“Travis will never go to a normal school.”

It hurt, hearing those words coming from our first-born’s paediatric neurologist, but we needed to hear them. Up until that point my husband and I had been clinging to the belief that if we put in the hard work while our son was a toddler – hours of intense sessions occupational, physio and speech therapy – we could ‘fix’ Travis in time for him to go to ‘big school’. We couldn’t be more wrong.

The thing is: educating a child with special needs is a no-man’s land. The Department of Education doesn’t support nor recognise curriculums that have been adapted for students who are intellectually challenged. Don’t get me wrong, there are schools that focus on children with autism, and remedial schools for children with various learning challenges.

But schools for children like Travis, whose disabilities means that he’ll likely never achieve any kind of independence, never mind make any contribution to the economy…

In the year that Travis would begin Grade 1, which is 2014, we’ll have to apply to the Department of Education for exemption for him to attend mainstream schooling as provided by our government. And that’s it – the only, brief and final contact Travis will ever have with South Africa’s education system.

Unlike in developed countries such as the United States, where state authorities go out of their way to accommodate children like Travis, even pairing him with a carer who’d accompany him to school each day and assist him in class, in our country it’s left up to the parents.

So what were we to do? For families like ours, your options are:

Find a school that caters for children with disabilities and special needs.

We went for option three.

You might wonder, why bother educating a mentally disabled boy? At the risk of sounding like a Hallmark card, it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey. When you look back on your school days, do you remember the time you learnt how to do algebra, or do you remember making your first friend and sharing sandwiches on the playground?

We found a school for Travis, the Wiggles and Squiggles Special Needs Academy in Boskruin, where the principal has adapted the Montessorri curriculum for children like Travis. He has an IEP, or an independent education programme, where each term we work towards simple goals. This year one of his goals is to master his pencil-grip. Last year another of his goals was: learn to blow your nose!

Travis gets a report, and we attend regular parent-teacher sessions. We don’t feel like we’re just going through the motions or wasting our money. Instead of being side-lined by the education system, we’ve re-worked the system to suit us. Travis is in the school of life, and his life has value, no matter

P.S. The photos in this article of my family and I were taken by Noleen Foster Photography

As a mother of four amazingly different children, I have often thought of homeschooling them myself.. My reasons being twofold: financial affordability and to inculcate my value systems .

I felt that my kids would be able to learn at their own pace and cover more subject matter in less time. I wanted to incorporate religious and secular studies under one value system.

I tried homeschooling my five year old when I returned from the Middle East in 2011.  For a while she was happy to learn with me and she picked up very quickly. However, after a few months she wanted to have friends and got bored at home. I noticed too that she became withdrawn even with family members that she was familiar with.

Eventually after 3 months I enrolled her in a preschool and she enjoyed being with kids her age rather than spending time with her 3 year old sister. She has also became more confident.

My husband and I have considered re-introducing homeschooling again. In my experience, the only down side is the lack of social interaction with peers where the children can be too sheltered and isolated. The ideal would be to have a network of homeschooling parents with kids of similar ages and to meet regularly or to even have a classroom of kids where parents involve themselves collectively in the teaching process

The advantages of going to a school are the discipline and routine.  Children are more aware of and integrate into our multiracial society which equips them better for the real world. It also exposes them to the harsh realities and existence of bullies and they learn to participate in healthy competition and team activities.

In the end I believe that parents are their children’s most important role models.  If you lead by example the child will adopt those values.  Even if they learn bad habits it can be undone by practically reiterating your principles and values until they are old enough to distinguish between right and wrong.

MIDTERM EXAM HELP

Mid year exams are approaching. Some kids may need a little help to boost their marks. Find a list of tuition and other supportive services that can help.

SHOWS

The 7 Wonders Barnyard Menlyn, May 15-Jun 24 A Tribute to Elvis Presley, Carlos Santana, Bryan Adams, Whitney Houston, Christina Aguilera, Bob Marley and Chris de Burgh

PARENTING HELP

Cake Baking Demo, Ludwigs Rose Farm, Pta, May 26. 9.30am-1pm. Join Maggie Richter who will be hosting a cake baking demonstration on the main rose farm in Pretoria. Session 1: Maggie will demonstrate how to create a light-textured cake with a rose-flavoured filling.
Session 2: Bring your own apron! Participants are instructed how to create an attractive assembly, perfect as dessert after a special meal or ashighlight at a children’s party.

Financial Planning, One 10 Kids Club, Blairgowrie, May 26, 9am-3pm, 14-18yr olds.An interactive and practical workshop for teenage girls. Learn how to make money work for you so you can always be financially independent.

ADHASA Parents Seminar, Blairgowrie, May 26-27. In one weekend you will learn to recognise signs and symptoms of ADHD, understand the condition and learn how to effectively cope and help your child. All day Sat and Sunday until 1pm

Open Day at Ladybird Corner To celebrate the official launch of this centre in Orange Grove, May 25-26, 8am-5pm. Family centre for pregnancy, parents & kids. They offer Ante-Natal Classes, 4 D scans, preggi yoga, vaccinations, breastfeeding advice, nanny courses, baby food, physiotherapist, psychologist, baby massage, HIV/AIDS counselling, Dietician, Speech Therapist, homeopathy, yoga, aromotherapy, life coach, parenting workshops, parenting and child workshops, play therapy, coffee shop.

I was able to spend quality time with my children for the first 5 years of their lives. I only worked a few hours twice a week allowing me the independence and experience of the workforce.  Simultaneously I was able to spend quality time with my kids on the days I didnt work.

Being at home was very fulfilling making sure that my kids had eaten well, and enjoyed their playtime. There is nothing to compare with the joy of feeling their tiny heads falling asleep on my shoulder, the butterfly kisses that they showered me with and the confidence with which they talked to me. These moments cannot be reinvented because they need you the most at these tender ages before starting school.

Now that my kids are all in school, I work half day. They run to the car each day excited to see me and eager to tell me the days happenings. They know the drill, lunch, homework, prayer, and playtime. We learn together every moment of the day, instilling values that I wish my child to grow up with.

If my kids stay over at granny’s place and return I feel as if I missed a chapter in their lives because the bonding we encounter on a daily basis.

In Islam for a woman ‘what is hers is hers and what is her husbands is hers as well. This simply means she need not contribute to the household essentials as the husband should be the breadwinner.
 When we exercise this right then we have the choice to be stay at home moms without having to suffer the financial burden.

I feel fortunate that with my husband’s help I was able to find the perfect balance for me and my family.  I do understand that this is not always possible and many women do not have the choices I had due to economic and other circumstances.

I believe that finding a way to spend quality time with your kids is a priority, especially during the tender ages. It is trying a lot of the times but the reward and satisfaction is invaluable.

by Michele Mistry,

I am a mum.  Humbly, I request to not be labelled a ‘stay home mum’ or a ‘working mum’. Too often we create labels that pen us in. We then find ourselves attempting to escape or live up to that label. It is soul defeating.

Dear mums,

We are all at different places on our journey, knowing this, sometimes the view from a different perspective can change the entire dynamic of everyone’s trip. I’d like to share mine with you.

My husband and I decided that one of us would stay home with our children until age 5.  This was based on sage advice from our Guru (spiritual guide). We had only a vague awareness of its impact.

I struggled with this decision at first. It seemed a lot to ‘give up’. I felt like my life was disrupted and I was continuously waiting to get back to it. But now I see the true value in being home with my kids, for them and me.

This decision has a high cost if measured in western standards. Two come to mind:

There is no greater spiritual opportunity then becoming a parent. Children put a spotlight on everything you need to change personally to grow. Perhaps this difficulty is what used to prompt me to return to my career.

My culture is historically a maternal one, wherein children were given priority. They were often termed little ‘gods’. Mothers were dearly respected, for the Love in all its forms, needed to raise children well. We are ‘The hands that rock the cradle and rule the world’.

Unfortunately these values are diluted by more material ones and mums suffer as a result. The value of earning an income is given greater value then raising our own young. Hence our inner conflict.

5 Years after our decision, there is increasing scientific evidence supporting it. Research into different negative social phenomenon point to 3 root causes:

We can once again become a whipping pole and add to each other’s guilt, or we can acknowledge our role in children’s lives, our own children and the broader community’s. Let’s take responsibility for what we can, when we can.

Much love

Michele Mistry

by Tiffany Markman, who is mom to a delicious one-year-old, a book reviewer and a freelance copywriter, editor and writing trainer who tries to balance her workaholic tendencies with addictions to smooching her toddler, salacious non-fiction, caffeine, her iPhone and more. Follow Tiffany’s tongue-in-cheekery on twitter.

There’s a lot of contention in the mommy community. Breast-feeders vs bottle-feeders. C-sectioners vs natural-birthers. But perhaps the biggest chasm, and the one we tend to get tense about, is: working mommies vs stay-at-home mommies.

This is a letter to a stay-at-home mom, from me, a working mom. And I’m going to say something that isn’t said often enough – certainly not in public:

Dear Home Mommy,

I couldn’t do what you do.

You have my respect. I know people say, tritely, that motherhood is the hardest job of all. Blah blah. It’s always people who a) don’t have kids and are trying to make you feel better about the Jungle Oats on your sunglasses or b) were parents so long ago that their sanctimony isn’t helpful. I’m neither of those. I’m a mommy who loves her kid to distraction – and values our precious two hours together morning and evening during the week – but I still couldn’t be an 8am-5pm largely-solo mommy.

Because:

1. Motherhood can be BORING

The repetitiveness of it. Wake, change, feed, dress, change, feed, nap, change, feed, nap, change, feed, bath, sleep. Yes, there’s playing, cuddling, fun and activities in between, but yikes. It’s the same every day. Even on Sundays. At work, I do different stuff every day. Different people irritate me. And on weekends, there’s a different, kiddie-led routine. The only constant is the coffee.

2. Motherhood can be LONELY

I have a friend who spends all day with her daughter. The little girl is clever, pretty and full of personality. But she’s ONE. There are limits to the conversations you can have with a one-year-old. Especially when you need advice. Or change for parking. Or someone to take a flipping message. At work, I talk to (mostly) interesting and intelligent grown-ups. Yes, there’s social media for support if you’re at home, but at work you don’t even have to try.

3. Motherhood is NON-STOP

The relentlessness of it. There are no breaks. Nap-time doesn’t count. (Because that’s when you wee. Answer emails. Brush your teeth.) At work, even when I’m heading for a deadline and you can’t see my pretty nail-polish for the blur, I’ll stop every few hours for a snack, a coffee, a chat, or a trawl through Pinterest. When I feel like it.

4. Motherhood is MISUNDERSTOOD

South African stay-at-home moms have (at least some) help. It’s not like Europe or the States – I don’t know how those brave souls have any kids at all – so you’re seldom obliged to become passionately intimate with the vacuum cleaner.

But that doesn’t make full-time mothering less demanding, especially when people treat you like you’re constantly ‘on holiday’/‘free all day’, like you’re too stupid or lazy to work, or like your husband’s so obscenely wealthy that you don’t have to.

Bottom line? I work because I love it, because very few families can live comfortably on one salary these days, and because I simply don’t have what it takes to be a stay-at-home mom. In that order. My hat’s off to you.

Love,

Working Mommy

P.S. This letter requires a Part II. Look out for the next installment: a letter of congratulation from me, a work-from-home mommy, to a corporate mommy.

If you haven’t discovered it yet, Jozikids.co.za is the most up to date and detailed resource for parents in the Gauteng region to find what you need including events, activities, venues, parties and lessons. You’ll also find us on your cell phone.

MORE MOTHER’S DAY OUTINGS

Yeesh! Woodmead, May 8-13, 9am – 5pm. R50 per hr. Supermoms will receive a free cappuccino, coffee or tea. May 13: Supermoms come and claim your free gift from Yeesh on Sunday Wonderful sponsors such as SA Photo Mugs, Estee Lauder and more

Zwartkops Quad Centre, Centurion, 10am-5pm, laps R12 each. All mothers who visit our quad centre on Mothers Day, will receive a free ride round our 400m track. Training, hair nets and helmets included. Come on Mom!! show the kids that you can!

WALK

Fun Run/Walk -  at Pretoria Zoo , May 19, Gates open 6am, walk starts 6.30am Take part in the Friends of the Zoo Fun Run/Walk. It is a 5km circuit around the tranquil setting of the Zoo. The Fun Run/Walk is held every third Saturday of the month. No Bookings or registration is necessary

PARENTING WORKSHOPS

The Baby Expo MamaMagic, Northgate, May 17-20, 9-6pm daily. Once again MamaMagic™, The Baby Expo® is coming to Joburg from the 17-20 May 2012 and it’s going to be bigger and better than ever! It is the ideal opportunity to gain knowledge about pregnancy, being a parent and embracing the latest products under one roof.  Your kids can also enjoy shows by Barney and Mister Maker – from CBeebies- a real-life character who finds bright ideas for art from everything around him.

Beyond the Nappy Bag, The Bright Ideas Outfit, Douglasdale, May 22 for parents of 2-5yr olds. Parents are encouraged to put their own stamp on their child’s play experiences by using their imagination, adding love letters, breaking the rules and combining games in order to create more games! Come prepared to play.

Beyond the Dress, Work-Life Balance, Regency Hyatt Hotel, Rosebank, May 20, 9.30-1pm. With all the stresses and challenges of everyday life, how does today’s modern woman ensure a balanced life complete with good health,meaningful relationships, a fulfilling career, multiple roles and still make time for herself? Find out at the next Beyond the Dress event.

Dealing with Divorce, Psychmatters, Bedfordview, May 16, 9-11am. Are you committed to empowering yourself and your child to master this life-changing event? Tell your child about your divorce in the most effective way; experiences of divorce; Assist you to identify & address potential problems early; View divorce in a new light; best communicate & deal with the effect the divorce will have on your child; Gain some tips for Divorcing Parents

Kerry Haggard is the mom of the two most beautiful boys that ever there were. She is also the blessed daughter of the most awesome mom that ever there was. Follow her on Twitter: @KerryHaggard

One of my favourite blogs is written by Lisa-Jo, a South African who lives in Washington in the US. She is of the firm opinion that every mom needs a cheerleader, and she’s just published “The Cheerleader for Tired Moms,” an ebook collection of some of her favourite blog posts.

For Mother’s Day this year, I’d like to suggest that we take up Lisa-Jo’s challenge, and become cheerleaders for one another.

Being a mom is tougher than any professional sport out there. We’ve got to be the coaches who teach and encourage our offspring at every turn, motivating them to do their best, to try harder, to practice more, to go the extra mile.

Then, when they don’t perhaps achieve the goals they’ve set for themselves, it’s our task to provide guidance and sage advice, helping them to deal with disappointment.

We’re the taxi drivers, the food providers, the wardrobe custodians, the homework supervisors and the peacekeepers between siblings. We eachknow just how much goes into a day of raising a child, and with the greatest of respect to professional sportsmen – they get to leave the training field and go home at the end of the day. Being a mom is a 24/7 job, and a lot of the time, we feel like we’re still in training anyway – do you know a mom who is completely comfortable that her parenting skills are perfect?

Just like in sport, there are armchair critics of the work we moms do. And, I’m sad to say, some of the cruelest critics are other moms. In fact, I think it’s an official sport in some school parking lots, and should be banned right up there with pitbull fighting and knife fights – it does as much damage.

So here’s what I’d like to challenge you to do this Mother’s Day: Don’t criticize the moms around you. None of us is perfect, but we’re all working really hard to do the best that we possibly can for our children. Ring up a mom you know and admire – it could be your own mom, your mother in law, or a friend, and tell them what a fantastic job they’re doing or have done with their child or children. Be specific in the compliment you give them, and mean what you say. Maybe point out a parenting lesson that you have learned from them, or how you’ve been inspired by something that they have done. I’m very sure that your words will last longer than any flowers or chocolate – and you’ll have made the kind of personal contact that rebuilds friendships in our age of social media fatigue.

Happy Mother’s Day!

by Tanya Kovarsky, mom to Max , addicted to blogging, Apple products, long-distance running and Converse shoes. Freelance writer, with 11yrs experience who does editing, writing and training. Read her blog

Mother guilt is as synonymous with parenting as poo nappies, toddler tantrums and sleepless nights. And if I had a dollar for every time I heard moms lamenting their mommy guilt, felt it myself, or read blogs and tweets about it, well, I’d be able to quit work. And thus alleviate my own mommy guilt!

But it being Mother’s Day coming up, and the fact that we’re often hard on ourselves as moms, I thought I would outrule stuff that we probably shouldn’t be feeling guilty about.

Wishing you a wonderful and hopefully guiltless Mother’s Day!

by Lindsay Grubb -when she’s not mixing elixirs out of Aromat, salt, soil, water for imaginary baby birds with her daughter, Lindsay’s writing copy for her corporate clients or articles for magazines. Follow her on Twitter

Just over a year ago I wrote about the challenges facing working moms for the Jozikids’ blog. I’ve been working for myself for nearly three years now and at the same time raising a fabulous, precocious four year old daughter and I’ve learned a lot about managing some of the challenges.

A better way of working

I spent the first year and a half working incredibly hard, mostly to prove to myself and others that I could still be a positive driving force in business and at the same time be a great mom and wife. While I didn’t miss a deadline in that time, I put myself and my family through a lot of stress and frustration. I knew there had to be a better way to handle work and my family life.

Over the past year I’ve learned a lot in the pursuit of happiness and balance, particularly;

My house isn’t always spotless, but my stress levels and those of my family are down. I found my sense of humour again and I’m producing an even better quality of work. Win-win all round.

Copyright © Lindsay Grubb 2012