a sharp, searing pain in my heart. Sounds like a cliché, but it is very true.
I am struggling to accept the fact that their father is not interested in them. Every time I look into my kids eyes, tears start to well up. I am upset and angry that there will be no father around for father-sons days at school, for soccer, for the first bike ride and for many other amazing experiences. I have started to look around for support groups in my area to talk to other single parents but I am struggling to find any. Most are online, which is great, but I would like to build a local network. Is anybody interested in forming a support group in the Sandton area or knows of a support group in the area.
Emma
This is a difficult situation and it’s going to take time to come to terms with what an arsehole he is being. Ultimately, he is the loser and will miss out on some much with his children.
Don’t try to do it alone. It’s said that it takes a village to raise a child, and it does – look to your family for support, look to the family of your ex – it sounds as if they really do wish to be a part of you and your childrens lives – let them in, let them help you. I appreciate this may be difficult as you may view them as “his” family but they are also family to Luca and Tiano, and to you if you will let them.
Good luck
I went thru a similar situation 20 yrs ago. It was awful. You sound strong and I know you’ll survive, as will the boys. They have you and a loving family. Thats what matters. I promise. I am here for you Em, far away in miles but definitely a caring sister and Aunt! Lots of love.
Hi Emma,
Please join ‘chitter-chatter mommies’ on facebook
Hi- iol’s babynet forum is a forum for all parents, but has quite a few single parents on it. Lot’s of the moms is based in the Joburgh North/West area and meets up from time to time.
Hi Emma,
you are in a very difficult situation and it is definitely difficult being a single mom, and even more difficult when the kids miss dad. I am in the process of getting divorced and a mom of 2 little ones, and generally all the change and finding a new way of life and routine is also difficult in itself.
Family and friends are a great source of help and support. I have also found that the moms at my kids school have been a wonderful source of support. Perhaps an idea is to start your own little group especially for single and divorced moms so that you all have an understanding of what you and the kids are going through, that way you will also know how to support each other.
Unfortunately i live a little too far away otherwise i would be happy to start a group with you. None the less email is also a great way to connect esp. when time is limited.
Your experience sounds tremendously painful. I wish you all the best. Be brave. Be the best mom you can be. You cannot be two parents. Accept help where it is offered and is sincere. May you find the stamina, strength and wisdom to cope and create a positive loving atmosphere for your children to grow up in.
Its always so hard when kids miss their Daddies…but you can be the best mother to them. Don’t try to replace him. Know that this too shall pass – unfortunately so many women go through this when men decide they cant handle the reality of heading a family. But I think you will learn to cope and make the best of the situation. Good luck.
Hi Emma,
My heart goes out to you. I know a little of what you going through as I was 7 months pregnant with my first baby when my husband told me he was having an affair – I was shattered!. Yes, he did walk out and it was the worse most darkest moments of my life. I cannot think how these feelings must have affected my unborn child – even though I did my best to minimize the grief. My family and friends were great but it’s not the same as someone who has been through the same of similar thing.
I want to say to you – CONGRATULATIONS for picking up the pieces and being THERE for your boys. You are an AMAZING person. Your ex is a LOSER and better off without him..( u will see this in the long run) What will your boys think off him when they grow up and can understand better??? He will realize this but it might be too late. Sooner or later the novelty of the new girlfriend will wear off…
You be strong and know that when one door closes – others always open…
Hi,I have been through the same thing about 17 years ago. My husband left me when my son was 5 and my daughter 1. All i can say is life goes on, and you need to be strong and be the best parent you can be to your kids. Being a mother and a father is difficult, but you can do it. Hope you find the strength and courage to move on.
Hi, this is a tough situation, i know because the same thing happened to my mon – 35 years ago. I just thought i wld share my experience for what its worth:My mom never seemed to move on from this experience and obssessed about her “disappointment in life” . She shared her story with everyone and anyone who would listen. As a child I was looked at with pity and as a teenager i was profusely embarrassed by her behaviour. I had to grow up very fast. I know that it is a tough place to be right now, but please trust me, the kids will be fine depending on how YOU choose to look at situation. My dad leaving me wasn’t the worst thing that happened, my mother not being able to get over it and move on was!
Hi Emma,
I had a similar experience a few years ago and understand how you feel. However, please realise that when a marriage breaks up there are 2 parties to blame and therefore I find it appalling to start a blog throwing with mud. I went to see a psychologist and he opened my eyes; maybe you should do the same. Good luck!
Hi,
Understand your situation, but I would never publish this anywhere. Just imagine how friends of your children might react when they are in school. Sort it out yourself.
Emma,
Your story is clear and not one of a kind. I have dealt with many similar situations and would like to give you some very relevant advice.
Avoid by all means that your problem becomes the future problem of your children. Internet knows no boundaries and once the story is there one can always retrace it. In my professional life as a professor in child psychology I have come across many situations where later in life children discovered what their mother, or father as the case may be, had exposed them to resulting in the children opting for their father in later life, a situation you want to avoid. Try to establish a “working relationship” with your ex and get rid of this blog as soon as you can.
Yoh, that’s a bit harsh, Anna & Ruth. Emma asked for help. Either offer it or criticise her offline if you really feel it necessary.
I’m with @madelein on this one.
What I learned from this blog:
* I can’t underestimate the hurt and difficulty that a single mother goes through
* Kids always want their dads, even if the guy is an arsehole.
* I need to make sure I’m offering support and love to the single mothers in my life (if I know any)
* If you reach out for help on the internet, there will be misguided idiots basically saying to you “what will the neighbours think?” and “pull yourself together — the kids will find your blog and want to move in with their father.” (Yes, I’m talking to you, so-called professor of psychology @Anne and @Mary)
The reality is that the oke is an arsehole. His family seems great though. Accept that the father will never be who his kids need him to be or who you need him to be. He will probably always have excuses.
So your job is to design your life and parenting around these unpleasant facts. The kids love their father which is right and good. You need to keep your sanity and do what you need to do for yourself. The BEST GIFT you can give your kids is a healthy mother.
Hi Emma,
I read all the stories and especially Anne Van Zijl’s advice.
Although I retired as a child psychologist some time ago I think a some more advice can be added.
First of all: you are not the only one; I have come across similar situations many times. That may not be of help, but is important to know.
The following rules are important to keep in mind.
1. When the children grow up they will fully understand the situation and draw their own conclusions.
2. Make sure that your children (and yourself) ONLY socialize with people who have been a support and good friend to you before all this happened. In these kind of situations many people will care about you and the children, because they are witness to your “mourning” experience, but most of all they want to be of support for your children and not so much for you. Never forget your children come first!
3. You are the mother and the (sole) educator. Don’t let other people interfere. You know what is best for your children, your instinct will tell you.
4. Children at a young age can be a burden. So be it, that is part of the social behaviour of a child. If he shouts let him shout, but stop it after a few minutes. Children need to get rid of their energy.
5. Love them like you love your parents and they will become model citizens.
6. Many friends are only friends as long as they need you, always keep that in mind.That’s part of human nature.
Hope this helps a lot. I am sure you’ll be ok, like most single parents after some time.
All the best.