single parents

articles

• Finding a new man – tips for single moms
• Mothers without fathers, a single mom’s story.
• A single mom’s story and search for a local support group
• My rising little star
• Single mom searches for support
• Taking credit for being a supermom
• How do single parents find romance?
• Christmas without my kids
• Moms need holidays too!!
• Is there support for single moms?
• Deciding to refuse access
• Cleaning Out
• Surviving sport and school as a single mom

by Karen Oliver, a single mom of 3 with a great sense of humour , takes her role as mother to heart and makes every day in her chaotic tribe purposeful. Follow her on twitter or facebook for quirks on her tell-it-all life.

I am most probably the worst, yet the best person to ask about dating and relationships as a single mom.  Worst because I am still single after many a failed relationship, and best because I have learnt some very hard lessons in my search for a life partner.

The truth is Love comes from within, it is not an external object which is to be found somewhere out there in the world.  It starts with real self love! If you cannot accept yourself for who you are exactly, now in this moment, then your love cannot extend to others.

When we open our hearts to love, we become vulnerable. It is therefore important to set some boundaries in this regard, not only to protect our own hearts, but more importantly to protect our kids.  Remember that their view of relationships starts at home. I have to admit that I have not been the example I always wanted to be for my kids. So finally at 38 and after  another abusive relationship last year I decided to play a more active role by doing the following:

1. REFLECTION: Reflecting on all of your relationships with specific focus on your failed relationships.  Determining the real issues and LETTING GO through forgiveness! The most challenging action for me was to forgive myself completely for allowing wrong people into my own and my kids’ lives.

2. VISION: Spend time dreaming of your perfect life partner.  Write down the qualities you need and want in a life partner, and very importantly, a role model for your kids.  It is necessary to distinguish between ‘must haves’ and ‘nice to haves’.  This piece of paper (mine is a flipchart page stuck on my wall) is a living piece of paper. As your own outlook on relationships evolves, you can and must adjust this profile.

3. SEARCH AND FIND and DATING: Make the time and infiltrate the right networks. Remember that ‘dating’ is not a relationship. Real relationship ‘dating’ involves two people who get to know each other without the involvement of romantic intimacy or sex.  By bringing sex  into your ‘dating’ process too early, you are allowing it to drive your relationship, and the foundation of the solid relationship is tainted. Only involve your kids when you are sure that the dating process will evolve to a real relationship based on your ‘must have’ criteria.

4. DO NOT COMPROMISE THE MUST HAVE’S: or you will continue to draw in men who will be unreliable in offering you what you require as a woman and as a mother.  Understand that the blame will be all yours, resulting in more heart break, healing time and letting go.

I wish you all a very blessed time to reflect on your relationships, the impact this has had on your life as a single mom, as well as your kids’ view on relationships – it can have a profound effect on their future.

by Karen Oliver, a single mom of 3 with a great sense of humour , takes her role as mother to heart and makes every day in her chaotic tribe purposeful. Follow her on twitter or facebook for quirks on her tell-it-all life.

Father’s day is an interesting day in our tribe as my kids do not have a father figure to look up on our single mother household.  I have 3children, Michael (14), Steven (18) and my little angel girl, Krysstel is 7. I often wonder how this affects them. Its tricky as a single mom to try and fulfil this role.

So what have I done in my tribe to fill this very vital and critical gap (especially for my boys…)

1. Instead of family we call ourselves a little tribe and to explain why,  I include some word play – TRIBE = TRI – BE = TRY {TO} BE>.  Our TRI-BE’s creed – confirms OUR RIGHTFUL place where we can practice to BE <ourselves> in this world.

2. We have honest and open conversations. I have found male family members and friends, whom my children and I trust and can talk to about topics they don’t want to have with me.

3.Talking about sex with my two teenage boys is the hardest.  Yet when I don’t know the answer, we do research together to find relevant answers

4. The most beautiful behaviour however has came from my eldest son.  He has taken on the role of father figure for his little sister.  He was with  me at his sister’s birth, at the age of 11.  My midwife said that the birth  experience would make him an excellent father one day.  Well he has taken it upon himself to play this role in his little sister’s life, and she adores her brother – in fact she really listens to what he has to say – more than she listens to me.

5. My  mothering style is controversial.  I am not afraid to show them real hard life, and the wickedness which exists in our world.  My children are intelligent, emotionally mature and spiritually connected.  Most importantly they are street wise, and know how to deal with tough challenges including aspects of peer pressure, alcohol, drugs, sex and violence.  They know that there is one person that they can always count on, when they are in trouble, when they need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on.  I might bark at their bad behaviour but I never bite!

I often wonder how  child headed families cope. How can we as communities assist and support these families in filling the gaps of absent role models so needed in a child’s life.?

In conclusion however, I want to honour all real fathers out there.  A facebook friend, Theo Geldenhuys had a kidney transplant a year ago and was told by doctors that he will never have children.  His baby girl, Zoe was born a week ago. I asked him what father’s day means to him this year.  His answer: “Being a father is my utmost blessing in life, I adore my little miracle!”

by Emma Levine, mother to the two most amazing and beautiful kids in the world.  Everyday with them is  special. You can email her at levine@leonora.co.za.

My husband walked out on me and our 2 year old son, Luca, on the day that our 2nd son, Tiano was born.

I thought that the hardest part about being  divorced was being a single parent. Then after my husband moved to Cape Town to live with his ‘girlfriend’ I realized that not having a father around was far worse. The last time that he saw his two kids was on 21 September (today is 28 October). Even when he was in JHB for 1 and ½ weeks at the beginning of October he did not attempt to see them. He promised to visit his kids every two weeks, but now he is claiming that he has no money.

Before he left, he was seeing the kids three to four times a week. Yet he told everybody that I would not let him see the kids. Even though I let him talk to Luca everyday on the phone, he told everybody I would not let him talk to Luca.

In the beginning the only support came from my parents. All ‘our’ friends dropped me, and even friends that were friends for a while after he left, dropped me. I didn’t want any help from anybody else because I wanted to do everything myself. On 24 July at Luca’s first sports day my ex-husbands brother’s family was there to support Luca. They were really nice to me… They have since been a huge support, together with my ex mom-in-law, much to my ex’s disgust.

Everyday I felt like I was climbing out of a deep hole. Every now and again, I would stumble, but I would pick myself up, wipe the dust off and try again. Luca walks around the house calling ‘pappa’. He talks to ‘pappa’ on his hand as if it were a telephone. When he went to soccer for the first time he ran onto the field shouting ‘pappa, pappa.’ Despite everything that I have been through, this is the most painful thing to experience. The hurt manifests itself physically as a sharp, searing pain in my heart. Sounds like a cliché, but it is very true.

I am struggling to accept the fact that their father is not interested in them. Every time I look into my kids eyes, tears start to well up. I am upset and angry that there will be no father around for father-sons days at school, for soccer, for the first bike ride and for many other amazing experiences. I have started to look around for support groups in my area to talk to other single parents but I am struggling to find any. Most are online, which is great, but I would like to build a local network. Is anybody interested in forming a support group in the Sandton area or knows of a support group in the area.

by Sheriza Bolton, a single mother of two and a full time worker. Find her on facebook

I have been a single mum for almost 10 years.  It is difficult and challenging to be a parent today and it is even more difficult to raise children alone.  We as parents are often overwhelmed and lacking the parenting skills necessary to do a good job. But good solid parenting has less to do with the number of parents in the home and more to do with the quality of parenting. Whether the single parent household is headed by a mother, father, or a grandparent, raising children alone is an enormous task. I decided that I would be the best I could be as a single mum and give my daughter “a rising star” in the modeling world and a soccer player in the making, a life they deserved.  How do I describe this amazing feeling about my kids, especially my little girl who has brought so much joy to my heart as well as family, friends and our community?

My little daughter had flair for dancing and modelling at the age of 3. The camera loved her and vice versa. I decided to take a chance and said if this is what she wants, then let’s explore it to a professional level. She entered a competition called the Little Miss Fashion Icon, and won. What a big achievement for her at this tender age. She is now involved with a lot of community work and charity campaigns for orphanages and old age homes in our community.  She is currently assisting with the winter warm up campaign for the Maren Mission Children’s Home.  She has had the opportunity to see kids that are less fortunate then her; this has changed her mind about the world. She has now adopted one of the kids and we will be taking care of her by providing her with clothes, food etc every month. I am so proud of her.

I have learnt so much from Tazlyn, the sweetness and spice of little girls, patience and forgiveness as she stretches my tolerance with the sulky attitude of a 6 year old.  Whatever she has chosen to become, I will still feel proud of her simply because she has the key to my heart forever .

A she grows a little day by day, I pray that God lights the path, to guide her on her way.  What I want most for my daughter is that she be able to soar confidently in her own sky, whatever that may be.

This proves that single parents can raise good kids too!

by Tania Smit , mother of 2 children. She who lives alone with her kids, works during the day and wishes she had more time to spend with them.  She recently lost her husband of 13 yrs.

I recently lost my husband, the love of my life and feel as if my world has fallen apart. I need support but don’t know where to find it. Can anyone help?

My husband and I started dating when I was 15 and he was 19 yrs old.  We were married for 13 years and had two beautiful kids, aged 3 and 5.  Lodewyk, my husband was a wonderful father and husband. He loved the kids.

He was diagnosed with cancer in September and passed away in December; 3 days before Christmas and his 43rd birthday.

Now I am struggling and feel so alone. I cannot talk to anyone. I try to keep myself brave for the kids and at work. I think that if I don’t do this, I will just cry all the time.

I feel like I am falling apart. I yell at the kids, out of pure frustration and tiredness. I am so busy with everything that I must now do on my own, that I don’t spend enough time with them and then also feel really bad about this.

They also feel the loss of their dad and I just don’t know how to deal with it.  Please, if anyone out there can help.  My email address is: tanias@cmp.co.za

by Lihle Z Mtshali, the proud mother of a lovely little lady who thinks she’s Beyonce.  She is Business Editor for The Times by day and Supermom every other time. You can also find her on twitter @lihle_z

I AM a Supermom. Yes, I said it. I do an amazing job as a mother and I am proud of it.

Mothers don’t get enough praise for the hard work they do, so I’m laying it on myself thick, thank you very much.

I am a single mother and have raised my now 12-year-old daughter Thando on my own, with a little help here and there. She visits her father on some school holidays, but the day-to-day demands stare me squarely in the face, every day. I have a very demanding full-time career but I come home every evening and make a healthy meal for my little one; chat to her about her day (there is a lot, she’s a pre-teen); check her homework; watch all her favourite TV shows on the Disney Channel and laugh uproariously at the antics of Zack and Cody, Hannah Mantana and the Wizards of Waverly Place; sing along to her Beyonce CDs and practice the dance moves with her; talk about her fears and hear all her secrets before ensuring that she goes to bed on time every night.

I’d love to lie in on weekends, but alas, she has hip-hop dance classes on Saturday mornings, followed by a birthday party or movies almost every weekend. Sundays it’s church and lunch with friends. Then Monday rolls around again and it’s back to ferrying Thando and her BFF to and from school everyday.

I am such a great mom that even Thando’s best friends come to me with all their pre-teen troubles. They can’t speak to their mothers, they tell me. They don’t come to me because I treat them like equals or friends. They still respect me as a mother figure and an adult and I have no qualms about telling them when they are out of line. But I made a conscious decision not to be the unapproachable mother that our mothers were.

I am 33-years-old and engaged but even now can’t talk to my mother about the man in my life. That door was never opened.

I do all that I do in the name of motherhood with all the love in my heart because nothing, absolutely nothing, fills my heart like seeing a smile on my child’s face.

But, I do get tired and fed up. Sometimes I get so frustrated I want to scream. Sometimes I do scream.

I miss Thando terribly when she goes away to Durban, but when I put her on that plane I give a silent cheer for the break I’m getting.

I used to be ridden with guilt when I got these feelings. I felt like, surely if you are a good mother you don’t get tired and frustrated?

Then I started talking to other mothers and found that I was not the odd one out. Phew! I realised then that not only do we all need a break, but it is absolutely necessary and crucial and enables us to function properly in our roles.

We drive ourselves so hard as mothers, single mothers especially, because we don’t want to be the mother that raised Jack the Ripper or even Candy the stripper. Sorry, exotic dancer. We are also very critical of ourselves and forget that although every once in a while we are capable of amazing acts of perfection; we are, in fact, still human.

So, during the Easter holidays while Thando was away frolicking on the beach with her cousins, having chips and ice-cream every day and no vegetables, I got to sit around in my pyjamas until midday on Saturdays. I got to do whatever I wanted; I got to be me, without the Supermom pressure.

I got to write this.

by Brendah Nyakudya,  a single mum to a 4yr old girl. Admittedly not the best cook, but loves exploring the outdoors with her little one. A political and social commentator she has just started a blog As I see it. During the day she works for management consultants in Johannesburg.

Every so often my daughter says “Mommy I am going to marry Ben tomorrow, because he is my boyfriend and he said so”.   Its sweet and I earnestly pray that for her love is indeed that simple.

As a single parent, love and dating are such complicated issues.  On the  one hand I am an easy date because of my hassled lifestyle.  Anything that doesn’t include me cooking and begging someone to eat, far away from the constant cries of “mommy, mommy” would be my idea of a romantic date. So on a bad day, a drive to McDonalds with an adult man, just the two of us would be romantic.

But on the other hand, because I am a single parent, I am the toughest client to please.  People always assume that when someone has a child its harder to get back into the dating game. It’s a correct assumption.  But the mistake they make is thinking the child is the hindrance to them having a social or a love life – the opposite is true, it’s us, the parents, who get in the way.

As a single mom I have become even more cautious and critical when approaching the dating game, because I now have a little life and heart I am responsible for.  I no longer have the luxury to just “kick it” and see how it goes. People say I am too picky but I have to be!  The minute someone shows interest it would be remiss for me as a mother to not gauge how they would be as a parent.  It’s too risky getting attached to someone who cannot connect with your child.

Trust is another big issue because unfortunately the world we live in is cruel and dark. Everyone has read those devastating stories of sexual and physical child abuse at the hands of those we loved, trusted and let into our lives.  How do you protect your child from that?

And that’s not all! Logistical factors also come into play. When do you introduce your child to a “suitor?”  Do you do it early in the game, before you get attached, so you can test it out but risk your child being introduced to lots of different men should it not work out or do you wait until you are sure, which has its own disadvantages should they not get along and you have already fallen in love.

All these things rush through my head the minute someone asks for my number and it may seem psychotic, but it’s my reality and these fears and issues are real and sometimes too daunting to even face for “dinner and a maybe”.

Which would probably explain why this Valentines I will be having dinner and dancing with the love of my life (read: forcing a 4year old to eat and then jumping around to Boogie Beebies).

But I will sleep happy, content and in love.

By Laura-kim single mom, recently divorced with 2 kids and the author of the blog Harrased mom

My ex and I have been split for 3 Christmases. This was the first one the children spent with him.

Christmas is my favourite time of the year. I simply love the magic and spirit of Christmas. To me it is not about the gifts but about love and hope and family. It is a special time for me.

So it was very hard for me when their father confirmed he would be taking them. I knew it would happen. It is only fair. I mean he is their father, he should also be with them around Christmas. I knew my feelings were selfish.

So we packed their bags and sent them off. It was hard.

My boyfriend was also away in Cape Town over Christmas so I decided at the last minute that there was no way I could spend Christmas day without my children and the man I love. I managed to change my flights at the last minute and was in Cape Town for Christmas Eve!

Christmas Day was harder than I thought it would be. It was an exceptionally happy morning. My boyfriend’s nieces and nephews – all teenagers, had so much fun opening their gifts that the house was fulled with excitement and laughter and love. It was very special but I missed my children terrible.

I missed watching them rip open gifts. I missed listening to them laugh and argue and moan.

by Sally Cameron, midwife, mother of 2 and co-owner of earthbabies . I am passionate, creative, trying to be Green unschooling single mom. It’s a journey

 I became a single mom at the beginning of the year when I left my husband after a failed, destructive marriage. Raising 2 small kids alone is a huge challenge and can really leave you feeling more than a little worn out.  My ex husband works on the oil rigs and so would be away for weeks at a time. I got used to being and doing everything myself but  I would still defer things to him like building the flat pack furniture, mowing the lawn, fixing anything that broke, hanging pictures, the car. These were all deemed his area of responsibility

When I left and it was just the kids and I, the shock of having to look after them alone 24/7 was overwhelming. Before I was a stay at home mom, now all of a sudden I was responsible for making money for the kids and managing stuff I had never done before.  I was  immobilized with fear but little by little I am expanding my repertoire.

It has been a long  emotional journey dealing with all the feelings around a broken marriage, helping the kids manage their feelings and then the very very long hours I work at night when the kids are asleep so I can grow my little on line business  Earth Babies.  All this has left me rather exhausted ,irritable and drained

 I had never been away from my kids for more than a night in 5 years. I desperately needed not to be a mom for a little while and toyed with the idea of going to Cape Town for a long weekend. My business partner and dear true friend Barbara convinced me to go for a bit longer. So, on 3rd November I left my kids with Barbara and went to Cape Town for a week. I am sure that there are those that will judge me for leaving them to have fun but I feel like a much better mom after having the break. I know that having the break has made me a much better mom. I had time to restore myself a little , have more patience with them and can really enjoy them  now rather than being irritable a lot of the time. I blogged about my  holiday and looking at that picture always make me smile. I was happy to deep inside me there, it restored me.

 I think we all need a break at times, when last did you have one?

by Diane Claire Nauschutz

I’m a 37 years old single mother.  I’ve got the most amazing 10 month old daughter BUT am taking strain at the moment and feel all alone in this parenting thing which is even more compounded considering I have no support from family or friends (my family are scattered across the globe or stay far away and my friends do not have babies; I’m a late bloomer) and most of the invites I get are NOT baby friendly.

I would like to join a group (play group or any form of support group) where I can meet and mingle with mothers in a similar situation to me or even just moms who get together to swop ideas, stories and/or advice.

I’m really hoping that I can find something, as I’m desperate and feeling so alone in this parenting thing and would love some support. Anyone out there have any ideas?