How do single parents find romance?
by Brendah Nyakudya, a single mum to a 4yr old girl. Admittedly not the best cook, but loves exploring the outdoors with her little one. A political and social commentator she has just started a blog As I see it. During the day she works for management consultants in Johannesburg.
Every so often my daughter says “Mommy I am going to marry Ben tomorrow, because he is my boyfriend and he said so”. Its sweet and I earnestly pray that for her love is indeed that simple.
As a single parent, love and dating are such complicated issues. On the one hand I am an easy date because of my hassled lifestyle. Anything that doesn’t include me cooking and begging someone to eat, far away from the constant cries of “mommy, mommy” would be my idea of a romantic date. So on a bad day, a drive to McDonalds with an adult man, just the two of us would be romantic.
But on the other hand, because I am a single parent, I am the toughest client to please. People always assume that when someone has a child its harder to get back into the dating game. It’s a correct assumption. But the mistake they make is thinking the child is the hindrance to them having a social or a love life – the opposite is true, it’s us, the parents, who get in the way.
As a single mom I have become even more cautious and critical when approaching the dating game, because I now have a little life and heart I am responsible for. I no longer have the luxury to just “kick it” and see how it goes. People say I am too picky but I have to be! The minute someone shows interest it would be remiss for me as a mother to not gauge how they would be as a parent. It’s too risky getting attached to someone who cannot connect with your child.
Trust is another big issue because unfortunately the world we live in is cruel and dark. Everyone has read those devastating stories of sexual and physical child abuse at the hands of those we loved, trusted and let into our lives. How do you protect your child from that?
And that’s not all! Logistical factors also come into play. When do you introduce your child to a “suitor?” Do you do it early in the game, before you get attached, so you can test it out but risk your child being introduced to lots of different men should it not work out or do you wait until you are sure, which has its own disadvantages should they not get along and you have already fallen in love.
All these things rush through my head the minute someone asks for my number and it may seem psychotic, but it’s my reality and these fears and issues are real and sometimes too daunting to even face for “dinner and a maybe”.
Which would probably explain why this Valentines I will be having dinner and dancing with the love of my life (read: forcing a 4year old to eat and then jumping around to Boogie Beebies).
But I will sleep happy, content and in love.
After the storm
by Kojo Baffoe a man, a father, a son, a brother, a husband, a friend, a poet, a writer on a quest to make sense of this reality, with words. Author of Evolutionary
We had it all figured out. From the wedding to first child, we had had a solid five years to find the place and our rhythm. Our life together operated like a well-oiled machine. We did not have to think about it. Everything had its place and its time. Weekends we would often curl up on the couch, under a shared blanket and watch movies – well, I’d watch the movies and she would sleep – or we would go out for dinner to some of our favourite restaurants. In fact, once a month, the missus would identify a new restaurant and we would invite friends to join us to test it out.
Also, whenever we could, especially around our anniversary, we would go off to some quaint self-catering or bed and breakfast for some rest and recreation. We’d book spa treatments and spend the rest of the day in bed, braai in the evenings with each other, wine and good music for company. Yup. We had this whole marriage game down to a science.
While exciting and frightening, even the pregnancy period was relatively straight forward. The third party in our relationship went where the wife went so we maintained the dinners and the like. To that we added a regular visit to the gynae and, as the time drew closer, antenatal classes.
And, in a short, amazing moment, all of that changed. People tell you but I don’t think it really sinks in until it actually happens. A baby consumes ALL of your life. A spanner in the works does not quite capture how brutal and how extreme the change is; life-changing, amazing and wonderfully profound but still brutal. We were barely keeping our head above water.
Also, because the bulk of our families live in different cities from us, we couldn’t always drop him off for a break. And, while we had a great nanny, one of us always had to be there to ‘babysit’. We also discovered new dimensions to each other … we were now parents in addition to husband and wife. And Kweku demanded the attention and, at two and a half, still demands it.
How do we maintain romance in our relationship after the birth of our child? I don’t know. I don’t know if we even maintain it. We are still working our way through it. We have tried different things, including the infrequent coffee date or dinner date. Now that Kweku is older, it is easier (for us) to leave him and go out in the evening. Sometimes we get it right. Only sometimes. But, we do realise that we were before he was and therefore we cannot lose sight of us, no matter how blessed we are to have him.
Making time for 2 when you are 3
By Gina Jacobson, a mom, a leo. She works for a non-profit organisation, is a procrastinator, loves sci-fi, sushi, good books and scrabble.Her blog is made up of A Bit of This a Bit of That.
With our 4th wedding anniversary coming up followed very closely by Valentine’s day I have been very busy thinking up ways to make that weekend romantic and intimate for Paul and I. It’s also made me think about how often (or not so often) we get ‘lone’ time.
One of the ways we ensure that we don’t go stark raving ‘TellieTubbies-Tweenies-MeToo-BoogieBeebies-GetSquiggling’ mad is by getting my mom to have Aaron over for a sleep over every 2nd or 3rd Saturday night. We spend that time relaxing by watching TV or going to see a movie or spending time with our friends.
I think we do need to make better use of that time by going out for dinner just the two of us, you know, the whole spiel, candles, wine, and dessert.
Another idea that recently came up is going out of town for a long weekend. When Paul mentioned going to Cape Town our first thought was child-friendly accommodation. Then I though to myself, well, maybe its time for Aaron to have an extended sleep over, 2 nights with his nana?
Just imagine 3 days, 2 nights, child free in another city…
It would be like having a mini honeymoon. It doesn’t even have to be in Cape Town, it could be in Magaliesburg or some place else that’s only a few hours away.
I also think that part of the fun is making the plans to spend ‘lone’ time together, the anticipation and excitement.
So, while I go and start making these ideas happen, tell me what you do to make time for yourselves…
