Posts Tagged ‘motherhood’

by Tiffany Markman, who is mom to a delicious one-year-old, a book reviewer and a freelance copywriter, editor and writing trainer who tries to balance her workaholic tendencies with addictions to smooching her toddler, salacious non-fiction, caffeine, her iPhone and more. Follow Tiffany’s tongue-in-cheekery on twitter.

There’s a lot of contention in the mommy community. Breast-feeders vs bottle-feeders. C-sectioners vs natural-birthers. But perhaps the biggest chasm, and the one we tend to get tense about, is: working mommies vs stay-at-home mommies.

This is a letter to a stay-at-home mom, from me, a working mom. And I’m going to say something that isn’t said often enough – certainly not in public:

Dear Home Mommy,

I couldn’t do what you do.

You have my respect. I know people say, tritely, that motherhood is the hardest job of all. Blah blah. It’s always people who a) don’t have kids and are trying to make you feel better about the Jungle Oats on your sunglasses or b) were parents so long ago that their sanctimony isn’t helpful. I’m neither of those. I’m a mommy who loves her kid to distraction – and values our precious two hours together morning and evening during the week – but I still couldn’t be an 8am-5pm largely-solo mommy.

Because:

1. Motherhood can be BORING

The repetitiveness of it. Wake, change, feed, dress, change, feed, nap, change, feed, nap, change, feed, bath, sleep. Yes, there’s playing, cuddling, fun and activities in between, but yikes. It’s the same every day. Even on Sundays. At work, I do different stuff every day. Different people irritate me. And on weekends, there’s a different, kiddie-led routine. The only constant is the coffee.

2. Motherhood can be LONELY

I have a friend who spends all day with her daughter. The little girl is clever, pretty and full of personality. But she’s ONE. There are limits to the conversations you can have with a one-year-old. Especially when you need advice. Or change for parking. Or someone to take a flipping message. At work, I talk to (mostly) interesting and intelligent grown-ups. Yes, there’s social media for support if you’re at home, but at work you don’t even have to try.

3. Motherhood is NON-STOP

The relentlessness of it. There are no breaks. Nap-time doesn’t count. (Because that’s when you wee. Answer emails. Brush your teeth.) At work, even when I’m heading for a deadline and you can’t see my pretty nail-polish for the blur, I’ll stop every few hours for a snack, a coffee, a chat, or a trawl through Pinterest. When I feel like it.

4. Motherhood is MISUNDERSTOOD

South African stay-at-home moms have (at least some) help. It’s not like Europe or the States – I don’t know how those brave souls have any kids at all – so you’re seldom obliged to become passionately intimate with the vacuum cleaner.

But that doesn’t make full-time mothering less demanding, especially when people treat you like you’re constantly ‘on holiday’/‘free all day’, like you’re too stupid or lazy to work, or like your husband’s so obscenely wealthy that you don’t have to.

Bottom line? I work because I love it, because very few families can live comfortably on one salary these days, and because I simply don’t have what it takes to be a stay-at-home mom. In that order. My hat’s off to you.

Love,

Working Mommy

P.S. This letter requires a Part II. Look out for the next installment: a letter of congratulation from me, a work-from-home mommy, to a corporate mommy.

Jayshree Sita, mom to 2 gorgeous, lively kids, Amishka 9yrs and Vishen  5yrs.  She traded the glamorous life of a chartered accountant to become a teacher. She’s also an aspiring writer and artist who is passionate about self-development and keeping her family happy.

If I die today, I ask myself

Have I given my children enough love ?

Have I laughed with them and cuddled them?

Have I shared some of my life’s lessons?

Have I given them strength

To face the world with courage?

Have I shared my values

so that they know what is important to me?

Have I taught them to question

and make sense of the world in their own way?

Have I introduced them

to the wonders of nature

that so inspire me

and bring joy to my heart

and to all the other things that make my spirit soar?

Have I encouraged them to be true to themselves

and follow their own path in life?

Have I allowed them the freedom

to explore and have adventures

to taste the juice and passion of life?

Have I given them the space to fall

and pick themselves up?

Have I been there

to nurture them, comfort them,

sing with them, dance with them?

Have I been true to myself

So that they learn not from what I say, but what I do?

Have I been a good mother

on my own terms?

Jayshree Sita   10 Sep 2010

by Gerrard Foster a son, brother, grandchild, great grandchild, friend and facilitator. Trying to leave this earth better than what he found it, one day, one person at a time. Marketing and Business Director for Youth Dynamix and various other associations. Find him on twitter.

One the greatest challenges I’ve ever had is to encapsulate the meaning of my mother in 500 words or less. because even though I was birthed by one mother, Charlene Foster, I’ve been blessed by the love of several others

Up until October 2008, I could always boast that I had 3 mothers . There was my Mom, Charlene; Grandmother Maude and Great Grandmother, Gertrude. These 3 women have formed and nurtured various parts of my character and personality in many ways. My mom is responsible for  much of my professional journey, my passion for the arts, connecting people and nurturing the youth.  My grandmother, a former teacher , was a friend, confidant and disciplinarian. My great grandmother, also a teacher and the matriarch of the family was my moral compass and personified link to God. Even in her absence, I still hear her voice humming her favourite hymns at the crack of dawn or her reassurance that God will get us through any trial or tribulation because “If HE brought you to it, HE will bring you through it”.

Mothers are truly The Gift that continues to give. Nothing compares to a mother’s love. I grew up without my biological father and unfortunately for him, by the time he connected with me, it was too late because the love I had from my mothers was so complete that I never regretted not having his or even missing it.

A Mother is LOVE. LOVE is Life Orientation Value Experience. Sadly, we sometimes do not see it or appreciate it because through it all, our mothers often ask for so little, receive less

In this fast paced world with so many challenges and conflicts, Mothers are our solace, our refuge and in so many ways, our life source. It’s no coincidence that the planet we live on is called Mother Earth

To all Mothers, thank you for your Love, thank you for your sacrifice. To the single moms, the adoptive moms, the moms who stay with abusive dads, the HIV positive moms, the chronically ill moms, the professional corporate ladder climbing moms, the traditional moms, the grandma’s and the great grandma’s, the teenage moms, the trying to make ends meet but my kid never sleeps hungry moms – I salute you. To the brothers, let us remember that if it were not for our sisters, there would be no misters and if it were not for our mothers, there would be no brothers. So let us respect all women because they are all important in our lives and all potentially, and most eventually, Mothers. The greatest gift you can give her is LOVE.

by Sally Cameron, midwife, mother of 2 and co-owner of earthbabies . I am passionate, creative, trying to be Green unschooling single mom. It’s a journey

Being a mother is a life changing role that nothing can prepare you for, no matter how much you read, or plan, or try to get mentally ready for.

Perhaps the biggest part that we are ill prepared for, more than the sleepless nights and the change in routine, is two emotions that no one really talks about; guilt and doubt.

It does not matter how competent you were at any job, or the high powered position you may have held, or how confident you were, parenting is a job where the stakes are higher than anything you will ever have done before, or will do again, and the worst part, is that there is no manual. Sure  there are plenty of how to books, with all sorts of ideas, but the small people we get, are each individual, unique and different to any other child, so any manual is at best a guess, and may not suit you or your child’s temperament.

The best option you have, is to find what seems to work for you and your child or what you believe is right. Then you land up defending this method to all others because the outcome is so important. You can’t be wrong because then your child’s future is at stake. And while you will defend what you do, to the death, the doubt will gnaw at you in the quiet moments –“ have I really got it right?” If you are right then they should turn out okay, and if not then others will look at you and shake their heads and say; you were too strict or too lenient, too permissive or too dominant, you crushed their spirits or you let them run wild, you worked or you stayed at home.

I do not think we all need to parent in the same way but we need to acknowledge  that at best we are all guessing and trying to get it right. Maybe if we defend less and share our insecurities more we may be able to learn more from each other and grow as parents, rather than tear each other apart by defending what we do, tooth and nail.

This Mothers Day, add a healthy dose of ‘cutting-yourself-some-slack’ and go out and enjoy the things that make this job, no matter the difficulties, one of the best and most rewarding things you will ever do. Shelve the guilt, ignore the doubt and revel in the joy, those pesky emotions will be there waiting for you again on Monday…

Happy Mother’s Day.

By Jacqui Janse van Rensburg who has lived in Johannesburg all her life. In her 42 years she has been a daughter, a sister, a wife, a girlfriend, an employee and is a CFO, but at last she can celebrate being a MOMMY! You can find her on twitter @JaxJvR

It took us 6 years of tears and agony to finally have a baby at home in a crib, but it is 6 years I would gladly do again. Every night I go into Matthew’s room and I am taken aback as to how beautiful, how perfect he is! My chest swells, and I feel my ribs will break as my heart fills my chest with the love I have for this little person.

In his (almost) 3 years of being my son, never a day has gone by that he hasn’t made me laugh out loud! He amazes me with his knowledge and complete innocence, not to mention his mischievous sense of humor.

For example, we don’t smack in our house, instead we have a “naughty chair”. And although he doesn’t spend much time in it, he certainly knows what it is for. Yesterday morning I caught him throwing spoons full of cereal at one of the cats! “Matthew! Don’t throw food! That’s naughty!” says a very stern Mommy! And in a flash Matthew turns to me and says, “Don’t shout at me! Go sit on the naughty chair!” Of course, I tried very hard to keep a straight face, but I just burst out laughing! The cereal was abandoned to the happy cat, and Mom and Matthew went off to bounce on the bed together instead.

It is also so wonderful to be able to sing “Bob the Builder” at the top of your voice while doing shopping on a Saturday morning, and no one calls the paddy wagon, or even looks at you twice! Why? ‘cause when you have a kid in the trolley, you get to be a kid again yourself!

And so tonight, I will go tuck him in before I go to bed myself, and once again I will give thanks to God for blessing me with this little Miracle Angel that he has loaned to me, so that someone can call me “Mommy”

Thank you.

Mommy

by Laura Allmayer,   co-founder of Journey2Joy, mom to two little people, compulsive blogger and twitter addict. When she’s not blogging  she’s planning baby showers and helping moms prepare for their new babies.

“Being a mother is NOT about being a martyr and giving up everything that makes you happy. It is NOT about sacrificing your own identity to that of your children. It is NOT about being oppressed and unhappy”
from Sleepless Night by  Veronica Foale

This statement, for me, is one of the most profound statements I have read on motherhood. It is also one that few mothers understand.

I recently joined a group of moms mainly to try and build up a new network of people. But within a week of trying to participate I actually couldn’t do it anymore. It is also the same reason I left a parenting forum I was part of.

I am a mother and as a mother my children do come first but not at the expense of who I am as a person.

I personally do not see the value in the breastfeeding vs. bottle and Caesar vs. natural debates that ultimately end in harsh words and unfair judgment! I had two Caesars and did not enjoy breastfeeding at all so did it for a very short time and not exclusively! SO WHAT? How does that affect anyone else’s child? I made the decision and I will deal with any consequences of it! If and when a new mom asks for my opinion I will give them just that – my opinion of what worked well for me and my children.

My opinion is not gospel. It’s not necessarily right nor is it what I expect you to do. I rarely justify my decisions but I do find that when I am around other mothers I often feel I should justify why my kids eat cake for breakfast and both still have a sports bottle at night! It annoys me no end.

Parenting is scary and even if you follow the crowd there is a strong chance you will still get it wrong. There is nothing like a screaming newborn or a tantruming toddler to bring a grown person to their knees in a ball of insecure misery! If you have a child you have been there! So why not trust yourself and follow your instinct and to hell with everyone else.

When 2 or more mothers find themselves in a space together its like they loose all sense of self and turn into competitive freaks who think by giving up their happiness they are ensuring their kids happiness. This is in fact the exact opposite.

A friend of mine tells me often that the only way kids learn is through what they see. If a child sees its parents functioning as whole people, having interests and hobbies and activities outside of them – they will learn to balance their lives. When a child sees their parents devoting time to each other – they will learn to do the same with their partner.

You can not teach a child to be happy – you have to be happy!

So this mothers day be happy! Enjoy your child as they are. Leave the house as it is. Put away your boobs, bottles, flash cards and Baby Whisperer and just laugh a little bit!

by Lihle Z Mtshali, the proud mother of a lovely little lady who thinks she’s Beyonce.  She is Business Editor for The Times by day and Supermom every other time. You can also find her on twitter @lihle_z

I AM a Supermom. Yes, I said it. I do an amazing job as a mother and I am proud of it.

Mothers don’t get enough praise for the hard work they do, so I’m laying it on myself thick, thank you very much.

I am a single mother and have raised my now 12-year-old daughter Thando on my own, with a little help here and there. She visits her father on some school holidays, but the day-to-day demands stare me squarely in the face, every day. I have a very demanding full-time career but I come home every evening and make a healthy meal for my little one; chat to her about her day (there is a lot, she’s a pre-teen); check her homework; watch all her favourite TV shows on the Disney Channel and laugh uproariously at the antics of Zack and Cody, Hannah Mantana and the Wizards of Waverly Place; sing along to her Beyonce CDs and practice the dance moves with her; talk about her fears and hear all her secrets before ensuring that she goes to bed on time every night.

I’d love to lie in on weekends, but alas, she has hip-hop dance classes on Saturday mornings, followed by a birthday party or movies almost every weekend. Sundays it’s church and lunch with friends. Then Monday rolls around again and it’s back to ferrying Thando and her BFF to and from school everyday.

I am such a great mom that even Thando’s best friends come to me with all their pre-teen troubles. They can’t speak to their mothers, they tell me. They don’t come to me because I treat them like equals or friends. They still respect me as a mother figure and an adult and I have no qualms about telling them when they are out of line. But I made a conscious decision not to be the unapproachable mother that our mothers were.

I am 33-years-old and engaged but even now can’t talk to my mother about the man in my life. That door was never opened.

I do all that I do in the name of motherhood with all the love in my heart because nothing, absolutely nothing, fills my heart like seeing a smile on my child’s face.

But, I do get tired and fed up. Sometimes I get so frustrated I want to scream. Sometimes I do scream.

I miss Thando terribly when she goes away to Durban, but when I put her on that plane I give a silent cheer for the break I’m getting.

I used to be ridden with guilt when I got these feelings. I felt like, surely if you are a good mother you don’t get tired and frustrated?

Then I started talking to other mothers and found that I was not the odd one out. Phew! I realised then that not only do we all need a break, but it is absolutely necessary and crucial and enables us to function properly in our roles.

We drive ourselves so hard as mothers, single mothers especially, because we don’t want to be the mother that raised Jack the Ripper or even Candy the stripper. Sorry, exotic dancer. We are also very critical of ourselves and forget that although every once in a while we are capable of amazing acts of perfection; we are, in fact, still human.

So, during the Easter holidays while Thando was away frolicking on the beach with her cousins, having chips and ice-cream every day and no vegetables, I got to sit around in my pyjamas until midday on Saturdays. I got to do whatever I wanted; I got to be me, without the Supermom pressure.

I got to write this.