Who’s raising your children?
by Zelna Lauwrens, founder of Equal Zeal Training, an organisation that specialises in self development programmes for young people and their families. For more information visit Equal Zeal .
Your child is born amidst teddies, new clothes, bouquets of flowers and many visits from excited family and friends…when the hustle and bustle dies down and your happy family returns home from hospital, you are left hoping, praying, and wishing that this child will be an easy one. That your child will cruise through the journey of life without a hitch or a problem. That your child will be different from all the ones that you hear about in the media that make bad choices or are exposed to negative circumstances. That your child will be the one where homework is always done, suitable friends are chosen, manners are good and model behaviour is displayed.
As baby grows steadily and the developmental stages are ticked off one by one, you shower the little soul with so much love and affection that there is no doubt that they will grow up into anything other than your special and gifted child with so much good to offer the world. Then school starts, and so the uphill battle of homework, bullying, pressures of tests, strict teachers and reduced playtime steps in. Your once precious little soul that adored being with mommy and daddy and loved hugs, kisses and piggy back rides now pulls a face at the thought of mom dropping them off at the classroom door. Fights and arguments are reduced to having the latest gadgets and toys and which clothing labels are the best to wear alongside why fast food is way better than vegetables.
Before you know it, your once adorable 6-year old with two front teeth missing turns into a revolting teenager adorned in black clothing and enough piercings to resemble a Christmas tree. Your beautiful daughter insists on wearing skimpy, provocative clothing that relays the message that she is no longer a child. The cheekiness and sullen behaviour steps in and nothing you do is good enough and so the endless cycle of habitual arguing in the household begins.
So what are we debating here? Are the swift changes in technology to blame for a value shift and decline in positive behaviour in our children, or is it the lack of distinct traditional parenting, perhaps we need to look to the media to find a scape goat, or is it the overwhelming toxic influence of alchohol, sex and drugs that are impacting on our children’s precious lives along with not enough exercise, poor diet, role models in the form of singers and scandalous movie stars and crime statistics on the upswing?
We can point fingers, we can allocate blame, we can raise our hands in the air in frustration, but as parents we need to realise that it is reasonable to assume that a generation shaped by this new fast paced world of ours will be different from those who have gone before it.
Albert Einstein said that “Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means.” Let us acknowledge that times are changing and that we need to move with the times rather than stay stuck in the rigid confines of parenting with blinkers on that can sometimes exacerbate problems in our children.
Moms and teens, the agony and the errrrr….agony.
by Joy Robyn Dembo, married, with an 18 year old son and a 25 year old daughter. Addicted to the www, particularly Twitter. Recruitment Response Handling Consultant and Freelance Copywriter, vegetarian and animal lover. Here’s her blog.
I was totally exhausted and exasperated after constantly begging my son to study for his Matric exams! So, when 25 November finally dawned, I was dizzy with elation…Ryan was about to write his absolute FINAL “final”.
When he got home, I sighed with relief, and helped him pack for his first holiday. Like all spoilt brats, he was off on Matric Rage (much like the US Spring Break). Ryan and his buddies (all 6000 of them) were going to rock (wreck?) Umhlanga for two weeks, and then return to base (aka home) for a few days, before jetting off to Cape Town for another two week holiday. I know… life is hard for a Jozi teenager!
I had mixed emotions. I knew I would miss him like hell, but I was also looking forward to having a break from the insanity of exams, registering at college, buying “stuff” for his holiday, booking flights, forking out money…forking out money… and did I mention FORKING OUT MONEY?
Umhlanga wasn’t too bad, as we were also in the Zulu Kingdom for the first week of his stay, and we even saw him ONCE, when he needed a temporary place to “hang out” (long story), but Cape Town was horrendous. Each day, I missed him more. And, when the IEB Matric results came out, and he passed with a University Entrance, I was mortified that I couldn’t hug him and congratulate him, in person.
05 January finally arrived, and as my eyes opened, all I could think about was “My Baby is coming home today”. I told everyone who would listen, including my Twitter buddies, my dogs, and the budgie!
We got to the airport early, had a bite, and when we saw that his flight had landed, we flew (what a marvellous pun) to the domestic Arrivals Terminal. As he emerged through the electronic doors, I sprinted over to meet him, and hugged and kissed him with all the emotion that had been welling up inside me while he was away.
I went to bed happy.
I had told him that he had to get up early on Wednesday morning as we had bought him a new TV, as a “passing Matric gift” and the guy was coming to install it at 10:30. After begging him to get up about 8 times, I lost my cool and threw a tantrum. I was told to “chill” and “stop shouting”. GRRRRRRRRR! I was beginning to wonder whether I was on drugs when I bought him the TV!?
He finally came downstairs, cleaned out the fridge, politely dumped all his dirty dishes in the sink, left the tomato sauce, cheese, salad dressing and a large assortment of other condiments on the table, and parked himself in front of the TV to watch the cricket. He then had a bath, left the bathtub filthy, and dropped his towel on the floor. The coup de grace came when he opened his case, filled with dirty, foul smelling clothes and left it on MY bed!
Thankfully, it’s only 364 days until he goes back to Cape Town, for College Vac!!!
What do teen pageants say?
by Marc Suttner, the winner of our competition
What do teen pageants say?
That if you’re pretty, you’re winner!
If you’re skinny, you’re a winner!
If you’re cute, you’re a winner!
If you can pout your lips and wiggle your bum, you’re a winner!
If your teeth are white and straight and true, you’re a winner!
If you got legs like a racehorse, you’re a winner!
And, if you’re hungry to win, win, win…then you’re a winner!
But, if you are not pretty, not cute, not skinny, not all these things
What are you?
A loser, stupid!
Some freaky stuff at schools… drugs, etc challenge a deeper look
by Reggie Nel, father, husband, wannabe-guitar player for myself, pastor, sports fan (Stormers/WP and the Box) and of course, highly opinionate, blogging at Reggie-I write what I like
I recently, on the spur of the moment, was commanded by my youngest to go to school and listen to the guy speaking on drug-abuse. Well, actually my wife bought a ticket and couldn’t go. So, I had to go and honestly speaking, it was one of those ‘had-to-go’ ones, because ‘the ticket was bought’, etc. It turned out to be quite an informative (if not sobering and thought-provoking) evening with other parents, who probably were there, also because they well…. ‘had to go’.
The speaker walked, like an evangelist, up and down on the stage, had a cap drawn deep into his eyes, and opened with something like… ‘I am an addict and I am currently committing a criminal offence’. It soon dawned on all of us that he had a cigarette in his hand. Later, he dramatically, (maybe not like the evangelist) lit it and took few puffs, illustrating a little story of how he got started. This was but one of the many funny, yet deeply moving stories he shared with us. For most of us, it could have been just another moralistic diatribe making us, as parents feel guilty again.. Fortunately, (*sigh*)I don’t smoke and do those kinds of stuff, but the story of Steve went deeper.
Steven, having worked in schools for many years, was telling us that our children are exposed to drugs on a daily basis and that, up to 80% of high school kids here in Johannesburg are on one or the other kind of drug. He then continued to share anecdotes of how children in ‘our’ primary school, in his morning session, were able to easily debate on which booze was the best; they knew the labels, the tastes and felt it cool to be into these. For him the fundamental problem was that we as parents deny these realities. For us, it is always those kids, that family and never our very own. We would conveniently ‘other-fy’ the drug addict and go on with business as usual. I could however see, over the crowd of parents, many heads going, ‘wow’, ‘eish’, etc.
Here, we were confronted with a reality that we thought was only possible in the media and Hollywood (Beverley Hills 90210, to be exact), or ‘on the other side’.
I work also in Riverlea, where on an annual basis, in our church community I am privileged to have a little group of 6-7 teenagers (15-17 years) in a little ‘bible class.’ Most of the time, in the face of the ire of parents and the church board, we stray too far from talking about the ten commandments and the teachings of the church, to simply talk about sex, drugs and hip-hop or (these days ‘house’). They like to talk and I like to listen. They are clear: their schools are infested with ‘corruption’ (that’s the words they use). Corruption is amongst others, where, on their school yards, now, drugs of all shapes and sizes, are available. Whether it be ‘sugars’ , coke, weed, ‘rocks’, ‘gafief’… whateva, you want it, you can have it. Teachers, in their view, are impotent to deal with this, the police useless, because, according to them they are as corrupt as the ‘merchands’. These young people tell me that they are clean, but it’s a tough-tough world to go out of your house and attend school. The stuff that Steve, is sharing is for real!
I wondered, what lies at the heart of this? Why would young people, want to consciously become ‘throw-away people’? Why would they want to collectively become the prey of highly efficient, highly connected criminal syndicates, bend on selling young bodies at the highest bidder. This, of course is an age-old question. To present drug abuse, and young people, today, as wild, urban folk devils will not adequately deal with the deeper roots of this collective suicide. It simply denies the fact that there might be deeper structural roots, i.e. community and cultural patterns that drive them towards depression, a loss of vision, but also a loss of internal reference points, to chart their way. I think that the current surge of consumerism, where one’s identity is formed by the trappings of wealth, remain one of the key drivers of a loss of community and a morphing of our identities from communally (family) based towards consumer based. This is not an easy matter. In fact, having said this, I would concede that the encroachment of the current world system on families, on our children is much more pervasive and powerful then we think. Perhaps its more powerful than what parents or church communities currently can handle. Its not simply a medical condition to be sorted out by an institution… the roots go deeper in the kind of system where, even church communities, or schools, have become efficient corporations, at the expense of deep community. We are faced with a culture, which prizes boozing and where advertising campaigns have deadened our sensitivities to softer (legal)drugs, in the pursuit of profits, our ultimate human achievement. For those that fell through the cracks, who simply did not fit these categories, or who simply failed to make the system work, the only solution is to become the consumer… to doze off and eventually are consumed by this system.
This talk by Steven was sobering. It lead, at least this parent, to think again, to hope and pray again that his teenagers might not fall prey. It challenged me again to look deeper into our lifestyles and what we hold dear. Perhaps, we all need had-to go experiences, forced upon us, by our children, to challenge us, even as parents, to listen and to be changed.
Help us find the winner of our competition.
We are looking for the best comment on Teenage beauty pageants and need your help to choose. Please write the name of your favourite author in the comments window below and stand a chance of winning an African Cream music CD.
Benazir Goolam
Teen beaty pageants are a great opportunity for young girls to exhibit their self confidence, comunicational skills and of course beauty. It may also be a way of learning how to compete and further their career as young models. Like all competitions however it has it’s negatives. It may have an adverse effect on a young girls confidence and enthusiasm for modelling as well as other pressures in relation to physical appearance.In conclusion I think that there is no harm in entering these competitions If your dream is to be an icon of beauty and help the less fortunate.
Jennie Smith
I have 2 children, one really outgoing and game for everything and one really withdrawn and born with a mild disability. I see daily the effect that competitions etc has on the younger one who cannot take part in much. It makes him withdraw more and more. He would also not get anywhere, even though he is soooo cute, he could be disqualified …
Susan Bellion
I think it takes a lot of courage to get up there in front of a crowd, it does wonders for a childs confidence. A great life lesson is learning that it is not always about winning but doing your best and having fun. As long as it is not taken too seriously then I don’t see anything wrong with it.
Marc Suttner What do teen pageants say?
That if you’re pretty, you’re winner!
If you’re skinny, you’re a winner!
If you’re cute, you’re a winner!
If you can pout your lips and wiggle your bum, you’re a winner!
If your teeth are white and straight and true, you’re a winner!
If you got legs like a racehorse, you’re a winner!
And, if you’re hungry to win, win, win…then you’re a winner!
But, if you are not pretty, not cute, not skinny, not all these things
What are you?
A loser, stupid!
Gina Hoffmann Jacobson
I dont agree with teen pageants. I think the pressure is too much. These young girls have too many regular teenage pressures to deal with, they have school, extra murals, boys (maybe), why add more.
Shakti Maharaj
There are two ways of looking at it and both ways are extreme. Firstly it can bring about a negative impact on a child bringing self esteems down when looking at teen beauty pageants. They start comparing themselves to others and not focusing the good that they have. It can bring a teen so down as they then turn to eating disorders as the want to fit in with the others and be (so called) ‘pretty’ to. The other way of looking at teen beauty pageants as they are a great way of exposing young girls to public speaking and enchance there confidence in themselves which later would lead to a professional career. When I say ‘professional career’ I dont only mean modelling, I mean ehancing confidence skills, social skills, leadership skills and life skills that will assist in ANY career:)
Raaheel Tayob
I believe that people shouldn’t be defined by the way they look. Beauty pageants tend to focus on the superficial aspect of life and not the most important thing, which is character. I think people put too much emphasis on something that’ll eventually disappear.
Hoosein West
I have a daughter that loves to model and it takes great courage to get up on a stage infront of a crowd and at a young age. Kids that are not afraid to express and show their beauty I salute them. It takes guts to walk and smile and talk to the crowd but hey they do it. I also think that it teaches them to set goal and reaching them also they have more self confidence and they learn that it is about socialising and communicating.
I think it is great!
Maggie Fikkert
Positives and negatives can be associated with teen pageants. One could argue that these pageants place even more pressure on a young child, still trying to come to terms with the emotional turmoil of puberty, which may lead to various disorders, including eating disorders. It could even result in decreased confidence, masked by artificial augmentations later throughout their lives. There is a descriptive Afrikaans saying “Vroeg ryp, vroeg vrot”. Conversely, there are countless positive aspects associated with teen pageants, that include invaluable lessons and skills learned and acquired throughout the process. The skills include public speaking, class and etiquette, persistence and confidence that can all be leveraged right through their future careers. In additional to this, most of these pageants are associated with donations and acts of humanity and care for the disadvantaged and less privileged, which typifies the contrast of these extremes; the yin and yang of teen pageants
Talking to Miss SA Teen
by Bronwen Crew a passionate and vibrant owner of The Party Crew, a loving wife , wonderful stepmother to Jack (5)
The Miss SA Teen will take place at Sun City on Saturday September 26th when the reigning queen, Kopano Mocwane, will hand over her crown. I recently had the priviledge of chatting to Kopano. Her vivacious and energetic personality had me wanting to speak to her for hours Despite her obvious beauty, she is articulate, head strong and radiant. This gifted young woman is going places and I intend to follow her on her journey.
Who is Kopano?
Kopano is a bit of an energy bunny actually! I’m also a workaholic – I love to work. I’m a sports freak and a fashion fundi but basically I always like keeping myself busy. I’m heavy on academics but with the Miss Teen SA title I obviously have a lot on my plate.
Can you tell me a little bit about yourself and your background?
I was born and raised in Rustenburg, matriculated last year from Selly Secondary School. I come from a family of five, and have one brother and one sister who are way older than me!
How did you get into modeling and finally enter Miss SA Teen?
My family always wanted me to enter. At first I lost almost every competition but then I found a modelling coach who was also a bit of a life coach and I started winning.
Is this something you have always dreamed of doing?
Yes. At first there was a lot of family pressure, but then when it came to the role of Miss Teen it was everything I wanted. I always knew that by the time I turn 24 or 25, I wanted to be working and I think this has been an ideal platform.
What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?
Spare time? I hardly have any! I love to hang out with friends, go on, picnics, bowling, playing games. We often play games we used to played at school when we were 4 years old or something. The rope thing! Haha!
What is your idea of a trendy party ?
Any party… be it for teens or older people takes great company, great music and a great location! I also love theme parties. For my last birthday party I said I wanted to ‘Paint the town Pink’ and I had everyone wear at least one pink thing… even the guys!” she chuckles. “Anything like a Fairytale and so on…I really love that!
Do you get time to read and if so what are you currently reading?
I’ve been trying to read Spud, but every time I pick up the book I have an exam to revise for, or something. I study quite a lot so it’s usually a study book.
How would you describe a typical day in the life of Kopano?
Typical days don’t exist for me anymore; there is always something new and different. The only thing that stays the same is that I am always busy!
Describe the night you were crowned?
Wow! I think about 10 minutes before the show I was a nervous wreck. Then one minute before it started with all the lights and music, a calm came over me. They started announcing the top 5 finalists. For the first girl you clap all nicely, Yay! The second… Yay! When they called my name it was a huge relief! I was very happy. When I answered the questions I was just so nervous. I had to say to myself, Kopano just calm down and be yourself. Then everything happened in slow motion. It was a huge shock, I started crying … overwhelming.
What are the highlights from this past year as Miss SA Teen ?
I think the night of the pageant, getting to meet my role model Basetsana Kumalo. Then Noleen, I was on her show. I also did some charity work. We went to this orphanage and the kids were amazing. Then two tiny kids, they were the tiniest kids ever, they came up to my knee… gave me a carved heart. I had to leave the room because I started to cry. They motivated me not to complain and to live life to the full, that was the best moment ever!
How did the year affect your schoolwork?
I’m a first year student studying Accounting at Varsity College. If I missed a week of lectures they allowed me to have lectures privately. They have helped so much, so it never really affected me so much.
Are you ready to hand over the crown or could you carry on?
I could! Its going to be a true test of my character. I have used the title to propel me forward,… I now have to put myself forward without the title. Without saying I am Miss SA Teen.
Are there any causes that you feel very strongly about ?
I’ve been trying to spread the word that teenagers should not live recklessly! Teenagers are being killed because of drug overdoses, some in car accidents, some drunken driving. I’ve had 10 friends pass away already. My message is, have fun within your boundaries, you’re risking your life and the lives of your friends.
Why do you think SA has such an alarmingly high teen suicide rate?
Teenagers today face so much pressure in terms of sex and drugs, because these things are so accessible. Then theres the problem of self image. Some teenagers feel they don’t live up to what society expects from them and it leads to suicide.
And how do you suggest we can change this?
We need to bridge the gap between those who are in that situation and a role model who has been there, cares and understands. People need to get closer to teenagers, stop talking on such formal terms.
If you could make one change in our rainbow nation, what would it be?
The way people place material things so highly. They don’t see the inner person; they’re too worried about the outer stuff
What advice do you have for Miss SA Teen entrants?
She should think out the box and beyond. She needs to be unique and not worry what others think, especially within her community, eyes can be piercing. She must have a clear vision, focus and stick to it. Very important have someone close to her. I think my mother was my bestest, bestest best friend ever. She helped me to stay true to myself, be a go-getter and go for the challenge.
Advice for the future Miss SA Teen ?
I don’t know how to say it in English… Wa i mamela! Is what we say in Tshwana. Which means ‘Listen to yourself’… by the time you get to the competition be sure of who you are because as a role model you cannot question yourself.
© Bronwen Crew
Enter our competiton : Tell us what you think about teen pageants and stand a chance to win a Pop Idols Birthday Party from Wired Sound Studios in Johannesburg worth R2500. The best comment win
Looking for activities, parties or therapy for your teenager, visit the for teens section on jozikids.
