single parents

articles

• My rising little star
• Single mom searches for support
• Taking credit for being a supermom
• How do single parents find romance?
• Christmas without my kids
• Moms need holidays too!!
• Is there support for single moms?
• Deciding to refuse access
• Cleaning Out
• Surviving sport and school as a single mom

by Sheriza Bolton, a single mother of two and a full time worker. Find her on facebook

I have been a single mum for almost 10 years.  It is difficult and challenging to be a parent today and it is even more difficult to raise children alone.  We as parents are often overwhelmed and lacking the parenting skills necessary to do a good job. But good solid parenting has less to do with the number of parents in the home and more to do with the quality of parenting. Whether the single parent household is headed by a mother, father, or a grandparent, raising children alone is an enormous task. I decided that I would be the best I could be as a single mum and give my daughter “a rising star” in the modeling world and a soccer player in the making, a life they deserved.  How do I describe this amazing feeling about my kids, especially my little girl who has brought so much joy to my heart as well as family, friends and our community?

My little daughter had flair for dancing and modelling at the age of 3. The camera loved her and vice versa. I decided to take a chance and said if this is what she wants, then let’s explore it to a professional level. She entered a competition called the Little Miss Fashion Icon, and won. What a big achievement for her at this tender age. She is now involved with a lot of community work and charity campaigns for orphanages and old age homes in our community.  She is currently assisting with the winter warm up campaign for the Maren Mission Children’s Home.  She has had the opportunity to see kids that are less fortunate then her; this has changed her mind about the world. She has now adopted one of the kids and we will be taking care of her by providing her with clothes, food etc every month. I am so proud of her.

I have learnt so much from Tazlyn, the sweetness and spice of little girls, patience and forgiveness as she stretches my tolerance with the sulky attitude of a 6 year old.  Whatever she has chosen to become, I will still feel proud of her simply because she has the key to my heart forever .

A she grows a little day by day, I pray that God lights the path, to guide her on her way.  What I want most for my daughter is that she be able to soar confidently in her own sky, whatever that may be.

This proves that single parents can raise good kids too!

by Tania Smit , mother of 2 children. She who lives alone with her kids, works during the day and wishes she had more time to spend with them.  She recently lost her husband of 13 yrs.

I recently lost my husband, the love of my life and feel as if my world has fallen apart. I need support but don’t know where to find it. Can anyone help?

My husband and I started dating when I was 15 and he was 19 yrs old.  We were married for 13 years and had two beautiful kids, aged 3 and 5.  Lodewyk, my husband was a wonderful father and husband. He loved the kids.

He was diagnosed with cancer in September and passed away in December; 3 days before Christmas and his 43rd birthday.

Now I am struggling and feel so alone. I cannot talk to anyone. I try to keep myself brave for the kids and at work. I think that if I don’t do this, I will just cry all the time.

I feel like I am falling apart. I yell at the kids, out of pure frustration and tiredness. I am so busy with everything that I must now do on my own, that I don’t spend enough time with them and then also feel really bad about this.

They also feel the loss of their dad and I just don’t know how to deal with it.  Please, if anyone out there can help.  My email address is: tanias@cmp.co.za

by Lihle Z Mtshali, the proud mother of a lovely little lady who thinks she’s Beyonce.  She is Business Editor for The Times by day and Supermom every other time. You can also find her on twitter @lihle_z

I AM a Supermom. Yes, I said it. I do an amazing job as a mother and I am proud of it.

Mothers don’t get enough praise for the hard work they do, so I’m laying it on myself thick, thank you very much.

I am a single mother and have raised my now 12-year-old daughter Thando on my own, with a little help here and there. She visits her father on some school holidays, but the day-to-day demands stare me squarely in the face, every day. I have a very demanding full-time career but I come home every evening and make a healthy meal for my little one; chat to her about her day (there is a lot, she’s a pre-teen); check her homework; watch all her favourite TV shows on the Disney Channel and laugh uproariously at the antics of Zack and Cody, Hannah Mantana and the Wizards of Waverly Place; sing along to her Beyonce CDs and practice the dance moves with her; talk about her fears and hear all her secrets before ensuring that she goes to bed on time every night.

I’d love to lie in on weekends, but alas, she has hip-hop dance classes on Saturday mornings, followed by a birthday party or movies almost every weekend. Sundays it’s church and lunch with friends. Then Monday rolls around again and it’s back to ferrying Thando and her BFF to and from school everyday.

I am such a great mom that even Thando’s best friends come to me with all their pre-teen troubles. They can’t speak to their mothers, they tell me. They don’t come to me because I treat them like equals or friends. They still respect me as a mother figure and an adult and I have no qualms about telling them when they are out of line. But I made a conscious decision not to be the unapproachable mother that our mothers were.

I am 33-years-old and engaged but even now can’t talk to my mother about the man in my life. That door was never opened.

I do all that I do in the name of motherhood with all the love in my heart because nothing, absolutely nothing, fills my heart like seeing a smile on my child’s face.

But, I do get tired and fed up. Sometimes I get so frustrated I want to scream. Sometimes I do scream.

I miss Thando terribly when she goes away to Durban, but when I put her on that plane I give a silent cheer for the break I’m getting.

I used to be ridden with guilt when I got these feelings. I felt like, surely if you are a good mother you don’t get tired and frustrated?

Then I started talking to other mothers and found that I was not the odd one out. Phew! I realised then that not only do we all need a break, but it is absolutely necessary and crucial and enables us to function properly in our roles.

We drive ourselves so hard as mothers, single mothers especially, because we don’t want to be the mother that raised Jack the Ripper or even Candy the stripper. Sorry, exotic dancer. We are also very critical of ourselves and forget that although every once in a while we are capable of amazing acts of perfection; we are, in fact, still human.

So, during the Easter holidays while Thando was away frolicking on the beach with her cousins, having chips and ice-cream every day and no vegetables, I got to sit around in my pyjamas until midday on Saturdays. I got to do whatever I wanted; I got to be me, without the Supermom pressure.

I got to write this.

by Brendah Nyakudya,  a single mum to a 4yr old girl. Admittedly not the best cook, but loves exploring the outdoors with her little one. A political and social commentator she has just started a blog As I see it. During the day she works for management consultants in Johannesburg.

Every so often my daughter says “Mommy I am going to marry Ben tomorrow, because he is my boyfriend and he said so”.   Its sweet and I earnestly pray that for her love is indeed that simple.

As a single parent, love and dating are such complicated issues.  On the  one hand I am an easy date because of my hassled lifestyle.  Anything that doesn’t include me cooking and begging someone to eat, far away from the constant cries of “mommy, mommy” would be my idea of a romantic date. So on a bad day, a drive to McDonalds with an adult man, just the two of us would be romantic.

But on the other hand, because I am a single parent, I am the toughest client to please.  People always assume that when someone has a child its harder to get back into the dating game. It’s a correct assumption.  But the mistake they make is thinking the child is the hindrance to them having a social or a love life – the opposite is true, it’s us, the parents, who get in the way.

As a single mom I have become even more cautious and critical when approaching the dating game, because I now have a little life and heart I am responsible for.  I no longer have the luxury to just “kick it” and see how it goes. People say I am too picky but I have to be!  The minute someone shows interest it would be remiss for me as a mother to not gauge how they would be as a parent.  It’s too risky getting attached to someone who cannot connect with your child.

Trust is another big issue because unfortunately the world we live in is cruel and dark. Everyone has read those devastating stories of sexual and physical child abuse at the hands of those we loved, trusted and let into our lives.  How do you protect your child from that?

And that’s not all! Logistical factors also come into play. When do you introduce your child to a “suitor?”  Do you do it early in the game, before you get attached, so you can test it out but risk your child being introduced to lots of different men should it not work out or do you wait until you are sure, which has its own disadvantages should they not get along and you have already fallen in love.

All these things rush through my head the minute someone asks for my number and it may seem psychotic, but it’s my reality and these fears and issues are real and sometimes too daunting to even face for “dinner and a maybe”.

Which would probably explain why this Valentines I will be having dinner and dancing with the love of my life (read: forcing a 4year old to eat and then jumping around to Boogie Beebies).

But I will sleep happy, content and in love.

By Laura-kim single mom, recently divorced with 2 kids and the author of the blog Harrased mom

My ex and I have been split for 3 Christmases. This was the first one the children spent with him.

Christmas is my favourite time of the year. I simply love the magic and spirit of Christmas. To me it is not about the gifts but about love and hope and family. It is a special time for me.

So it was very hard for me when their father confirmed he would be taking them. I knew it would happen. It is only fair. I mean he is their father, he should also be with them around Christmas. I knew my feelings were selfish.

So we packed their bags and sent them off. It was hard.

My boyfriend was also away in Cape Town over Christmas so I decided at the last minute that there was no way I could spend Christmas day without my children and the man I love. I managed to change my flights at the last minute and was in Cape Town for Christmas Eve!

Christmas Day was harder than I thought it would be. It was an exceptionally happy morning. My boyfriend’s nieces and nephews – all teenagers, had so much fun opening their gifts that the house was fulled with excitement and laughter and love. It was very special but I missed my children terrible.

I missed watching them rip open gifts. I missed listening to them laugh and argue and moan.

by Sally Cameron, midwife, mother of 2 and co-owner of earthbabies . I am passionate, creative, trying to be Green unschooling single mom. It’s a journey

 I became a single mom at the beginning of the year when I left my husband after a failed, destructive marriage. Raising 2 small kids alone is a huge challenge and can really leave you feeling more than a little worn out.  My ex husband works on the oil rigs and so would be away for weeks at a time. I got used to being and doing everything myself but  I would still defer things to him like building the flat pack furniture, mowing the lawn, fixing anything that broke, hanging pictures, the car. These were all deemed his area of responsibility

When I left and it was just the kids and I, the shock of having to look after them alone 24/7 was overwhelming. Before I was a stay at home mom, now all of a sudden I was responsible for making money for the kids and managing stuff I had never done before.  I was  immobilized with fear but little by little I am expanding my repertoire.

It has been a long  emotional journey dealing with all the feelings around a broken marriage, helping the kids manage their feelings and then the very very long hours I work at night when the kids are asleep so I can grow my little on line business  Earth Babies.  All this has left me rather exhausted ,irritable and drained

 I had never been away from my kids for more than a night in 5 years. I desperately needed not to be a mom for a little while and toyed with the idea of going to Cape Town for a long weekend. My business partner and dear true friend Barbara convinced me to go for a bit longer. So, on 3rd November I left my kids with Barbara and went to Cape Town for a week. I am sure that there are those that will judge me for leaving them to have fun but I feel like a much better mom after having the break. I know that having the break has made me a much better mom. I had time to restore myself a little , have more patience with them and can really enjoy them  now rather than being irritable a lot of the time. I blogged about my  holiday and looking at that picture always make me smile. I was happy to deep inside me there, it restored me.

 I think we all need a break at times, when last did you have one?

by Diane Claire Nauschutz

I’m a 37 years old single mother.  I’ve got the most amazing 10 month old daughter BUT am taking strain at the moment and feel all alone in this parenting thing which is even more compounded considering I have no support from family or friends (my family are scattered across the globe or stay far away and my friends do not have babies; I’m a late bloomer) and most of the invites I get are NOT baby friendly.

I would like to join a group (play group or any form of support group) where I can meet and mingle with mothers in a similar situation to me or even just moms who get together to swop ideas, stories and/or advice.

I’m really hoping that I can find something, as I’m desperate and feeling so alone in this parenting thing and would love some support. Anyone out there have any ideas?

by Laura-kim, single mom, recently divorced with 2 kids and the author of the blog Harrassed Mom

I left my ex-husband just over 3 years ago. It has been one long constant fight. We have fought over custody, maintenance, money, medical aid and everything in between. We eventually officially got divorced in February this year.

His relationship with his children has been sporadic. He pitches for a few weekends, gets mad with me and then stays away. We have sort of all come to accept it. Kiara was 2 when we left, so her reality of him is his inconsistency.

He seemed to be making a pretty good effort the last few months though. He missed a few weekends but for the most part was fetching them and seemed to want to be involved. I finally thought we had reached a happy medium.

Then the phone call came. He wanted to take Kiara only. He told Kiara this. I heard it over the phone.

Naturally I refused this option. It is not possible to choose one child over the other when you hit a bump in the road with one. I still am not sure of what happened 100% between my son and his father as I only have his version (and he really doesn’t want to talk about it) and bits and pieces from his sister when she is angry with him and tells how she likes it when her dad is mean to Cameron. (she is 5 she doesn’t understand fully what she is saying).

The basics it seems are that they had a fight. My ex behaved unacceptable and treated Cameron badly. He was mean. Did and said some very mean things that a 7 year old doesn’t have the ability to handle.

I was furious. My son was hurt. He didn’t want to see his father. His father didn’t want to see him – which is worse as he is the adult and should know better.

As a result of all that I laid an ultimatum down. Either my ex sort his issues out with Cameron or he doesnt see either of them.

It was probably the hardest thing I have done with regards to visitation. I never wanted to be that mother who keeps the kids from their father. But my kids emotionally well being and physical safety are at risk here. I can not send them into a situation that neither of them are equipped to deal with – I wouldn’t be doing my job then.

As I expected, he has so far, refused to deal with the issues with Cameron.

Its heartbreaking. Cameron has these issues that I can’t resolve because they are not really my issues and I don’t know what happened. Kiara misses her father.  The only ones who suffer here are the children.

 Every few months I clean out my kid’s cupboards and toy boxes.  There are two reasons for this. The first being that we have limited space since we co-habit with my parents and because they out grow a lot of the toys, so before they get totally trashed I try to salvage them and pass them along to friends or family.

This past weekend I decided it was time to do a clean out. Cameron’s room was looking rather tatty and there was lots of stuff that needed to be throw out. Boxes were emptied. Broken toys thrown away. Rusks found in the cupboard eaten (by my daughter). Old toys were re-discovered. Missing items were found.It was most productive. One black bag full of clothes and shoes was set aside for Johanna. A bag of papers was sent for recycling and a second black bag of broken bits and pieces thrown away.The room looked lovely when I was done.

Next on the list was Kiaras room. She thought it would be helpful to tip out every single box she has in her room. She has lots of boxes and lots of little things. I needed to have a glass of wine before I started. It was that daunting. But two hours later, every hair clip, My Little Pony, Barbie, dolls bottle and coloured pen had a home. Blankets were folded. Clothes packed away. Beds were made (yes there is more than one – she has doll beds). Miraculously we found the floor. I had broken out into a sweat – in mid winter. It was no mean feat cleaning my five year olds room.

I discovered a few things during this little cleansing.

We eat out at Spur too much. I threw out 10 Spur money boxes and they each still have 2 in their room with money in and I have one at work.

We have been to the Dr a lot more than I thought. Kiara had 12 plastic medicine measure spoons in amongst her stuff.

My daughter has enough dolls to start her own small country. Complete with furniture, cutlery, utensils and clothes. There shall be no hungry, unclothed kids living there.

We own a lot of blankets. Blankets from when my dad was a baby. Blankets from when I was a baby. When they were babies and now for her babies. There are a lot of blankets.

They each have a pair of sunglasses to match any outfit in any style. Seriously I found about 8 pairs of sunglasses in various colours.

 Posted by :Laura-kim from Harrassed Mom

by Laura-kim from Harrassed Mom

When my kids were in pre-school – life was pretty simple! They did their extra activities during school hours.There were no weekend activities except for the occasional party.

Then we hit Grade one and all that changed!

Most of my son’s activities are done during after care. But the weekend sports have now started. And he is adamant he wants to do Bulletjies rugby now too which is on a Monday at 16h30 – which falls outside of aftercare and is at a different venue.

We have spent four hours at chess and have a 4 hour stint at soccer coming up.

Now the challenge lies in the fact that I am one parent and have two children.

I had no idea what to expect at the chess so took Kiara along but it was unfair to expect her to sit there for that long. But what do you do? I can’t leave Cameron there – he is still too small and it was the first one so we didn’t really know how it all worked! Same thing with the soccer. I can’t just leave him there but have no one to watch Kiara. So she has to come with.

Fortunately, this year she is still in pre-school so I am not juggling 2 kids schedules but next year is going to be fun when they are both doing different activities. I have support in my friends and family but I can’t be palming kids off every weekend – it’s not fair on anyone!

So what do I do? Hope that they manage to clone people in the next 6 months? It’s a constant juggling act. Trying to get it all done and keep everyone happy and get everyone where they are supposed to be on time. And some days it is not easy doing it all on my own.

Then there are the school activities that never coincide. This Friday is dress up for Cameron, next Thursday is baking day for Kiara. Cameron needs money on Wednesday for cake and candy. Kiara needs tuck money on Friday. Parents evening for Cameron at 16h15 on Tues and 17h00 for Kiara on Wednesday.

It never ends. Someone asked me the other day how organised am I. I smiled and thought “dude you have no idea just how organised I am”.