values
articles
- Talking to kids about war & natural disasters
- Parenting in a climate of fear
- Caught between a rock and a spooky place
- Using values to raise my kids
- What does the strike teach our kids… that adults can act like children?
- Mommy, why are the whites cross with the blacks?
- A meaty issue
- Talking to our kids about Haiti
- Racist toddler
- What can we teach our children at Christmas?
- Giving at Christmas
Talking to kids about war & natural disasters
by Janice Symons-Bradbury, mom of 5 yr old, passionate about heathy living, counseling psychologist and owner of the Boksburg/Kempton branch of EQual Zeal® .
As a mother of a 5 year old I have a strong desire to protect him from the events of the world in which he lives. My wish is to wrap him in cottonwool and save him from any pain or hardship. But when reality sets in I realise that I would rather provide him with the armour of knowledge than leave him to make uninformed deductions. As we face the onslaught of both the earthquake in Japan and war in Libya, it is essential we talk to our children in a way that is sensitive and age appropriate. Children have a strong sense of the happenings of the world, but they may lack the ability to communicate them effectively.
Some points for consideration:
Provide support for your child by staying aware of their physical and emotional reactions to these events. Children who seem preoccupied or very stressed about war, fighting or terrorism should be evaluated by a qualified mental health professional. Some signs to look out for include: ongoing sleep trouble, persistent upsetting thoughts, fearful images or nightmares, intense fears about death and separation anxiety.
Lets arm our children with the gift of knowledge we all know they deserve it!
Parenting in a climate of fear
by Brendah Nyakudya, a single mum to a 4yr old girl. Admittedly not the best cook, but loves exploring the outdoors with her little one. A political and social commentator she has just started a blog As I see it. During the day she works for management consultants in Johannesburg.
In many parts of the world, when you become a parent your first serious concerns are about whether your baby will develop colic or take to the formula and when they’re older, whether they’ll make friends at school and like their teachers. Once they become teenagers, it’s about peer pressure, drugs, drinking and teen pregnancy.
But living in South Africa these worries are secondary compared to what now keeps me up at night. As parents, the law and powers that be have let us down by failing to create a safe environment that protects us and our children. The freedoms that were fought for in the struggle, have been denied us by criminals who prey on our communities daily – denying us the freedom to enjoy a life without fear.
I have turned into a paranoid parent who looks at everyone with suspicion. No-one is exempt from my distrust. At home I worry whether my nanny can take care of my children without physically abusing them. Around the complex I fear that the maintenance men could harm them. At school my distrust shifts to teachers and fellow pupils. Playing in the park no longer feels safe lest someone tries to abduct or buy one of them. Shopping malls are potential havens for paedophiles and kidnappers. Sleepovers at friends are allowed with such trepidation for who knows what the sexual preference of the host father is? Family is not excused either, for how many times have we read of the uncle that fiddles or in even more disgusting situations, the father that sexually molests their child.
As a parent how do you not give in to all these fears and yet remain vigilant enough in a place where every single situation is potentially dangerous? I wish I knew. Personally I have learnt to trust my gut, and every day try to teach the kids to always be alert , learn to say no and report suspicious behaviour. Helpers and nannies always come recommended with references and we have forged strong friendships with our neighbours who help keep an eye on the children when we are not around. At any given time we know where everyone is and what they are doing…(long may it last). We are teaching the kids to defend themselves physically and over and above all of this, we pray and ask God to protect us every day.
All this might sound extreme but this is the reality of our situation. Ideally I want to wake up in a country where my children need not fear every stranger that comes near them. I want to raise my children in a place where being hospitable and kind will not lead to their harm. I want a day where the village that is supposed to help raise my children is not full of predators that will rape and murder them.
Sadly for us South Africa is not that place and today is not that day.
Caught between a rock and a spooky place
by Kerry Haggard, mother to the two most beautiful boys that ever there were. She’s willing to do pretty much anything for the two little Haggards, but every now and then she does draw the line – and hopes that they will understand why one day. You can follow her on Twitter: @KerryHaggard
When I was growing up, Hallowe’en was a thing we saw on American movies – it was never a big deal in South Africa, probably because our parents were concerned about the security of children wandering around the streets after dark, and because dressing up in black was probably against some apartheid law or other. While I think most parents still have security concerns, the advent of security estates and boomed off areas has created safe pockets for trick or treating – and then of course there’s the business opportunity for everyone from Pick n Pay and Woolworths to China City to make extra income from costumes and themed sweets.
Playschools, crèches, primary schools and communities have Hallowe’en themed parties across the suburbs now, commemorating a Celtic festival (or a selection of festivals, depending on your choice of origin (Halloween background) that they have little knowledge or insight about. Children whose parents have spent a small (or large) amount of money on costumes compete to see who is dressed the best, and who can liberate the largest haul of sweets from willing neighbours. Mostly, the ‘tricking’ is pretty harmless, but those houses who choose not to participate are at risk of the displeasure of mischievous participants.
So why am I particularly ‘omgekrap’ about an extended fancy dress party?
Hallowe’en is not a part of my culture, just as Makar Sankranti, Purim and Hola Mahalla are not part of my culture – and interesting though they are, I don’t celebrate them. Hallowe’en may have been a part of the culture of my Celtic ancestors, but it has never part of my culture as a Christian-raised South African. I don’t see why we celebrate summer’s end at the beginning of our summer (which is one of the backgrounds to Hallowe’en), and seeing as 
we are blessed with electricity these days, we don’t need to consider the intricacies of old fires and new ones.
My children are blessed to want for nothing. They have all the toys they could ever need, they have a warm bed at night, and while I’m sure they would say they could never have enough, they have plenty of sweets and treats to break the monotony of good healthy food!
Yet, each year, the note comes home from playschool – please dress your child up for Hallowe’en*. We see neighbourhoods organizing trick-or-treating – which in my (admittedly rather cynical) point of view is nothing more than door-to-door begging for something that you really don’t need.
So what do I do about Hallowe’en, without making my children the odd one out? Every year, I remember at the last minute that I need to buy a costume of some sort, and I tear out to the nearest shop and make a plan (adding stress to an already pretty full calendar). I put my boys in costumes because I don’t want them to be the only ones in ‘civvies’ at their school, completely left out of the fun of dressing up and shouting ‘BOO!’ at their friends all day (and I will admit – it is fun for them). Peer pressure is a wonderful marketing tool, isn’t it?
But I will not have my children begging for sweets when there are others not so far out there who don’t even have food for one meal a day, never mind three. If that makes me a horrible mother, then so be it.
*In all fairness, it is never an instruction from the schools my boys attend, it is always a request.
Using values to raise my kids
by Jayshree Sita, mom to 2 gorgeous, lively kids, Amishka 9yrs and Vishen 5yrs. She traded the glamorous life of a chartered accountant to become a teacher. She’s also an aspiring writer and artist who is passionate about self-development and keeping her family happy.
I was once again frustrated with my 5 yr old because he did not want to get ready for school, and was wondering how best to get him to co-operate with the early morning routine. I’ve tried many times to have rules that we agree on, as well as incentive plans and punishments. Somehow, none seem to have worked consistently.
I remembered an idea in the Stephen Covey book, “7 Habits of Effective Families”…suggesting we formulate a family vision and mission statement, including a set of family values to guide us.
So, I thought that if we agreed on “punctuality” as a family value, this might work better than the “be on time or else…” philosophy.
I decided to define and agree on values together with my kids. This is what we came up with:
1. Be caring and kind to each other
2. Take care of our things
3. Have fun together
4. Be honest
5. Learn to say sorry
6. Be punctual
7. Share work
8. Respect privacy
9. Everyone gets a turn to talk, and the rest must listen without interrupting
10. Share stories
11. Learning is important
12. Say thank you every day
13. Everyone is unique and special in their own way
I must admit, drawing up this list felt a lot better than drawing up a list of rules. I felt great that my kids agreed to everything on the list- in fact they came up with a lot of it. I also know that agreeing on the values is only half the battle won, living by them will be the challenge.
Bearing in mind that we all learn by experience and not by words, I guess the journey has just begun.
What does the strike teach our kids… that adults can act like children?
by Laura Allmayer, co-founder of Journey2Joy, mom to two little people, compulsive blogger and twitter addict. When she’s not blogging she’s planning baby showers and helping moms prepare for their new babies.
Earlier on today I heard a government spokesman say that schools are urged to sacrifice the September holidays to catch up!
I nearly crashed my car I was so outraged at the audacity of this!
Our children are being intimidated, abused and hauled out of their classrooms and the good old government seems to be doing the bare minimum to protect these children! But they want the CHILDREN to sacrifice their holidays to make up time lost due to decisions made by UNIONS!
Seriously I have a good mind to open water hoses on dear JZ and his gang of merry men!
What lesson are our children being taught by this strike? That when things don’t go their own way they can throw a tantrum, hurt people and it’s ok! That they do not need to consider the big picture and look at how things affect the world at large?
Aren’t these the things we, as parents, try and teach them NOT to do? Don’t we teach them that it is unacceptable to throw a tantrum or punch their sister when they don’t get their own way? Don’t we try and teach them about consequence and how their actions affect others?
I don’t doubt there are government employees who should earn more but then I know of private sector employees who are paid barely minimum wage. We all could do with more but we all don’t fight, destroy and spread destruction.
Something that also fascinates me is that all these people hell bent on fighting the government, all voted for the very self same government and will do so again when next we vote.
Mommy, why are the whites cross with the blacks?
by Marleen Swart, a wife and mother of two kids. Her passions in life are her family, the internet & gaming. She’s the proud owner of Entirelysims. You can find also find her on Twitter.
I am extremely concerned about how the current atmosphere in our country is affecting our children. I can say for sure that what happened with the AWB & ANC, is really affecting my son in more ways than one. He is scared and asking a lot of questions. Questions I find incredibly difficult to answer. He is now 8 years old and in Grade 2.
The questions he is asking are:
1 . Mommy, why are the whites cross with the blacks?
2. Is there going to be a war, mommy?
3. Mommy, I do not want to die in the war, how can we make things right between the people?
He has a black friend who he loves so much and talks about a lot. We have also met him and his parents and my son can’t understand why white people are now cross with black people.
It is very difficult not to watch the news or listen to the radio when he is not present. The headlines in the newspapers and on the lamp posts upset him. Every night when he gets home, he will ask anxiously what is happening and he hears stories from kids at the aftercare center. They say things like “ the blacks are going to kill the whites”. He then gets very scared and upset because he does not want anyone to kill him, us or his black friend.
Since this thing happened last weekend, he sees color. He never referred to anyone as a black man or white woman, no, he referred to them as a woman, man or person.
I do not know how to answer all his questions and would very much appreciate some help. Does anyone have some ideas about how one can explain to children what is going on?
A meaty issue
Kerry Haggard works in corporate communications by day and desperately tries to sleep at night, despite the best efforts of her sons, dogs and her conscience to prevent her from doing so. Thankfully, her husband has learned the hard way to let sleeping Kerrys lie… Follow her on Twitter @KerryHaggard
Daniel (aged four and a half) and I were chatting over breakfast yesterday morning. “Where does meat come from, Mommy?” he asked. “From animals,” I said, hoping that that would be the end of that train of thought. Not so. “But how do the animals make meat?” he persisted? “Do cows make chicken?”
“No – chickens make chicken, and cows make beef,” I said. “What about horses?” was the next question – and after confirming that we definitely don’t eat horse, I quickly changed the subject, desperate to postpone the moment when I have to tell my animal-loving little boy that we kill animals to eat them … that the kind animals don’t just donate chunks of their flesh for us to consume, before they move on to the next pasture.
But it got me thinking (and I know there are vegetarians and vegans out there who will snort and say “It took you THIS long?). As a South African brought up in a braaing culture, where meat has been my primary source of protein since I can remember, the whole notion of where it actually comes from has kind of been absorbed into my psyche. I make good decisions about the meat that I buy – grass-fed beef and free range chicken, for example, but the fact remains that living creatures have to die for me and my family to eat them. How do I explain this to my little boy, without him thinking that I’m a complete monster for sanctioning the mass slaughter of cows, sheep, pigs and chickens?
Law of the jungle perhaps – our teeth classify us as omnivores, so we are just following what nature has set us up to do, surely? Or is it time to convince my whole household (we are seven now, including Thandi, my domestic goddess and my father-in-law whose given name is Johannes), that it’s time to ditch their meat-loving heritage and become vegetarian?
Talking to our kids about Haiti
Bontle Shadi Makgwa, a single mother of twin Todd’s… 6 in July plus carer of 3 siblings going through varsity and high school. Aware and grateful for what she has, feels priviledged and believes this also brings responsibility
As a ‘Jozikids’ Mom, I was very disturbed by the disaster that occurred in Haiti and just felt the pain 
that those children affected could be feeling as they now have no mother, father, sibling, friend or guardian anymore. I got home after looking at the pictures I downloaded from the internet, after having shared them with my colleagues at work, I showed them to others so that they could see and understand. I explained to them what had happened and asked if they could pray with me for all those little children, just like them , in the hope that they could one day be happy little ones.
My pledge is: to all the other mothers around South Africa to show or explain to your children what is going on there, make them aware how blessed they are, teach them to be grateful (no matter how young they are, the sooner they learn, the better) and a thought in prayer from a little one here at home can make another little child in Haiti have a chance in hope.
My deepest prayers and thoughts.
Racist toddler
by Brendah Nyakudya, a single mum to a 4yr old girl. Admittedly not the best cook, but loves exploring the outdoors with her little one. A political and social commentator she has just started a blog As I see it. During the day she works for management consultants in Johannesburg
When we picked a nursery school for our 4 year old daughter, racial percentages of the kids in the school wasn’t an issue. It was a highly recommended school and close to home, so it made sense for her to go there.
The fact that she is one of 3 black kids in the class also didn’t bother me until one Saturday morning when she woke me up with the statement “Mommy I don’t like brown people except for my family, I only like white people”. Obviously this shook me right out of my reverie of sleeping in and uninterrupted showers. I hesitantly asked “Why don’t you like brown people?” to which she responded “They are boring and they make me upset”. I try to make light of the situation and say “But sweetheart, brown is beautiful and it’s the colour of chocolate. We like chocolate don’t we?” Her response? “No, I like white marshmallows.”
So here I am sitting in my bedroom faced by my little racist toddler at a complete loss as to what to do or say thinking this child needs Jesus, but little things start to make sense e.g. how she wants me to make her hair “like Sally*”, she prefers Barbie to her darker counterparts and how she is always more comfortable around white people than around “brown” people.
I then had the talk with her about the fact that no skin colour is better than any other colour and that brown is beautiful. She eventually said “I like brown people Mommy” but I am not convinced she is convinced. Could it be that being part of the minority has made her hate who she is? Was it something one of the kids said? How does a parent deal with this? Any ideas welcome.
P.S. In the meantime I am making sure she doesn’t end up with my friend’s son the homophobe.
*names changed to protect the innocent
What can we teach our children at Christmas?
by Philippa Cross who would rather be outdoors than in, alone than in a crowd. She prefers dogs to cats, with a major leaning towards bulldogs. She hopes to win the Pulitzer prize for her yet unpublished novel. She started Thumb Media with a partner in June 2009
December the 25th is known and celebrated throughout the world as Christmas Day. While it may be essentially a Christian Holy day, the message that it represents to the world is one that every religion can relate to, and one that you can use to talk to your children about what Christmas teaches us about God.
I believe that Christmas is a Holy day to be celebrated. For you, that may not necessarily be the story of the virgin birth of Jesus in Bethlehem. But it is still an opportunity for you to talk to your children about God and his role on Earth.
Christmas is a day when we can acknowledge a God of one description or another, and we can acknowledge his intervention on earth, and in our lives. We celebrate our creator, our creation and our faith, whatever that may be, and we share it with our children. But most importantly, on Christmas day, we celebrate our humanity.
This year, why not use Christmas day to tell your children that there’s more to this gaudy shopping celebration than meets the eye. There’s something beyond the fat man in the completely impractical red outfit. Talk to them about the symbolism behind the customs and traditions of Christmas which we now observe.
Your Christmas tree, if you have one, may have a star or an Angel right at the top. The star is a heavenly sign of promise. In the Christmas story it had a practical use. Because they believed it was a sign from God, the wise men followed it for months and months, and it lead them from the east all the way to Bethlehem. Today it is a reminder that God keeps his promises.
The Angel reminds us of the role the Angels played in the Christmas story. It was Angels who almost scared the shepherds half to death when they appeared in the middle of the night to tell them to hurry to Bethlehem. Today, we celebrate that Angels are here still, keeping watch over us.
Christmas day is a chance for us to be more than just people in our own home in our own street in our own country. It’s a chance for us to join together and celebrate being human, and share the vision of every human being. Christmas day is a chance for us to share with our children the message the Angels brought to the shepherds in the fields of Israel:
“Glory to God in the highest, Peace on Earth, and Goodwill to all men.”
