motherhood

articles

• How I balance work and home
• It’s the hand that rocks the cradle that rules the world.
• Why I don’t envy stay-at-home moms
• Every mom needs a cheerleader
• 20 things NOT to feel mom guilt about
• The world of working mothers
• Mother’s Day events & parenting workshops
• Mothers without fathers, a single mom’s story.
• Strong mothers, strong sons
• Cybermoms thrive
• The love of a mother
• 5 ways to let go this Mother’s Day
• A mother’s instinct is never wrong
• Working mum – the ‘decision’ and the guilt
• Finding fulfillment as a stay-at-home mom
• The challenges facing working moms
• Words to my daughter
• Have I been a good mother?
• What they don’t teach you at antenatal classes
• Shelve the guilt and ignore the doubt
• Someone to call me mommy
• With love to my Xhosa African Queen Mother
• Mrs Johnson’s daughter
• Being a mom is not about being a martyr
• Mother’s Day, it’s not all chocolates and teddy bears!
• Taking credit for being a supermom

by Nazmeera Moonda, mom to 4 beautiful children, Arabic teacher, loves travelling and cooking, endlessly curious about the world and invaluable Jozikids staff member.

I was able to spend quality time with my children for the first 5 years of their lives. I only worked a few hours twice a week allowing me the independence and experience of the workforce.  Simultaneously I was able to spend quality time with my kids on the days I didnt work.

Being at home was very fulfilling making sure that my kids had eaten well, and enjoyed their playtime. There is nothing to compare with the joy of feeling their tiny heads falling asleep on my shoulder, the butterfly kisses that they showered me with and the confidence with which they talked to me. These moments cannot be reinvented because they need you the most at these tender ages before starting school.

Now that my kids are all in school, I work half day. They run to the car each day excited to see me and eager to tell me the days happenings. They know the drill, lunch, homework, prayer, and playtime. We learn together every moment of the day, instilling values that I wish my child to grow up with.

If my kids stay over at granny’s place and return I feel as if I missed a chapter in their lives because the bonding we encounter on a daily basis.

In Islam for a woman ‘what is hers is hers and what is her husbands is hers as well. This simply means she need not contribute to the household essentials as the husband should be the breadwinner.
 When we exercise this right then we have the choice to be stay at home moms without having to suffer the financial burden.

I feel fortunate that with my husband’s help I was able to find the perfect balance for me and my family.  I do understand that this is not always possible and many women do not have the choices I had due to economic and other circumstances.

I believe that finding a way to spend quality time with your kids is a priority, especially during the tender ages. It is trying a lot of the times but the reward and satisfaction is invaluable.

by Michele Mistry, mother of 3 children aged 5,4 and 2; a Communications & Marketing specialist, fashion designer, runs Chrysalis Kindergarten and Homeschool, Glenvista Jhb

I am a mum.  Humbly, I request to not be labelled a ‘stay home mum’ or a ‘working mum’. Too often we create labels that pen us in. We then find ourselves attempting to escape or live up to that label. It is soul defeating.

Dear mums,

We are all at different places on our journey, knowing this, sometimes the view from a different perspective can change the entire dynamic of everyone’s trip. I’d like to share mine with you.

My husband and I decided that one of us would stay home with our children until age 5.  This was based on sage advice from our Guru (spiritual guide). We had only a vague awareness of its impact.

I struggled with this decision at first. It seemed a lot to ‘give up’. I felt like my life was disrupted and I was continuously waiting to get back to it. But now I see the true value in being home with my kids, for them and me.

This decision has a high cost if measured in western standards. Two come to mind:

There is no greater spiritual opportunity then becoming a parent. Children put a spotlight on everything you need to change personally to grow. Perhaps this difficulty is what used to prompt me to return to my career.

My culture is historically a maternal one, wherein children were given priority. They were often termed little ‘gods’. Mothers were dearly respected, for the Love in all its forms, needed to raise children well. We are ‘The hands that rock the cradle and rule the world’.

Unfortunately these values are diluted by more material ones and mums suffer as a result. The value of earning an income is given greater value then raising our own young. Hence our inner conflict.

5 Years after our decision, there is increasing scientific evidence supporting it. Research into different negative social phenomenon point to 3 root causes:

We can once again become a whipping pole and add to each other’s guilt, or we can acknowledge our role in children’s lives, our own children and the broader community’s. Let’s take responsibility for what we can, when we can.

Much love

Michele Mistry

by Tiffany Markman, who is mom to a delicious one-year-old, a book reviewer and a freelance copywriter, editor and writing trainer who tries to balance her workaholic tendencies with addictions to smooching her toddler, salacious non-fiction, caffeine, her iPhone and more. Follow Tiffany’s tongue-in-cheekery on twitter.

There’s a lot of contention in the mommy community. Breast-feeders vs bottle-feeders. C-sectioners vs natural-birthers. But perhaps the biggest chasm, and the one we tend to get tense about, is: working mommies vs stay-at-home mommies.

This is a letter to a stay-at-home mom, from me, a working mom. And I’m going to say something that isn’t said often enough – certainly not in public:

Dear Home Mommy,

I couldn’t do what you do.

You have my respect. I know people say, tritely, that motherhood is the hardest job of all. Blah blah. It’s always people who a) don’t have kids and are trying to make you feel better about the Jungle Oats on your sunglasses or b) were parents so long ago that their sanctimony isn’t helpful. I’m neither of those. I’m a mommy who loves her kid to distraction – and values our precious two hours together morning and evening during the week – but I still couldn’t be an 8am-5pm largely-solo mommy.

Because:

1. Motherhood can be BORING

The repetitiveness of it. Wake, change, feed, dress, change, feed, nap, change, feed, nap, change, feed, bath, sleep. Yes, there’s playing, cuddling, fun and activities in between, but yikes. It’s the same every day. Even on Sundays. At work, I do different stuff every day. Different people irritate me. And on weekends, there’s a different, kiddie-led routine. The only constant is the coffee.

2. Motherhood can be LONELY

I have a friend who spends all day with her daughter. The little girl is clever, pretty and full of personality. But she’s ONE. There are limits to the conversations you can have with a one-year-old. Especially when you need advice. Or change for parking. Or someone to take a flipping message. At work, I talk to (mostly) interesting and intelligent grown-ups. Yes, there’s social media for support if you’re at home, but at work you don’t even have to try.

3. Motherhood is NON-STOP

The relentlessness of it. There are no breaks. Nap-time doesn’t count. (Because that’s when you wee. Answer emails. Brush your teeth.) At work, even when I’m heading for a deadline and you can’t see my pretty nail-polish for the blur, I’ll stop every few hours for a snack, a coffee, a chat, or a trawl through Pinterest. When I feel like it.

4. Motherhood is MISUNDERSTOOD

South African stay-at-home moms have (at least some) help. It’s not like Europe or the States – I don’t know how those brave souls have any kids at all – so you’re seldom obliged to become passionately intimate with the vacuum cleaner.

But that doesn’t make full-time mothering less demanding, especially when people treat you like you’re constantly ‘on holiday’/‘free all day’, like you’re too stupid or lazy to work, or like your husband’s so obscenely wealthy that you don’t have to.

Bottom line? I work because I love it, because very few families can live comfortably on one salary these days, and because I simply don’t have what it takes to be a stay-at-home mom. In that order. My hat’s off to you.

Love,

Working Mommy

P.S. This letter requires a Part II. Look out for the next installment: a letter of congratulation from me, a work-from-home mommy, to a corporate mommy.

Kerry Haggard is the mom of the two most beautiful boys that ever there were. She is also the blessed daughter of the most awesome mom that ever there was. Follow her on Twitter: @KerryHaggard

One of my favourite blogs is written by Lisa-Jo, a South African who lives in Washington in the US. She is of the firm opinion that every mom needs a cheerleader, and she’s just published “The Cheerleader for Tired Moms,” an ebook collection of some of her favourite blog posts.

For Mother’s Day this year, I’d like to suggest that we take up Lisa-Jo’s challenge, and become cheerleaders for one another.

Being a mom is tougher than any professional sport out there. We’ve got to be the coaches who teach and encourage our offspring at every turn, motivating them to do their best, to try harder, to practice more, to go the extra mile.

Then, when they don’t perhaps achieve the goals they’ve set for themselves, it’s our task to provide guidance and sage advice, helping them to deal with disappointment.

We’re the taxi drivers, the food providers, the wardrobe custodians, the homework supervisors and the peacekeepers between siblings. We eachknow just how much goes into a day of raising a child, and with the greatest of respect to professional sportsmen – they get to leave the training field and go home at the end of the day. Being a mom is a 24/7 job, and a lot of the time, we feel like we’re still in training anyway – do you know a mom who is completely comfortable that her parenting skills are perfect?

Just like in sport, there are armchair critics of the work we moms do. And, I’m sad to say, some of the cruelest critics are other moms. In fact, I think it’s an official sport in some school parking lots, and should be banned right up there with pitbull fighting and knife fights – it does as much damage.

So here’s what I’d like to challenge you to do this Mother’s Day: Don’t criticize the moms around you. None of us is perfect, but we’re all working really hard to do the best that we possibly can for our children. Ring up a mom you know and admire – it could be your own mom, your mother in law, or a friend, and tell them what a fantastic job they’re doing or have done with their child or children. Be specific in the compliment you give them, and mean what you say. Maybe point out a parenting lesson that you have learned from them, or how you’ve been inspired by something that they have done. I’m very sure that your words will last longer than any flowers or chocolate – and you’ll have made the kind of personal contact that rebuilds friendships in our age of social media fatigue.

Happy Mother’s Day!

by Tanya Kovarsky, mom to Max , addicted to blogging, Apple products, long-distance running and Converse shoes. Freelance writer, with 11yrs experience who does editing, writing and training. Read her blog

Mother guilt is as synonymous with parenting as poo nappies, toddler tantrums and sleepless nights. And if I had a dollar for every time I heard moms lamenting their mommy guilt, felt it myself, or read blogs and tweets about it, well, I’d be able to quit work. And thus alleviate my own mommy guilt!

But it being Mother’s Day coming up, and the fact that we’re often hard on ourselves as moms, I thought I would outrule stuff that we probably shouldn’t be feeling guilty about.

Wishing you a wonderful and hopefully guiltless Mother’s Day!

by Lindsay Grubb -when she’s not mixing elixirs out of Aromat, salt, soil, water for imaginary baby birds with her daughter, Lindsay’s writing copy for her corporate clients or articles for magazines. Follow her on Twitter

Just over a year ago I wrote about the challenges facing working moms for the Jozikids’ blog. I’ve been working for myself for nearly three years now and at the same time raising a fabulous, precocious four year old daughter and I’ve learned a lot about managing some of the challenges.

A better way of working

I spent the first year and a half working incredibly hard, mostly to prove to myself and others that I could still be a positive driving force in business and at the same time be a great mom and wife. While I didn’t miss a deadline in that time, I put myself and my family through a lot of stress and frustration. I knew there had to be a better way to handle work and my family life.

Over the past year I’ve learned a lot in the pursuit of happiness and balance, particularly;

My house isn’t always spotless, but my stress levels and those of my family are down. I found my sense of humour again and I’m producing an even better quality of work. Win-win all round.

Copyright © Lindsay Grubb 2012

If you haven’t discovered it yet, Jozikids.co.za is the most up to date and detailed resource for parents in the Gauteng region to find what you need including events, activities, venues, parties and lessons. You’ll also find us on your cell phone.

MOTHER’S DAY OUTINGS

Lipizzaner Stallion Centre, Kyalami, May 12-13. The white stallions will be dancing to the fantastic music from Mama Mia

Madd Hatters Tea Garden, Doornranjie, Hennopsriver May 13, 10am-5pm. Come and join us for a mothers day lunch..(with a gift for mom) Lasagna,salad,rolls, with mad hatter platter and drinks! The ladies can relax while the boys play paintball @ Bush Paintball. And the kids can play on the jungle gym and feed the animals.

Princess Alice Adoption Home, Westcliff, May 12, 10 am-4pm, R125 pp. Treat your mother, aunt, sister and yourself to pampering in our Pamper Parlour. Packages include mini manicure, arm/shoulder massage and head/shoulder massage. Refreshments will be available in the tea garden for you to enjoy while listening to light musical entertainment.

WS Botanical Garden, Roodepoort, May 13 from 1pm. This is a concert that celebrates all mothers—the most important people in everyone’s life. Please arrive early and bring along your picnic baskets, blankets or chairs. The City Swing Fever Big Band will be performing.

SHOW FOR HIGH SCHOOL PUPILS

Waiting for GODOT at the Old Mutual Theatre on the Square, Sandton, May 6th, 9th and 14th
Producer Daphne Kuhn has invited Crawford College Sandton to perform their recent production of WAITING FOR GODOT – and to present it for high schools.

PARENTING HELP

Discipline & Self Esteem, Parenting Magazine Irene Dairy Farm, May 12, 8.30am-1pm, R200 pp. Parenting Magazines presents, Dereck Jackson in Irene Farm Pretoria, where he will be speaking on Discipline and Self Esteem. Enjoy A relaxing morning in great surroundings, a 10 minute pampering session, awesome prizes up for grabs as well as a fantastic goodie bag.

Ladies Image & Deportment wkshp, La Femme, Kyalami, May 12., 9am-4pm. R750 pp. Basics: sitting, standing, walking up/down stairs, posture. Maintaining your body: Body shape and understanding your body weight. Skin care and makeup. Cupboard planning: Fashion styles to suit you, Body proportions & dressing accordingly, Colour wear, power dressing. Body Language, Voice control,  presentations, interviews, Social Skills – Etiquette

Free Day for Senior Citizens at Pretoria Zoo, Tues, May 8. The Zoo will be hosting senior citizens older than 60 years and offering them free entry to the Zoo, the Aquarium and the Reptile Park. The day’s activities begin with complimentary tea, coffee and biscuits at the Zoo’s Flamingo Restaurant (first-come-first-served) where after a programme of events will be presented. A special meal will also be prepared by our Restaurant for the day

by Karen Oliver, a single mom of 3 with a great sense of humour , takes her role as mother to heart and makes every day in her chaotic tribe purposeful. Follow her on twitter or facebook for quirks on her tell-it-all life.

Father’s day is an interesting day in our tribe as my kids do not have a father figure to look up on our single mother household.  I have 3children, Michael (14), Steven (18) and my little angel girl, Krysstel is 7. I often wonder how this affects them. Its tricky as a single mom to try and fulfil this role.

So what have I done in my tribe to fill this very vital and critical gap (especially for my boys…)

1. Instead of family we call ourselves a little tribe and to explain why,  I include some word play – TRIBE = TRI – BE = TRY {TO} BE>.  Our TRI-BE’s creed – confirms OUR RIGHTFUL place where we can practice to BE <ourselves> in this world.

2. We have honest and open conversations. I have found male family members and friends, whom my children and I trust and can talk to about topics they don’t want to have with me.

3.Talking about sex with my two teenage boys is the hardest.  Yet when I don’t know the answer, we do research together to find relevant answers

4. The most beautiful behaviour however has came from my eldest son.  He has taken on the role of father figure for his little sister.  He was with  me at his sister’s birth, at the age of 11.  My midwife said that the birth  experience would make him an excellent father one day.  Well he has taken it upon himself to play this role in his little sister’s life, and she adores her brother – in fact she really listens to what he has to say – more than she listens to me.

5. My  mothering style is controversial.  I am not afraid to show them real hard life, and the wickedness which exists in our world.  My children are intelligent, emotionally mature and spiritually connected.  Most importantly they are street wise, and know how to deal with tough challenges including aspects of peer pressure, alcohol, drugs, sex and violence.  They know that there is one person that they can always count on, when they are in trouble, when they need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.  I might bark at their bad behaviour but I never bite!

I often wonder how  child headed families cope. How can we as communities assist and support these families in filling the gaps of absent role models so needed in a child’s life.?

In conclusion however, I want to honour all real fathers out there.  A facebook friend, Theo Geldenhuys had a kidney transplant a year ago and was told by doctors that he will never have children.  His baby girl, Zoe was born a week ago. I asked him what father’s day means to him this year.  His answer: “Being a father is my utmost blessing in life, I adore my little miracle!”

by Sine Thieme, a writer and mother of four who is new to South Africa and busy chronicling her experiences on her blog, Joburg Expat.

This Mother’s Day, why not ask for the gift of attending a parenting workshop? It might seem counterintuitive to want to concern yourself with more mothering questions when all you really want to do on Mother’s Day is kick back and have no kid duties, but trust me, you will gain a lot. I recently attending one called  from this particular class. It is called “Strong Mothers Strong Sons” and facilitated by Megan de Beyer,  a psychologist who has run a number of these courses throughout South Africa and in California. I had the good fortune of attending her recent appearance at Dainfern College in Johannesburg.

For one, it was very refreshing to spend a whole weekend just listening to someone else’s teaching, especially someone with so much insight into the workings of families, and families with teenagers in particular. As mothers, we are always busy organizing other people’s lives, checking things off lists, and feeding people who seem to constantly be hungry, so sitting in class for a change without having to lift a finger was a soothing experience. None of Megan’s revelations in and of itself was really news to me. But it is one thing to know what you’re supposed to do (and not to do). It’s an entirely different matter to stop, take a step back, and look at the big picture for a change.

We discussed many topics, ranging from your teenager’s need for more independence as his brain develops, our need as mothers to be in control, female versus male emotional states, A-Type versus B-Type personalities, and – a must for a workshop on teenagers – sex, drugs, and alcohol. I came away with a number of great messages, such as:

After an entire weekend of listening to Megan, not only do I feel energized to adjust my parenting approach, I also feel a new calmness, fueled by complete trust and belief in my children, a sense of awe and wonder that I get to witness their development. I’m sure it’ll wear off after a while, as all such things are prone to do, at which time I might have to attend another workshop. But in the meantime I feel content and proud as a mother of four wonderful children

For more details, read my related post on my parenting blog, Desperate Mothers.

Click here to find information about organisatoins that offer parenting workshops on Jozikids,

by Tanya Kovarsky, the editor of Living & Loving magazine, mom to Max, and a fan of running, baking, reading and iPads. Find her on Twitter (@TanyaKovarsky) or her blog.

Last week, I had brunch with a group of moms I met through a website forum. Tomorrow, I have playdate with a mom I met on Twitter and through our blogs, and I’m trying to arrange – via email on Smartphones – drinks with another mom I connected with through my magazine’s website forum. I considered these moms “friends” before even meeting them, and with them, there are dozens more, connecting, consoling and chatting with me digitally, whether it’s through blogging, Facebooking, Tweeting or posting on forums.

My digital connections with other moms have helped me through sleepless nights, have enabled me to find great costume shops in Joburg, and have made me feel “normal” with my imperfections as a mother. For example, the other night, after a trying wake-up at 2am with a crying teething baby, I Tweeted that I was awake and had a miserable baby. Five minutes later, I had not only received Tweets of compassion, but had found another mom whose baby was going through the same thing. In that moment, my “problem” was halved, my heart warmed, and I’d found a new “friend”.

From my online friends and reading their blogs, Tweets and posts, I’ve learnt that I’m not the only one who wants to go to the loo alone, and I’m not the sole mom who occasionally gives her kid cereal and yoghurt for supper because it’s easiest, or wishes that she could go back to the pre-children days for a few hours just for that Sunday-afternoon nap.

Digital connections are making motherhood easier and less lonely. It’s allowing us to vent about our challenges, to ask for a the best tried-and-tested nappy rash remedies, to moan about loss of sleep, and to find comfort from those who just “get it”, without judgement most of the time. No one said motherhood was easy, but my iPad, Blackberry and laptop are facilitating my journey, thanks to the friends, listeners and supporters “inside.