motherhood

articles

• Mothers without fathers, a single mom’s story.
• Strong mothers, strong sons
• Cybermoms thrive
• The love of a mother
• 5 ways to let go this Mother’s Day
• A mother’s instinct is never wrong
• Working mum – the ‘decision’ and the guilt
• Finding fulfillment as a stay-at-home mom
• The challenges facing working moms
• Words to my daughter
• Have I been a good mother?
• What they don’t teach you at antenatal classes
• Shelve the guilt and ignore the doubt
• Someone to call me mommy
• With love to my Xhosa African Queen Mother
• Mrs Johnson’s daughter
• Being a mom is not about being a martyr
• Mother’s Day, it’s not all chocolates and teddy bears!
• Taking credit for being a supermom

by Karen Oliver, a single mom of 3 with a great sense of humour , takes her role as mother to heart and makes every day in her chaotic tribe purposeful. Follow her on twitter or facebook for quirks on her tell-it-all life.

Father’s day is an interesting day in our tribe as my kids do not have a father figure to look up on our single mother household.  I have 3children, Michael (14), Steven (18) and my little angel girl, Krysstel is 7. I often wonder how this affects them. Its tricky as a single mom to try and fulfil this role.

So what have I done in my tribe to fill this very vital and critical gap (especially for my boys…)

1. Instead of family we call ourselves a little tribe and to explain why,  I include some word play – TRIBE = TRI – BE = TRY {TO} BE>.  Our TRI-BE’s creed – confirms OUR RIGHTFUL place where we can practice to BE <ourselves> in this world.

2. We have honest and open conversations. I have found male family members and friends, whom my children and I trust and can talk to about topics they don’t want to have with me.

3.Talking about sex with my two teenage boys is the hardest.  Yet when I don’t know the answer, we do research together to find relevant answers

4. The most beautiful behaviour however has came from my eldest son.  He has taken on the role of father figure for his little sister.  He was with  me at his sister’s birth, at the age of 11.  My midwife said that the birth  experience would make him an excellent father one day.  Well he has taken it upon himself to play this role in his little sister’s life, and she adores her brother – in fact she really listens to what he has to say – more than she listens to me.

5. My  mothering style is controversial.  I am not afraid to show them real hard life, and the wickedness which exists in our world.  My children are intelligent, emotionally mature and spiritually connected.  Most importantly they are street wise, and know how to deal with tough challenges including aspects of peer pressure, alcohol, drugs, sex and violence.  They know that there is one person that they can always count on, when they are in trouble, when they need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.  I might bark at their bad behaviour but I never bite!

I often wonder how  child headed families cope. How can we as communities assist and support these families in filling the gaps of absent role models so needed in a child’s life.?

In conclusion however, I want to honour all real fathers out there.  A facebook friend, Theo Geldenhuys had a kidney transplant a year ago and was told by doctors that he will never have children.  His baby girl, Zoe was born a week ago. I asked him what father’s day means to him this year.  His answer: “Being a father is my utmost blessing in life, I adore my little miracle!”

by Sine Thieme, a writer and mother of four who is new to South Africa and busy chronicling her experiences on her blog, Joburg Expat.

This Mother’s Day, why not ask for the gift of attending a parenting workshop? It might seem counterintuitive to want to concern yourself with more mothering questions when all you really want to do on Mother’s Day is kick back and have no kid duties, but trust me, you will gain a lot. I recently attending one called  from this particular class. It is called “Strong Mothers Strong Sons” and facilitated by Megan de Beyer,  a psychologist who has run a number of these courses throughout South Africa and in California. I had the good fortune of attending her recent appearance at Dainfern College in Johannesburg.

For one, it was very refreshing to spend a whole weekend just listening to someone else’s teaching, especially someone with so much insight into the workings of families, and families with teenagers in particular. As mothers, we are always busy organizing other people’s lives, checking things off lists, and feeding people who seem to constantly be hungry, so sitting in class for a change without having to lift a finger was a soothing experience. None of Megan’s revelations in and of itself was really news to me. But it is one thing to know what you’re supposed to do (and not to do). It’s an entirely different matter to stop, take a step back, and look at the big picture for a change.

We discussed many topics, ranging from your teenager’s need for more independence as his brain develops, our need as mothers to be in control, female versus male emotional states, A-Type versus B-Type personalities, and – a must for a workshop on teenagers – sex, drugs, and alcohol. I came away with a number of great messages, such as:

After an entire weekend of listening to Megan, not only do I feel energized to adjust my parenting approach, I also feel a new calmness, fueled by complete trust and belief in my children, a sense of awe and wonder that I get to witness their development. I’m sure it’ll wear off after a while, as all such things are prone to do, at which time I might have to attend another workshop. But in the meantime I feel content and proud as a mother of four wonderful children

For more details, read my related post on my parenting blog, Desperate Mothers.

Click here to find information about organisatoins that offer parenting workshops on Jozikids,

by Tanya Kovarsky, the editor of Living & Loving magazine, mom to Max, and a fan of running, baking, reading and iPads. Find her on Twitter (@TanyaKovarsky) or her blog.

Last week, I had brunch with a group of moms I met through a website forum. Tomorrow, I have playdate with a mom I met on Twitter and through our blogs, and I’m trying to arrange – via email on Smartphones – drinks with another mom I connected with through my magazine’s website forum. I considered these moms “friends” before even meeting them, and with them, there are dozens more, connecting, consoling and chatting with me digitally, whether it’s through blogging, Facebooking, Tweeting or posting on forums.

My digital connections with other moms have helped me through sleepless nights, have enabled me to find great costume shops in Joburg, and have made me feel “normal” with my imperfections as a mother. For example, the other night, after a trying wake-up at 2am with a crying teething baby, I Tweeted that I was awake and had a miserable baby. Five minutes later, I had not only received Tweets of compassion, but had found another mom whose baby was going through the same thing. In that moment, my “problem” was halved, my heart warmed, and I’d found a new “friend”.

From my online friends and reading their blogs, Tweets and posts, I’ve learnt that I’m not the only one who wants to go to the loo alone, and I’m not the sole mom who occasionally gives her kid cereal and yoghurt for supper because it’s easiest, or wishes that she could go back to the pre-children days for a few hours just for that Sunday-afternoon nap.

Digital connections are making motherhood easier and less lonely. It’s allowing us to vent about our challenges, to ask for a the best tried-and-tested nappy rash remedies, to moan about loss of sleep, and to find comfort from those who just “get it”, without judgement most of the time. No one said motherhood was easy, but my iPad, Blackberry and laptop are facilitating my journey, thanks to the friends, listeners and supporters “inside.

by Bheki Khoza-Mabona, Uj communications student who loves nature and has a passion for writing and composing poetry. Find him on  twitter @TheRealBheki

The love of a mother never perishes…

It’s been five years, 11 months since I last saw your face and with each passing day I remember the love we once shared, the times I looked into your face and shared a joke with you. With you time was precious and moments shared were always recreated and re-invented.

You chose me and I chose you back, back in 1987 on the 22nd of February (The month of love).  You gave me life, you natured me into a son, without a man in the house, a father figure to guide me.  You never disappointed but made me a boy amongst others. You  taught me important life lessons that looking back now, I see  and still feel you  right beside me. Your love for me still lingers in everything I touch.

You loved me before you saw me, you took care of me before somebody else could help you look after me. How can I now not honour your legacy.  How can I make you proud?

I know I made you proud  as the first of your  8 children to see the doors of a university,  when I was selected student of the year at High school and read  my poetry at school gatherings.  Now I’m on my way to getting my  university degree and  know I am still making you proud.

Grace Cynthia Mhlanga you are the superhero and will always be the guide in my life. Thank  you for instilling the foundations of listening and understanding with the knowlege that  I was loved by a woman who left me and my siblings too soon. Your love  love and lessons remain to guide us in the present  and into the future!

P.S. This blurry photo of my mom with my siblings is the only one I still have in my album.

My mom was 54 when she died.  She was a domestic helper, she was a very strong willed women, loved church, had 8 kids (2 boys and 6 girls) who she raised in a 4 bed roomed house. She was a  Christian and loved her kids regardless of what we all turned out to be.

by Genevieve Young, a Life Coach for teens and a Sri Sri Yoga teacher who also runs practical workshops on achieving wellness and centredness in these busy times. Visit her website to find out more.

Us women are truly wonderful creatures.

We are always ready to give to others, whether it be our friends, family, job, parents… Loving and nurturing others is our second nature, and it brings us a lot of joy and happiness.

But what women are not so good at is RECEIVING love, care and help. We say, “Don’t worry I’ll do it” when in actual fact we are exhausted and would love for someone else to do it.

Sound familiar?

For whatever reason, we find it hard to just say, “I need help” or “I can’t today”. Unfortunately the result of always giving out to others and not taking back is that we get more and more drained. We then tend to become angry and resentful towards those we love the most. Doesn’t really seem fair right?

The truth is that the people in your life would love to help and care for you, but just don’t how (because you’ve never told them!)

This Mother’s Day is a great opportunity to allow your loved ones to spoil you and learn a little more about how they can support you more often.

Here are some ideas:
1. Allow your husband or partner to do all the arrangements, shopping and planning for the Mother’s Day weekend. You will be tempted to jump in and help or give advice, but RESIST. Just trust your partner to do it and relax. Does it really matter if you don’t have the exact brand of bread you normally have? The rest and peace of mind you get from being looked after will be worth it, I promise.

2. Inform your family that you will be sleeping in on Mother’s Day. Let them know that you would really like some quiet time on that morning please. Tell then who to callthey urgently need something that morning, so they don’t bother you.

3. Call up your girlfriends and watch your favourite tearjerker. If your friends can’t come to you for the movie, plan the event at one of their houses. Just being yourself with your friends is food for the soul.

4. Let someone else cook and clean up. I know they are probably not going to cook what you had in mind, and perhaps not as well as you would have, but it’s ok. Your family is not going to starve and who knows, maybe you’ll discover a fabulous cook in your midst? Again, just relax and let it happen, no back-seat cooking please. That just defeats the whole relaxing part of it. If you still can’t let go, then get out of the house until the food is cooked.

5. Engage in your favourite creative activity or hobby. You’ve probably been putting this off, so get out your painting, sewing, scrapbooking, mosaic etc. Whichever activity that gets your creative juices flowing.

Here’s to you letting go this Mother’s Day and being spoilt!

Enjoy it, you deserve it !

by Kerry Haggard, a working mom who loves (nearly) all the tools that that 21st century life brings to parenting. Her most important parenting tool, however, is instinct. Follow her on Twitter or read her blog

A woman I worked for many years ago spoke of “feeling things in her waters” – and it’s a notion I only fully got to grips with when I became a mom. In the runup to the birth of my first child, I was given truckloads of advice from all directions – but the piece of advice that stuck the most was to ignore all the advice and follow my gut. And it’s the one that’s worked the best for me.

Two examples in the last few weeks have proven this right yet again. I had promised my boys a sleepover at their beloved grandparents on the Sunday night before the public holiday. Matthew (my youngest) woke up from his afternoon nap that day unusually grumpy and clingy, and I treated a mild temperature with some Calpol – and he bounced back. My gut was saying that I shouldn’t let him sleep out – but my suggestion that they stay home was met with roars of disapproval from both sides of the age spectrum – so I let them go.

What happened? At 4am my mom-in-law called to say that Matthew had been crying inconsolably since 2am, and that I should come and fetch him because he “was not good”. I tore out of bed, screamed across to fetch him, heart pounding all the way and imagining the worst. He stopped when I got there, and had calmed down by the time we got home, enough for me to decide to take him to the doctor later in the morning, rather than braving Casualty. Turns out he had infections in both ears. If that situation arises again – I will make sure he stays home.

This week when my gut shouted out, I listened to it. Daniel had earache, and my husband took him to our doctor. The doctor prescribed an antibiotic for his ear, which I pretty much expected. When the pharmacist dispensed 28 adult-sized tablets, my husband asked if that was right – surely that was an adult medication, and an adult dose. “It’s what the doctor prescribed,” the pharmacist said. “Are you really sure that this is for a five year old child?” my husband asked, pointing to Daniel who was with him. “Yes, it’s fine,” the pharmacist continued – and handed over the Augmentin, with the instruction that Daniel take two large tablets, twice a day for 7 days.

When I heard this, all sorts of alarm bells rang. When I got home and saw this lot, I BBM’d the doctor, to confirm that this actually was what he wanted.  To cut a long story short (you can read the long story here if you want to) , the doctor prescribed the adult version of the drug instead of the paediatric one, and the pharmacist dispensed it, in spite of my husband querying it. My instinct refused to accept that. Questioning the doctor and the pharmacist because of my “waters” having their own storm of panic saved my son a great deal of suffering – he would have had severe diarrhea, would probably have dehydrated, and his immune system would have been severely compromised by an antibiotic dose four times what he required.

So – if there’s any advice I can give to any mom or dad out there when it comes to parenting, it’s to listen to your instinct. If anyone tells you otherwise, make sure you are completely happy with how they convince you. In my experience, your instinct will always be right.

By Sholain Govender-Bateman , Pretoria based journalism lecturer who worked for The Star, Pretoria & other  publications. She is mum to two gorgeous girls, Isobel and Aishwari, and wife to Barry. Follow her on Twitter @sholain

This is part 1 in a series entitled Ramblings of a (21st century) working mum

I remember my childhood when my mum and most of her friends were all home executives. My siblings and I were driven to school, picked up by my mother when needed and she was always available to help with homework, attend school functions and sporting events, assist with last-minute projects and of course, always had breakfast, tea and supper ready on time.

At that time in the conservative, middle-class community that I lived in, it was strange and even looked down upon as some form of neglect if a child had to return from school to an empty house and fend for himself whilst the mother in question was at work. People in my neighbourhood were quick to blame even the slightest misdemeanour on the ‘absence’ of the working mother.

Well, times have certainly changed. These days a stay-at-home mum whose husband is the sole breadwinner is the exception rather than the rule. Aside from the fact that most women have well-established careers before marrying and having children, few households can survive on a single-income budget.

It is clear to me that my family and I benefit from me working full-time. We have all the material things that we need and most of what we want. My husband and I are on equal footing after a full day’s work, and most importantly I maintain my individuality whilst also being a mum and wife.

The cons, however, cannot be ignored – I miss my two girls dearly every single day. The older is 3-years-old and my second is 4-months-old.

I don’t always get to see the milestones when they happen – when my first child started crawling, my husband was off that day and had the pleasure of seeing her scuttle lopsidedly across the floor. When he called me at work, I dropped everything and immediately drove home to catch a repeat performance but still remember my feeling of disappointment at not being there for the premiere.

The guilt of not being with them 24/7 never fades completely. This despite me knowing that that they are in excellent hands whilst I am away and should I ‘decide’ to stay home, we’d have to change our standard of living  plus I’d have to give up a career.

This guilt is probably a remnant of my childhood when working women were judged, or it could be an innate maternal guilt that cannot be removed – whatever the cause – I sometimes wonder if me being away from my children for a large part of every day will result in them being misfits as adults – but then I look at the hundreds of succesful, functional people I know who were raised by working and realise that my concerns are unfounded.

The most important thing is to accept that I am a working mum and then balance my life and roles according to my circumstances.

(next) Part 2 – Working mum – balancing act supreme!

by Jayshree Sita, a mom who traded the life of a chartered accountant to become a teacher and now devotes her time to her  family. She’s also an aspiring writer and artist who is passionate about self-development.

I read an article in the Feb issue of Woman and Home entitled, “Don’t call me a housewife, I’m a CHO(Chief Household Officer).”

I am currently a stay-at-home mom of two gorgeous kids aged 9 and 6, and interestingly my husband is the CEO of a very prestigious company. I would love to add a ‘C’ to my title.

A key message in the article indicated that “the role of housewife is not going to go away, but it’s about empowerment, and bringing challenge, enjoyment and status back to a role in decline.”  This line touched a chord with me as I believe that I have experienced this very phenomenon and would like to share my story.

I have experienced a glamorous corporate career as a chartered accountant, and a second very rewarding, yet challenging career as a teacher.

As a teacher I had the opportunity to inspire young people, and contribute meaningfully to their growth and learning. I taught business studies at matric level and could use my CA experience to make lessons ‘real world’ and interesting. However, the teaching workload was immense. I also found that a lot of teaching time was lost in playing policeman in the classroom. I realised how important my role is as a parent in raising my kids to have good manners and to instill a learning culture in them from a young age.

In 2008, we had begun to build a new home, and I found myself becoming the unofficial building project manager looking after builders, plumbers, etc., an unpaid, unglamorous, super stressful role.  Eventually, I let go my teaching job to focus on getting the house built.  Thankfully,that experience is behind me and we now live in a beautiful home.

I chose not to return to formal teaching,being fully aware that the demands were too high on my  family time.

Nevertheless, at home I sometimes felt lonely and unfulfilled. Being “just a mommy” is not very intellectually stimulating and carries no status in society. Added to this, my husband’s promotion to CEO triggered a few self-esteem issues. I asked myself, “Am I okay being just a supporting actress in the Sita Family Show?”

Anyway, I turned 40 last year and began to explore things that I find uplifting – art, writing ,reading, volunteering at schools and studying Vedanta philosophy. I also found like-minded people to team up with in these endeavours.

My Vedanta studies led me to formulating an ideal for myself. It is “To build a community of caring, creative, thinking children who will contribute to the world in a positive way  with a strong self-belief as well as sound values and judgement. I have begun to work on this ideal at home, and within my community and neighbouring schools. In pursuit of this ideal, I see my own fulfillment arising whether in a formal or informal job.

Hence, I now feel at peace as I am able to fulfill that vital role of CHO (I love the term), while still following my personal aspirations and giving myself the respect I believe I am due.

Lindsay Grubb, wife & mom to a nearly 3 yr old daughter and owner of L Communications where she helps you get the right message across to the right audience. Follow her on Twitter and LinkedIn

Working mothers are less dedicated. Working mothers are less adaptable. Working mothers’ skills are outdated. Working mothers are going to take maternity leave as soon as you hire them.

These are just some of the reasons 69% of companies in South Africa won’t be hiring working mothers in 2011 according to www.Fin24.com journalist Vida Booysen’s article “Hard times ahead for working moms”

Does this make you as mad as it made me when I read it?

I was retrenched along with 900,000 other people in the 2009 recession. With few employment opportunities available, I started my own marketing and public relations agency, L Communications, I’m also a freelance writer and I run www.hiccupsandgigglessa.com a parenting website.

Like every other working mom I know, I work incredibly hard. I’m in the home office every morning at 07:20, sometimes even 05:00 if I have a deadline and run flat out till five that evening, when my amazing nanny Mirriam goes home.

Then I swop my busy executive hat for my mom hat and my full focus turns to Ciara, my nearly-three year old daughter. She is 92cm bundle of energy and light, who is full of wonder and excitement wanting to learn everything, help with everything, and taste everything. I don’t stop till I pass out around midnight every night. If there’s a deadline I have to hit, my supportive husband wakes me after an hour’s nap and herds me back to the office where a strong cup of coffee sits steaming on my desk. He stays up with me till I’m done to make sure I hit the deadline.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could change the perception of working mothers? Wouldn’t it be great if we could show the business community the following traits that make us great mothers and great employees?

These are skills we use every day as mothers, and they translate beautifully into the workplace.

So working mom’s hold your heads high, 31% of South African companies are smart enough to recognise the talents we bring to the table. Let’s show the other 69% what we’re made of.

Copyright © 2011 Lindsay Grubb

by Jude Foulston ,  new mom, wife, entrepreneur,  friend and crafter who’s loving the challenge of trying to  keep it all together on a daily basis. She’s also the creator of jamtin– an online directory for all things handmade

Dear Layla

My baby girl who’s changed our world forever – you are the most precious little person that fills each day with your smiles, cuddles and love. It’s difficult to remember what life was before you arrived and how we survived without the cuddles, baby breathe and sweet little noises you love to make.

It’s difficult to find the words to describe the love we have for you… there are times that I walk into your room and you greet me with a smile that fills the entire room – it physically makes me want to burst with love for you, with an emotion that comes from deep within my soul

Dear Husband to Me and Daddy to Layla

You do know that you’re the best Daddy in the world… that’s quite a big title, but I know that to Layla you are the best Daddy ever. Pretty awesome to know that you’re going to be someone’s real life hero soon.

We’ve learnt a lot in the very short 4 months – both about being parents and each other. Could we ever have known how our lives would be changed. There are times that I miss you and seem that life is all consumed by being a mom – I promise to try my best to focus on you as much as I do Layla – bear with me as I find the balance, and the hours in the day to get to everything. Just as much as I love our monkey, I love you more. We did this together, created such a perfect little creature and have our whole lives together moulding, teaching and loving our baby girl. I know we’re going to make mistakes, but more than that, I know we’re  going to be amazing parents, a great husband and wife team and together provide a family where she is loved and treasured daily.

Dear Me

You rock as a mom, and don’t you forget it. You’ve got a blank canvas to work with here  – remember that, but also don’t let it overwhelm you – as you already know that this parenting thing can get overwhelming! Teach her every day, love her every minute, let her explore, help her create, encourage her to discover, let her make mistakes and trust that you are doing a great job. You’ve waited for this all your life and you were born to be a mom. Don’t let your career distract you – your work is important, you need it and enjoy it, but this little girl is your real job now and you’ve been promoted to CEO from day one. Training is in-house, remuneration is paid in love and vacation time is limited – all this and you’ve still got the best job in the world.

Our baby girl, we cherish each day we have with you. You are our gift from God and as we try and teach you all about life, we love every minute that you teach us what life is about.