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Who rules the roost?
By Dallace Jolly, single mom to 2 sons with characters of epic proportions. Her children and work are a source of endless amusement and inspiration. She’s also a freelance writer and editor of Bluff Digital Magazine and CitiGaming.
I was summoned to an emergency meeting by my two sons to discuss our household rules. This was a highly informative and interesting meeting. So much so, that I feel compelled to share the minutes of said meeting.
Minutes of Emergency Children’s Rights Meeting
Called & Jointly Chaired by: Masters Eli (aged 9) and Caleb (aged 6)
Attendees: Eli Jolly, Caleb Jolly (hereafter referred to as Child/ren), Dallace Jolly (hereafter referred to as Mother/Parent)
Agenda: All aspects of Children’s Rights and none of those of the Parent
After lengthy commentary from the co-chairs tenuously disguised as ‘discussions,’ the following conclusions were arrived at (after a one-attendee, one-vote process):
• MacDonald’s, Spur , Mimmo’s, Wimpy and KFC DO in fact serve food which is MSG-free and contains ingredients from all major food groups; in particular vegetables (burgers have both tomato and lettuce on them) and dairy (pizza features cheese which is a dairy product, not forgetting soda floats have ice cream which is a dairy product too).
• Meal times shall now be determined on a need-to-eat basis. Any existing set meal times no longer apply. In addition the location of said meals will now be determined by game-in-play at time of said need-to-eat occurring.
• The Children’s current no-sweets-or-fizzy-drinks-during-the-week rule, shall now also apply to cigarettes and wine for Mothers.
• Brushing teeth is only necessary if an event of major importance is taking place (such as visiting Nelson Mandela or Disney World) or if rewards of the sugary variety are offered. Contrary to popular belief (and dental research), sweets do not rot teeth, they do in fact give teeth energy. This scientific fact is based on the premise that sugar gives you energy and not a sugar rush.
• Home decor/entertainment shall now predominantly comprise:
1. Toys (these must be evenly distributed throughout each room in the home and are under no circumstances to be packed away. Ever.)
2. DVDs (to be played at all hours of the day/night at maximum possible volume, whether they are being watched or not. This is to provide pleasant background noise which encourages free play.)
3. Play dough (mandatory for all floor coverings particularly those with a thick pile.)
4. Artworks will now be hand-drawn directly onto walls/upholstery in the mixed mediums of permanent marker and wax crayon.
• Henceforth when Children enquire as to why they are being asked to perform a task, responses from Mother may no longer include: “Because I am your Mother and I said so!” or “In my house you will follow my rules!” or “Because you made the mess!” The only permissible response is now “Don’t worry darling, Mommy will do it for you.”
In conclusion, it has been determined that should Mother not be in agreement with Children’s ‘suggestions’ as laid out above, then alternative accommodation must be sought by offending Mother.
BUT…
Although Mother fully recognises Children’s Rights and endeavours to give them a platform from which to voice their valid opinions, Mother is indeed MOTHER. So, Children will do what they are told and like it.
Why? Because I am their Mother and I said SO! And because they gave me stretch marks!
The meeting was adjourned by Mother and attempted coup was averted.
Seeing red, and how to deal with it.
by Kerry Haggard is mom to the two most beautiful boys that ever there were. She’s a writer, editor and a wannabe organic vegetable farmer. She’s also a redhead, and recently realised that she has the temper to go with that. Follow her on Twitter: @KerryHaggard
This morning was an early one – up at 5h00, with both boys wanting different things, from Easter eggs to Cbeebies. I’m comfortable with the TV as my (very happy) helper at that time of the morning, and with boys settled in front of Mr Maker, I snuck off to check mail on my computer in the next room.
And that’s where things started going pear-shaped. Both boys came through, both wanting to sit on the one spare seat, and then Daniel (the older one) wanted to watch YouTube (which he can surf by himself), a Thomas the Tank Engine video, and then he asked for his own computer games (which are not set up at the moment) – all in the space of about 30 seconds. He responded to my ‘no, not now’ answers to all of those by stomping his feet, shouting at me and throwing a basketful of Lego in all directions. Not a normal reaction for this mostly peaceful boy – but a reaction that made me see red, and lose the 5h30 plot a little.
I smacked his pyjama’d bottom, told him that he is not allowed to throw things at me, and told him to go to his room. When he sat there apologising in tears, I thought of all those experts that tell us to be consistent and mean what we say, and I insisted that he go to his room, eventually resorting to carrying him there to prove my point.
And then I stopped and thought about it (which I probably should have done before the part where I saw red). This whole scene started because both
my little boys wanted to be with me, and Daniel particularly wanted my attention. When he didn’t get it in the way that he was hoping for, he got frustrated, and angry. Which made me angry. But why am I allowed to get angry, and he is not? If he is allowed to get angry (which I believe he is), just how do I teach him how to express that anger? And how do I control my own emotions when I am frustrated (at being up at the crack of dawn) myself, and just want a little bit of space?
I know I am the adult in this, and I know it is my job to teach him how to deal with his feelings in a constructive way.
But I don’t think I did a very good job of teaching him, or setting a good example, this morning. How do other parents deal with their little ones’ frustration?
*A note: This is only the third time in his nearly five years that I have smacked Daniel on his bottom. I believe that there is a time and a place for a smack on the bottom, but never with anything other than my hand, and more for effect than injury. I don’t think that his actions this morning deserved my response, which is why I’m disturbed by it, and would love to how other parents deal with this type of situation.
Separation anxiety
by Gina Jacobson, a mom, a leo. She works for a non-profit organisation, is a procrastinator, loves sci-fi, sushi, good books and scrabble.Her blog is made up of A Bit of This a Bit of That.
Aaron is a pretty well adjusted 2 year old. He moved from his cot to a big boy bed without a hitch. He started school with very few tantrums or clingy moments.
What he is not adjusting well to is the fact that daddy has moved out of the home office and into a new office. He is teary and clingy, he makes me call daddy each morning so he can speak to him and then sobs and begs daddy to come home.
He is suddenly very clingy with me, he cries and wails when I leave him at school in the morning, which he really wasn’t doing that often before and he gets very upset when I leave to go back to work after lunch.
He has also been sick the last few weeks and Im sure that he is still feeling out of sorts from that as well.
It just breaks my heart to see him sob when daddy goes off to work and when I go back to work after lunch.
What has your experience been with separation anxiety and with anxiety caused by big changes in your little ones life? Do you have any tips to help us ease through this transition?
Creation of culture through parenting
by Je’anna Clements, a mother, and certified Aware Parenting 
Instructor. She helps organise ‘aware parenting‘ support groups, events for pre-schooled and homeschooled kids in Gauteng plus a new ‘Kid’s Fun Market’ in Observatory, Johannesburg. She can be contacted on squeakyg@pixelplexus.co.za
For many parents ‘normal’ seems like something real rather than just a relative mental construction. Sometimes so real it’s not even labelled ‘normal’, but simply ‘life’, or even ‘reality’.
Living in South Africa one has the privilege of seeing a different culture to one’s own, and get the gift of realisation: “oh. They do things differently.” Sadly the next thought is often something like “Time we get everyone modern, learn what’s normal, what’s real.”
Quite apart from my luck in being South African, I grew up with an anthropologist. I learned early on that there are countless cultures out there and that each and every ‘weird’ one considers its ways to be ‘normal’, ‘life’, ‘reality’.
I remember reading about some ‘tribe’ that strapped the soft moldable heads of their newborn babies between two wooden planks so the bones would grow into a conehead shape. For them, this was normal. It’s what you did when a baby was born.
This would be weird, maybe even prosecutable if I did it here and now. Instead, in my culture it seems ‘normal’ for newborns to be put in an incubator.
Just as the very first things that happen to babies are prescribed by culture, so is every other parenting practice thereafter – from where and when it is ‘normal’ for kids to sleep, to how they are disciplined, educated, fed.
We might have slightly individual preferences about our chosen parenting practices – our neighbour spanks, we use time out – but how often do we stop to consider that each and every thing we do with our kids is creating not only a personal relationship but also a cultural orientation? That the state and shape of the world we live in right now, is the way it is, as a direct result of past parenting practices?
The above-mentioned ‘tribe’ happened to be intensely warlike, regularly terrorising and invading the neighbours. But I doubt many new moms consciously thought “well these big planks completely stop me picking up or initially even feeding my baby, which will make him so lonely and confused and angry that the perfect foundation will be laid for the cruel violence our culture will require of him as an adult.”
Just as we today seldom stop to wonder what it means for children to spend the most impressionable bonding hours ever, experiencing busy machines and schedules and ‘things’ rather than being quietly close with people who love them.
(Hmm. Just for starters, off the top of my head, maybe a culture where new moms are told it is ‘normal’ to override any yearning for intimacy and quiet being-with that sweet, soft babeling; to go back to the schedules and machines asap, in order to acquire more things?)
And, of course, as with the head-strappers, that’s just the beginning…
Who’s raising your children?
by Zelna Lauwrens, founder of Equal Zeal Training, an organisation that specialises in self development programmes for young people and their families. For more information visit Equal Zeal .
Your child is born amidst teddies, new clothes, bouquets of flowers and many visits from excited family and friends…when the hustle and bustle dies down and your happy family returns home from hospital, you are left hoping, praying, and wishing that this child will be an easy one. That your child will cruise through the journey of life without a hitch or a problem. That your child will be different from all the ones that you hear about in the media that make bad choices or are exposed to negative circumstances. That your child will be the one where homework is always done, suitable friends are chosen, manners are good and model behaviour is displayed.
As baby grows steadily and the developmental stages are ticked off one by one, you shower the little soul with so much love and affection that there is no doubt that they will grow up into anything other than your special and gifted child with so much good to offer the world. Then school starts, and so the uphill battle of homework, bullying, pressures of tests, strict teachers and reduced playtime steps in. Your once precious little soul that adored being with mommy and daddy and loved hugs, kisses and piggy back rides now pulls a face at the thought of mom dropping them off at the classroom door. Fights and arguments are reduced to having the latest gadgets and toys and which clothing labels are the best to wear alongside why fast food is way better than vegetables.
Before you know it, your once adorable 6-year old with two front teeth missing turns into a revolting teenager adorned in black clothing and enough piercings to resemble a Christmas tree. Your beautiful daughter insists on wearing skimpy, provocative clothing that relays the message that she is no longer a child. The cheekiness and sullen behaviour steps in and nothing you do is good enough and so the endless cycle of habitual arguing in the household begins.
So what are we debating here? Are the swift changes in technology to blame for a value shift and decline in positive behaviour in our children, or is it the lack of distinct traditional parenting, perhaps we need to look to the media to find a scape goat, or is it the overwhelming toxic influence of alchohol, sex and drugs that are impacting on our children’s precious lives along with not enough exercise, poor diet, role models in the form of singers and scandalous movie stars and crime statistics on the upswing?
We can point fingers, we can allocate blame, we can raise our hands in the air in frustration, but as parents we need to realise that it is reasonable to assume that a generation shaped by this new fast paced world of ours will be different from those who have gone before it.
Albert Einstein said that “Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means.” Let us acknowledge that times are changing and that we need to move with the times rather than stay stuck in the rigid confines of parenting with blinkers on that can sometimes exacerbate problems in our children.
Every parent is in marketing (even if they don’t realise it)
Nikki Bush, a self-confessed parenting adventurer. Married with two strapping sons aged 14 and 10. Nikki’s clients call her a creative parenting expert. She is an inspirational speaker and author of bestselling parenting book, Future-proof Your Child (Penguin, 2008).
Have you ever realised that you are always trying to market to, or sell your child/ren something – an idea, a value, a point of view, an action to be taken etc:
With this generation, authority does work (sometimes), particularly in the early years when “because I am your parent and I said so” still has some magical power to it, or if you have actively positioned yourself as a hero in your child’s life story. But, as children get older there is a tendency for them to either think or, even worse, verbalise “Says Who?” or “Who cares anyway?”. Living in a reward-based culture as we do, where it’s so commonplace for us to be rewarded for swiping our credit cards, being loyal to the same airline, store or restaurant, visiting the gym etc, our children could be forgiven for thinking: “If they want me to do this, what’s in it for me, what do I get?”
This is a very real challenge for 21st century parents. Of course the desired end result after years of parenting is for our children to be self-motivated rather than relying on some form of external bribe etc. But, from time-to-time, it may be necessary to utilise various “marketing tactics” to get the message across to your child in a fun and playful way, or to get their buy-in until it becomes an adopted habit, value, thought or behaviour pattern.
Star charts, treats, promises and bribes are all in a parent’s marketing arsenal – to be used wisely, of course. And do watch what the marketers are doing – you could pick up an idea or two to add to your toolkit. Try these “promotions” for size, my kids loved them:
Stress and children: seeing red
by Paul Jacobson , dad, husband, lawyer, geek, blogger, evangelist, maven. He blogs at Paul Jacobson and Web. Tech. Law
I have become acutely aware of how my stress impairs my ability to relate to my family and to our son, in particular, in a constructive or even meaningful way. My law firm has seen a number of changes over the years since I founded it. One thing that hasn’t really changed all that much is the amount of stress I am under almost all the time, particularly about financial matters.
It is usually around month-end and the beginning of the next month (“that time of month” for me) that I notice my patience wearing really thin in general and my personality shifts to the Dark Side (with a side order or Super Grouch). Despite my hope that I can keep the stress to myself and deal with it in some way (still looking for that magic wand to turn the stress into euphoria and bliss …), it leaks out and taints everything and everyone near me. I get angrier quicker and lose my temper when pushed. In short, I behave terribly and a big part of my anxiety is watching how my stress affects Aaron, in real-time. Sure he has his moments (he had a doozie this morning) but he is still a child. I mentioned before that I have started to see him begin to withdraw a little and me getting angry doesn’t help at all. Then, after the anger has passed and the tears are drying as he sits on my lap apologising to me, the guilt and depression sink in. My worldview just shifts from red to deep blue and that isn’t much fun either.
I think what I am slowly getting to is this: we all get stressed out and we take it out on people around us in varying degrees. Although it often makes me feel worse, becoming more aware of the causes of my stress and the reasons why I am such an ass at certain times of the month is essential to dealing with the stress a little better. At the very least I am slowly getting better at recognising that it isn’t our son’s tantrum that sparked my anger but something wholly outside his control or even his little universe. It isn’t his fault that a client is 10 days late on a big fee and all my debit orders have bounced. He’s upset because he had a bad dream or because we can’t rewind Peppa Pig for him.
We all know we shouldn’t take our stress out on other people but are we all as aware of the causes of our stress as we could be? Perhaps if we were more aware of those causes we’d recognise the triggers sooner and behave a little better next time our children start pressing buttons.
Hitting the ground running
Robyn Cameron, entrepreneur, firedancer, self employed domestic worker, chef at home. Passionate about education, philosophy, music, nature, animals, crafts & South Africa. General manager and shareholder at Hire Education. You’ll also find her on twitter.
If you are in the same boat as me, 2010 has kicked off to such a rapid start I think I might have missed it altogether! Generally I come to the end of January and feel like I should have done more, but this year I’m feeling that if January was this crazy, look out for the next 11 months ahead!
I once read a quote which seems appropriate:
“Don’t worry about tomorrow. After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Easier said than done? Right?
Maybe not. What I’ve learnt is that multi-tasking isn’t always best as we tend to divulge our focus. This leads us to complete a few things at once, but in double the amount of time and of a lesser quality, had we been concentrating on one thing at a time. Ever tried helping the kids with homework whilst trying to cook dinner? The outcome – homework that looks like a dogs breakfast or possibly dinner that doesn’t look much better!
So, for this year, my aim is to take things one at a time and worry less about what I’m not doing so that I can focus on what I am doing.
My first attempt at living in the present will be to compartmentalise (yes that is actually a word) my time. Oh wait, I think that me googling compartmentalise whilst writing this post still counts as multitasking? Anyway, most of you will have so many tasks to accomplish in one day that just trying to figure out what to do next will leave your head spinning. Whilst you are at work you might be thinking – I have to fetch the kids from school, then go to the shops – what do I need from the shops? Which leads to – what will I do for dinner? And then, before you know it, you have not progressed at all on the task at hand.
So, when you decide to do something, keep bringing yourself in check when your mind wanders. Even if it means turning off the phone, closing your email and anything else open on your computer. Allocate time to tasks – even set a timer on your phone! When that timer goes off stop whatever you are doing and move onto the next thing.
At first it may feel like you are leaving things open ended, but as time goes by you will get into a routine that works for you and start seeing the benefits of dedicating your focus on one thing instead of many. Once you train your mind to concentrate on the task at hand, you will soon start to have less panic running around in your brain about all the other things you need to do, which will lead to less stress about things you can’t change at that point in time.
What are your ways of coping in with this demanding, high paced society, where it’s now or never that seems to be ruling our waking hours?
Child management 101
by Paul Jacobson. Dad. Husband. Lawyer. Geek. Blogger. Evangelist. Maven. He blogs at Paul Jacobson and Web. Tech. Law
Wouldn’t it be awesome if there was a manual that actually worked? The older our little one gets the more I realise that I am grasping in the dark for a way to persuade him to do some of the things I want him to do (bathing, eating a meal, lying still so I can change a full nappy/diaper, that sort of thing).
What I have learned is that he is stubborn, determined and doesn’t respond well to me getting angry. On that note, me getting angry with him just shows who the real child is and it isn’t our 2 year old!
I keep thinking there must be a way to communicate better with him and persuade him to do some of the things we want him to do. A previous girlfriend is a teacher and she often told me that kids crave structure, whether they know it or not, and they tend to thrive when they have a constructive structure to work with (ok, I read in the last bit). I just don’t know how to do that, do you?
I’m starting to see negative effects of me getting angry with him when he doesn’t listen to me. It seems like he gets a little more withdrawn and that really worries me a lot. He wants to be picked up a lot and that suggests insecurity to me. That also bothers me, a lot!
So what works? What lessons have other parents learned? If anything, I am starting to see that my own anger is just an expression of my frustration with a number of factors in my life and that really isn’t fair on our son. There must be a better way.
