single parents

articles

• 20 things NOT to feel mom guilt about
• Finding a new man – tips for single moms
• Mothers without fathers, a single mom’s story.
• A single mom’s story and search for a local support group
• My rising little star
• Single mom searches for support
• Taking credit for being a supermom
• How do single parents find romance?
• Christmas without my kids
• Moms need holidays too!!
• Deciding to refuse access
• Cleaning Out
• Surviving sport and school as a single mom

by Laura-kim, single mom, recently divorced with 2 kids and the author of the blog Harrassed Mom

I left my ex-husband just over 3 years ago. It has been one long constant fight. We have fought over custody, maintenance, money, medical aid and everything in between. We eventually officially got divorced in February this year.

His relationship with his children has been sporadic. He pitches for a few weekends, gets mad with me and then stays away. We have sort of all come to accept it. Kiara was 2 when we left, so her reality of him is his inconsistency.

He seemed to be making a pretty good effort the last few months though. He missed a few weekends but for the most part was fetching them and seemed to want to be involved. I finally thought we had reached a happy medium.

Then the phone call came. He wanted to take Kiara only. He told Kiara this. I heard it over the phone.

Naturally I refused this option. It is not possible to choose one child over the other when you hit a bump in the road with one. I still am not sure of what happened 100% between my son and his father as I only have his version (and he really doesn’t want to talk about it) and bits and pieces from his sister when she is angry with him and tells how she likes it when her dad is mean to Cameron. (she is 5 she doesn’t understand fully what she is saying).

The basics it seems are that they had a fight. My ex behaved unacceptable and treated Cameron badly. He was mean. Did and said some very mean things that a 7 year old doesn’t have the ability to handle.

I was furious. My son was hurt. He didn’t want to see his father. His father didn’t want to see him – which is worse as he is the adult and should know better.

As a result of all that I laid an ultimatum down. Either my ex sort his issues out with Cameron or he doesnt see either of them.

It was probably the hardest thing I have done with regards to visitation. I never wanted to be that mother who keeps the kids from their father. But my kids emotionally well being and physical safety are at risk here. I can not send them into a situation that neither of them are equipped to deal with – I wouldn’t be doing my job then.

As I expected, he has so far, refused to deal with the issues with Cameron.

Its heartbreaking. Cameron has these issues that I can’t resolve because they are not really my issues and I don’t know what happened. Kiara misses her father.  The only ones who suffer here are the children.

 Every few months I clean out my kid’s cupboards and toy boxes.  There are two reasons for this. The first being that we have limited space since we co-habit with my parents and because they out grow a lot of the toys, so before they get totally trashed I try to salvage them and pass them along to friends or family.

This past weekend I decided it was time to do a clean out. Cameron’s room was looking rather tatty and there was lots of stuff that needed to be throw out. Boxes were emptied. Broken toys thrown away. Rusks found in the cupboard eaten (by my daughter). Old toys were re-discovered. Missing items were found.It was most productive. One black bag full of clothes and shoes was set aside for Johanna. A bag of papers was sent for recycling and a second black bag of broken bits and pieces thrown away.The room looked lovely when I was done.

Next on the list was Kiaras room. She thought it would be helpful to tip out every single box she has in her room. She has lots of boxes and lots of little things. I needed to have a glass of wine before I started. It was that daunting. But two hours later, every hair clip, My Little Pony, Barbie, dolls bottle and coloured pen had a home. Blankets were folded. Clothes packed away. Beds were made (yes there is more than one – she has doll beds). Miraculously we found the floor. I had broken out into a sweat – in mid winter. It was no mean feat cleaning my five year olds room.

I discovered a few things during this little cleansing.

We eat out at Spur too much. I threw out 10 Spur money boxes and they each still have 2 in their room with money in and I have one at work.

We have been to the Dr a lot more than I thought. Kiara had 12 plastic medicine measure spoons in amongst her stuff.

My daughter has enough dolls to start her own small country. Complete with furniture, cutlery, utensils and clothes. There shall be no hungry, unclothed kids living there.

We own a lot of blankets. Blankets from when my dad was a baby. Blankets from when I was a baby. When they were babies and now for her babies. There are a lot of blankets.

They each have a pair of sunglasses to match any outfit in any style. Seriously I found about 8 pairs of sunglasses in various colours.

 Posted by :Laura-kim from Harrassed Mom

by Laura-kim from Harrassed Mom

When my kids were in pre-school – life was pretty simple! They did their extra activities during school hours.There were no weekend activities except for the occasional party.

Then we hit Grade one and all that changed!

Most of my son’s activities are done during after care. But the weekend sports have now started. And he is adamant he wants to do Bulletjies rugby now too which is on a Monday at 16h30 – which falls outside of aftercare and is at a different venue.

We have spent four hours at chess and have a 4 hour stint at soccer coming up.

Now the challenge lies in the fact that I am one parent and have two children.

I had no idea what to expect at the chess so took Kiara along but it was unfair to expect her to sit there for that long. But what do you do? I can’t leave Cameron there – he is still too small and it was the first one so we didn’t really know how it all worked! Same thing with the soccer. I can’t just leave him there but have no one to watch Kiara. So she has to come with.

Fortunately, this year she is still in pre-school so I am not juggling 2 kids schedules but next year is going to be fun when they are both doing different activities. I have support in my friends and family but I can’t be palming kids off every weekend – it’s not fair on anyone!

So what do I do? Hope that they manage to clone people in the next 6 months? It’s a constant juggling act. Trying to get it all done and keep everyone happy and get everyone where they are supposed to be on time. And some days it is not easy doing it all on my own.

Then there are the school activities that never coincide. This Friday is dress up for Cameron, next Thursday is baking day for Kiara. Cameron needs money on Wednesday for cake and candy. Kiara needs tuck money on Friday. Parents evening for Cameron at 16h15 on Tues and 17h00 for Kiara on Wednesday.

It never ends. Someone asked me the other day how organised am I. I smiled and thought “dude you have no idea just how organised I am”.