motherhood

articles

• How I balance work and home
• It’s the hand that rocks the cradle that rules the world.
• Why I don’t envy stay-at-home moms
• Every mom needs a cheerleader
• 20 things NOT to feel mom guilt about
• The world of working mothers
• Mother’s Day events & parenting workshops
• Mothers without fathers, a single mom’s story.
• Strong mothers, strong sons
• Cybermoms thrive
• The love of a mother
• 5 ways to let go this Mother’s Day
• A mother’s instinct is never wrong
• Working mum – the ‘decision’ and the guilt
• Finding fulfillment as a stay-at-home mom
• The challenges facing working moms
• Words to my daughter
• Have I been a good mother?
• What they don’t teach you at antenatal classes
• Shelve the guilt and ignore the doubt
• Someone to call me mommy
• With love to my Xhosa African Queen Mother
• Mrs Johnson’s daughter
• Being a mom is not about being a martyr
• Mother’s Day, it’s not all chocolates and teddy bears!
• Taking credit for being a supermom

by Bheki Khoza-Mabona, Uj communications student who loves nature and has a passion for writing and composing poetry. Find him on  twitter @TheRealBheki

The love of a mother never perishes…

It’s been five years, 11 months since I last saw your face and with each passing day I remember the love we once shared, the times I looked into your face and shared a joke with you. With you time was precious and moments shared were always recreated and re-invented.

You chose me and I chose you back, back in 1987 on the 22nd of February (The month of love).  You gave me life, you natured me into a son, without a man in the house, a father figure to guide me.  You never disappointed but made me a boy amongst others. You  taught me important life lessons that looking back now, I see  and still feel you  right beside me. Your love for me still lingers in everything I touch.

You loved me before you saw me, you took care of me before somebody else could help you look after me. How can I now not honour your legacy.  How can I make you proud?

I know I made you proud  as the first of your  8 children to see the doors of a university,  when I was selected student of the year at High school and read  my poetry at school gatherings.  Now I’m on my way to getting my  university degree and  know I am still making you proud.

Grace Cynthia Mhlanga you are the superhero and will always be the guide in my life. Thank  you for instilling the foundations of listening and understanding with the knowlege that  I was loved by a woman who left me and my siblings too soon. Your love  love and lessons remain to guide us in the present  and into the future!

P.S. This blurry photo of my mom with my siblings is the only one I still have in my album.

My mom was 54 when she died.  She was a domestic helper, she was a very strong willed women, loved church, had 8 kids (2 boys and 6 girls) who she raised in a 4 bed roomed house. She was a  Christian and loved her kids regardless of what we all turned out to be.

by Genevieve Young, a Life Coach for teens and a Sri Sri Yoga teacher who also runs practical workshops on achieving wellness and centredness in these busy times. Visit her website to find out more.

Us women are truly wonderful creatures.

We are always ready to give to others, whether it be our friends, family, job, parents… Loving and nurturing others is our second nature, and it brings us a lot of joy and happiness.

But what women are not so good at is RECEIVING love, care and help. We say, “Don’t worry I’ll do it” when in actual fact we are exhausted and would love for someone else to do it.

Sound familiar?

For whatever reason, we find it hard to just say, “I need help” or “I can’t today”. Unfortunately the result of always giving out to others and not taking back is that we get more and more drained. We then tend to become angry and resentful towards those we love the most. Doesn’t really seem fair right?

The truth is that the people in your life would love to help and care for you, but just don’t how (because you’ve never told them!)

This Mother’s Day is a great opportunity to allow your loved ones to spoil you and learn a little more about how they can support you more often.

Here are some ideas:
1. Allow your husband or partner to do all the arrangements, shopping and planning for the Mother’s Day weekend. You will be tempted to jump in and help or give advice, but RESIST. Just trust your partner to do it and relax. Does it really matter if you don’t have the exact brand of bread you normally have? The rest and peace of mind you get from being looked after will be worth it, I promise.

2. Inform your family that you will be sleeping in on Mother’s Day. Let them know that you would really like some quiet time on that morning please. Tell then who to callthey urgently need something that morning, so they don’t bother you.

3. Call up your girlfriends and watch your favourite tearjerker. If your friends can’t come to you for the movie, plan the event at one of their houses. Just being yourself with your friends is food for the soul.

4. Let someone else cook and clean up. I know they are probably not going to cook what you had in mind, and perhaps not as well as you would have, but it’s ok. Your family is not going to starve and who knows, maybe you’ll discover a fabulous cook in your midst? Again, just relax and let it happen, no back-seat cooking please. That just defeats the whole relaxing part of it. If you still can’t let go, then get out of the house until the food is cooked.

5. Engage in your favourite creative activity or hobby. You’ve probably been putting this off, so get out your painting, sewing, scrapbooking, mosaic etc. Whichever activity that gets your creative juices flowing.

Here’s to you letting go this Mother’s Day and being spoilt!

Enjoy it, you deserve it !

by Kerry Haggard, a working mom who loves (nearly) all the tools that that 21st century life brings to parenting. Her most important parenting tool, however, is instinct. Follow her on Twitter or read her blog

A woman I worked for many years ago spoke of “feeling things in her waters” – and it’s a notion I only fully got to grips with when I became a mom. In the runup to the birth of my first child, I was given truckloads of advice from all directions – but the piece of advice that stuck the most was to ignore all the advice and follow my gut. And it’s the one that’s worked the best for me.

Two examples in the last few weeks have proven this right yet again. I had promised my boys a sleepover at their beloved grandparents on the Sunday night before the public holiday. Matthew (my youngest) woke up from his afternoon nap that day unusually grumpy and clingy, and I treated a mild temperature with some Calpol – and he bounced back. My gut was saying that I shouldn’t let him sleep out – but my suggestion that they stay home was met with roars of disapproval from both sides of the age spectrum – so I let them go.

What happened? At 4am my mom-in-law called to say that Matthew had been crying inconsolably since 2am, and that I should come and fetch him because he “was not good”. I tore out of bed, screamed across to fetch him, heart pounding all the way and imagining the worst. He stopped when I got there, and had calmed down by the time we got home, enough for me to decide to take him to the doctor later in the morning, rather than braving Casualty. Turns out he had infections in both ears. If that situation arises again – I will make sure he stays home.

This week when my gut shouted out, I listened to it. Daniel had earache, and my husband took him to our doctor. The doctor prescribed an antibiotic for his ear, which I pretty much expected. When the pharmacist dispensed 28 adult-sized tablets, my husband asked if that was right – surely that was an adult medication, and an adult dose. “It’s what the doctor prescribed,” the pharmacist said. “Are you really sure that this is for a five year old child?” my husband asked, pointing to Daniel who was with him. “Yes, it’s fine,” the pharmacist continued – and handed over the Augmentin, with the instruction that Daniel take two large tablets, twice a day for 7 days.

When I heard this, all sorts of alarm bells rang. When I got home and saw this lot, I BBM’d the doctor, to confirm that this actually was what he wanted.  To cut a long story short (you can read the long story here if you want to) , the doctor prescribed the adult version of the drug instead of the paediatric one, and the pharmacist dispensed it, in spite of my husband querying it. My instinct refused to accept that. Questioning the doctor and the pharmacist because of my “waters” having their own storm of panic saved my son a great deal of suffering – he would have had severe diarrhea, would probably have dehydrated, and his immune system would have been severely compromised by an antibiotic dose four times what he required.

So – if there’s any advice I can give to any mom or dad out there when it comes to parenting, it’s to listen to your instinct. If anyone tells you otherwise, make sure you are completely happy with how they convince you. In my experience, your instinct will always be right.

By Sholain Govender-Bateman , Pretoria based journalism lecturer who worked for The Star, Pretoria & other  publications. She is mum to two gorgeous girls, Isobel and Aishwari, and wife to Barry. Follow her on Twitter @sholain

This is part 1 in a series entitled Ramblings of a (21st century) working mum

I remember my childhood when my mum and most of her friends were all home executives. My siblings and I were driven to school, picked up by my mother when needed and she was always available to help with homework, attend school functions and sporting events, assist with last-minute projects and of course, always had breakfast, tea and supper ready on time.

At that time in the conservative, middle-class community that I lived in, it was strange and even looked down upon as some form of neglect if a child had to return from school to an empty house and fend for himself whilst the mother in question was at work. People in my neighbourhood were quick to blame even the slightest misdemeanour on the ‘absence’ of the working mother.

Well, times have certainly changed. These days a stay-at-home mum whose husband is the sole breadwinner is the exception rather than the rule. Aside from the fact that most women have well-established careers before marrying and having children, few households can survive on a single-income budget.

It is clear to me that my family and I benefit from me working full-time. We have all the material things that we need and most of what we want. My husband and I are on equal footing after a full day’s work, and most importantly I maintain my individuality whilst also being a mum and wife.

The cons, however, cannot be ignored – I miss my two girls dearly every single day. The older is 3-years-old and my second is 4-months-old.

I don’t always get to see the milestones when they happen – when my first child started crawling, my husband was off that day and had the pleasure of seeing her scuttle lopsidedly across the floor. When he called me at work, I dropped everything and immediately drove home to catch a repeat performance but still remember my feeling of disappointment at not being there for the premiere.

The guilt of not being with them 24/7 never fades completely. This despite me knowing that that they are in excellent hands whilst I am away and should I ‘decide’ to stay home, we’d have to change our standard of living  plus I’d have to give up a career.

This guilt is probably a remnant of my childhood when working women were judged, or it could be an innate maternal guilt that cannot be removed – whatever the cause – I sometimes wonder if me being away from my children for a large part of every day will result in them being misfits as adults – but then I look at the hundreds of succesful, functional people I know who were raised by working and realise that my concerns are unfounded.

The most important thing is to accept that I am a working mum and then balance my life and roles according to my circumstances.

(next) Part 2 – Working mum – balancing act supreme!

by Jayshree Sita, a mom who traded the life of a chartered accountant to become a teacher and now devotes her time to her  family. She’s also an aspiring writer and artist who is passionate about self-development.

I read an article in the Feb issue of Woman and Home entitled, “Don’t call me a housewife, I’m a CHO(Chief Household Officer).”

I am currently a stay-at-home mom of two gorgeous kids aged 9 and 6, and interestingly my husband is the CEO of a very prestigious company. I would love to add a ‘C’ to my title.

A key message in the article indicated that “the role of housewife is not going to go away, but it’s about empowerment, and bringing challenge, enjoyment and status back to a role in decline.”  This line touched a chord with me as I believe that I have experienced this very phenomenon and would like to share my story.

I have experienced a glamorous corporate career as a chartered accountant, and a second very rewarding, yet challenging career as a teacher.

As a teacher I had the opportunity to inspire young people, and contribute meaningfully to their growth and learning. I taught business studies at matric level and could use my CA experience to make lessons ‘real world’ and interesting. However, the teaching workload was immense. I also found that a lot of teaching time was lost in playing policeman in the classroom. I realised how important my role is as a parent in raising my kids to have good manners and to instill a learning culture in them from a young age.

In 2008, we had begun to build a new home, and I found myself becoming the unofficial building project manager looking after builders, plumbers, etc., an unpaid, unglamorous, super stressful role.  Eventually, I let go my teaching job to focus on getting the house built.  Thankfully,that experience is behind me and we now live in a beautiful home.

I chose not to return to formal teaching,being fully aware that the demands were too high on my  family time.

Nevertheless, at home I sometimes felt lonely and unfulfilled. Being “just a mommy” is not very intellectually stimulating and carries no status in society. Added to this, my husband’s promotion to CEO triggered a few self-esteem issues. I asked myself, “Am I okay being just a supporting actress in the Sita Family Show?”

Anyway, I turned 40 last year and began to explore things that I find uplifting – art, writing ,reading, volunteering at schools and studying Vedanta philosophy. I also found like-minded people to team up with in these endeavours.

My Vedanta studies led me to formulating an ideal for myself. It is “To build a community of caring, creative, thinking children who will contribute to the world in a positive way  with a strong self-belief as well as sound values and judgement. I have begun to work on this ideal at home, and within my community and neighbouring schools. In pursuit of this ideal, I see my own fulfillment arising whether in a formal or informal job.

Hence, I now feel at peace as I am able to fulfill that vital role of CHO (I love the term), while still following my personal aspirations and giving myself the respect I believe I am due.

Lindsay Grubb, wife & mom to a nearly 3 yr old daughter and owner of L Communications where she helps you get the right message across to the right audience. Follow her on Twitter and LinkedIn

Working mothers are less dedicated. Working mothers are less adaptable. Working mothers’ skills are outdated. Working mothers are going to take maternity leave as soon as you hire them.

These are just some of the reasons 69% of companies in South Africa won’t be hiring working mothers in 2011 according to www.Fin24.com journalist Vida Booysen’s article “Hard times ahead for working moms”

Does this make you as mad as it made me when I read it?

I was retrenched along with 900,000 other people in the 2009 recession. With few employment opportunities available, I started my own marketing and public relations agency, L Communications, I’m also a freelance writer and I run www.hiccupsandgigglessa.com a parenting website.

Like every other working mom I know, I work incredibly hard. I’m in the home office every morning at 07:20, sometimes even 05:00 if I have a deadline and run flat out till five that evening, when my amazing nanny Mirriam goes home.

Then I swop my busy executive hat for my mom hat and my full focus turns to Ciara, my nearly-three year old daughter. She is 92cm bundle of energy and light, who is full of wonder and excitement wanting to learn everything, help with everything, and taste everything. I don’t stop till I pass out around midnight every night. If there’s a deadline I have to hit, my supportive husband wakes me after an hour’s nap and herds me back to the office where a strong cup of coffee sits steaming on my desk. He stays up with me till I’m done to make sure I hit the deadline.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could change the perception of working mothers? Wouldn’t it be great if we could show the business community the following traits that make us great mothers and great employees?

These are skills we use every day as mothers, and they translate beautifully into the workplace.

So working mom’s hold your heads high, 31% of South African companies are smart enough to recognise the talents we bring to the table. Let’s show the other 69% what we’re made of.

Copyright © 2011 Lindsay Grubb

by Jude Foulston ,  new mom, wife, entrepreneur,  friend and crafter who’s loving the challenge of trying to  keep it all together on a daily basis. She’s also the creator of jamtin– an online directory for all things handmade

Dear Layla

My baby girl who’s changed our world forever – you are the most precious little person that fills each day with your smiles, cuddles and love. It’s difficult to remember what life was before you arrived and how we survived without the cuddles, baby breathe and sweet little noises you love to make.

It’s difficult to find the words to describe the love we have for you… there are times that I walk into your room and you greet me with a smile that fills the entire room – it physically makes me want to burst with love for you, with an emotion that comes from deep within my soul

Dear Husband to Me and Daddy to Layla

You do know that you’re the best Daddy in the world… that’s quite a big title, but I know that to Layla you are the best Daddy ever. Pretty awesome to know that you’re going to be someone’s real life hero soon.

We’ve learnt a lot in the very short 4 months – both about being parents and each other. Could we ever have known how our lives would be changed. There are times that I miss you and seem that life is all consumed by being a mom – I promise to try my best to focus on you as much as I do Layla – bear with me as I find the balance, and the hours in the day to get to everything. Just as much as I love our monkey, I love you more. We did this together, created such a perfect little creature and have our whole lives together moulding, teaching and loving our baby girl. I know we’re going to make mistakes, but more than that, I know we’re  going to be amazing parents, a great husband and wife team and together provide a family where she is loved and treasured daily.

Dear Me

You rock as a mom, and don’t you forget it. You’ve got a blank canvas to work with here  – remember that, but also don’t let it overwhelm you – as you already know that this parenting thing can get overwhelming! Teach her every day, love her every minute, let her explore, help her create, encourage her to discover, let her make mistakes and trust that you are doing a great job. You’ve waited for this all your life and you were born to be a mom. Don’t let your career distract you – your work is important, you need it and enjoy it, but this little girl is your real job now and you’ve been promoted to CEO from day one. Training is in-house, remuneration is paid in love and vacation time is limited – all this and you’ve still got the best job in the world.

Our baby girl, we cherish each day we have with you. You are our gift from God and as we try and teach you all about life, we love every minute that you teach us what life is about.

Jayshree Sita, mom to 2 gorgeous, lively kids, Amishka 9yrs and Vishen  5yrs.  She traded the glamorous life of a chartered accountant to become a teacher. She’s also an aspiring writer and artist who is passionate about self-development and keeping her family happy.

If I die today, I ask myself

Have I given my children enough love ?

Have I laughed with them and cuddled them?

Have I shared some of my life’s lessons?

Have I given them strength

To face the world with courage?

Have I shared my values

so that they know what is important to me?

Have I taught them to question

and make sense of the world in their own way?

Have I introduced them

to the wonders of nature

that so inspire me

and bring joy to my heart

and to all the other things that make my spirit soar?

Have I encouraged them to be true to themselves

and follow their own path in life?

Have I allowed them the freedom

to explore and have adventures

to taste the juice and passion of life?

Have I given them the space to fall

and pick themselves up?

Have I been there

to nurture them, comfort them,

sing with them, dance with them?

Have I been true to myself

So that they learn not from what I say, but what I do?

Have I been a good mother

on my own terms?

Jayshree Sita   10 Sep 2010

by Tanya Kovarsky mother of baby Max, a magazine editor, and 8-time Comrades Marathon runner. Aside from her family and friends, she considers chai tea, her Blackberry, running shoes, baby jogger, Grey’s Anatomy, Glee and Twitter among the great loves of her life. Follow Tanya on Twitter @TanyaKovarsky

What to shop for, how to sterilize bottles and what to pack for the hospital are important lessons for feeling like you’re organised and leading you to believe you’ve got the whole motherhood thing sorted even before you give birth. But there are so many things that are unwritten and unsaid before you have a baby that when the ghastly does come around, you either think you’re a freak because the book never said so, or curse at the world for not having told you (though if I had a rand for every time someone said “You’ll never sleep well again”, I’d have been able to employ a fulltime night nurse!).

So if I could tell new moms-to-be or new moms what they really need to know so they don’t feel completely freaked out and alone (compactum lists and birth videos aside), the list would look something like this:

-         You might battle with your new identity. You have a new job description, and it’s okay if it’s a challenging transition. No one goes from being a regular employer to a manager with huge responsibilities without difficulty.

-         You might not love motherhood at first. Bear in mind that loving your child and loving motherhood are two different things. You will probably get to love it, but it’s tough, and it’s okay not to want to shout about the joys of motherhood from the rooftops.

-         Your marriage might be challenged. With the hormones, added responsibility, fear, less time together and different ways of doing things, things could be a little tougher. I remember sobbing many times if my husband came home two minutes after he said he would, and shouting every swear word I knew. In hindsight, this was irrational (read: childish), but at the time, it felt like things were falling apart.

-         You might not hang up those maternity pants (or anything elasticised) after you give birth. While you might have dreams of leaving the hospital ala Brooke Shields in designer jeans, your reality is more likely to involve big-waisted pants, along with a large T-shirt to go over your sore, melon-like boobs. Many months later, and I’m still not sure how that extra flap of stomach skin that one develops during pregnancy is supposed to disappear, ever, without the help of a nip or tuck.

-         You’ll probably feel kak for a long time. Between the dark undereye rings, your untouched hair roots, and the still-to-be-shed pregnancy weight, you might feel more D-list than A-list and more slummy mummy than yummy mummy.

-         You’ll be afraid. Very afraid. A lifetime of responsibility? Yikes! It’s very scary.

I wish I could say I had a matching list of how to get over the post-birth woes, but I don’t. What I do know is that it helps to know some stuff is normal, and that other new moms everywhere are wearing their baggies, losing sleep and fighting with their hubbies about whose turn it is to change the poo nappy. But just like a baby’s stubborn wind, it does eventually pass. Seriously.

by Sally Cameron, midwife, mother of 2 and co-owner of earthbabies . I am passionate, creative, trying to be Green unschooling single mom. It’s a journey

Being a mother is a life changing role that nothing can prepare you for, no matter how much you read, or plan, or try to get mentally ready for.

Perhaps the biggest part that we are ill prepared for, more than the sleepless nights and the change in routine, is two emotions that no one really talks about; guilt and doubt.

It does not matter how competent you were at any job, or the high powered position you may have held, or how confident you were, parenting is a job where the stakes are higher than anything you will ever have done before, or will do again, and the worst part, is that there is no manual. Sure  there are plenty of how to books, with all sorts of ideas, but the small people we get, are each individual, unique and different to any other child, so any manual is at best a guess, and may not suit you or your child’s temperament.

The best option you have, is to find what seems to work for you and your child or what you believe is right. Then you land up defending this method to all others because the outcome is so important. You can’t be wrong because then your child’s future is at stake. And while you will defend what you do, to the death, the doubt will gnaw at you in the quiet moments –“ have I really got it right?” If you are right then they should turn out okay, and if not then others will look at you and shake their heads and say; you were too strict or too lenient, too permissive or too dominant, you crushed their spirits or you let them run wild, you worked or you stayed at home.

I do not think we all need to parent in the same way but we need to acknowledge  that at best we are all guessing and trying to get it right. Maybe if we defend less and share our insecurities more we may be able to learn more from each other and grow as parents, rather than tear each other apart by defending what we do, tooth and nail.

This Mothers Day, add a healthy dose of ‘cutting-yourself-some-slack’ and go out and enjoy the things that make this job, no matter the difficulties, one of the best and most rewarding things you will ever do. Shelve the guilt, ignore the doubt and revel in the joy, those pesky emotions will be there waiting for you again on Monday…

Happy Mother’s Day.