I am most probably the worst, yet the best person to ask about dating and relationships as a single mom.  Worst because I am still single after many a failed relationship, and best because I have learnt some very hard lessons in my search for a life partner.

The truth is Love comes from within, it is not an external object which is to be found somewhere out there in the world.  It starts with real self love! If you cannot accept yourself for who you are exactly, now in this moment, then your love cannot extend to others.

When we open our hearts to love, we become vulnerable. It is therefore important to set some boundaries in this regard, not only to protect our own hearts, but more importantly to protect our kids.  Remember that their view of relationships starts at home. I have to admit that I have not been the example I always wanted to be for my kids. So finally at 38 and after  another abusive relationship last year I decided to play a more active role by doing the following:

1. REFLECTION: Reflecting on all of your relationships with specific focus on your failed relationships.  Determining the real issues and LETTING GO through forgiveness! The most challenging action for me was to forgive myself completely for allowing wrong people into my own and my kids’ lives.

2. VISION: Spend time dreaming of your perfect life partner.  Write down the qualities you need and want in a life partner, and very importantly, a role model for your kids.  It is necessary to distinguish between ‘must haves’ and ‘nice to haves’.  This piece of paper (mine is a flipchart page stuck on my wall) is a living piece of paper. As your own outlook on relationships evolves, you can and must adjust this profile.

3. SEARCH AND FIND and DATING: Make the time and infiltrate the right networks. Remember that ‘dating’ is not a relationship. Real relationship ‘dating’ involves two people who get to know each other without the involvement of romantic intimacy or sex.  By bringing sex  into your ‘dating’ process too early, you are allowing it to drive your relationship, and the foundation of the solid relationship is tainted. Only involve your kids when you are sure that the dating process will evolve to a real relationship based on your ‘must have’ criteria.

4. DO NOT COMPROMISE THE MUST HAVE’S: or you will continue to draw in men who will be unreliable in offering you what you require as a woman and as a mother.  Understand that the blame will be all yours, resulting in more heart break, healing time and letting go.

I wish you all a very blessed time to reflect on your relationships, the impact this has had on your life as a single mom, as well as your kids’ view on relationships – it can have a profound effect on their future.

by Brendah Nyakudya,  a single mum to a 4yr old girl. Admittedly not the best cook, but loves exploring the outdoors with her little one. A political and social commentator she has just started a blog As I see it.

Every so often my daughter says “Mommy I am going to marry Ben tomorrow, because he is my boyfriend and he said so”.   Its sweet and I earnestly pray that for her love is indeed that simple.

As a single parent, love and dating are such complicated issues.  On the  one hand I am an easy date because of my hassled lifestyle.  Anything that doesn’t include me cooking and begging someone to eat, far away from the constant cries of “mommy, mommy” would be my idea of a romantic date. So on a bad day, a drive to McDonalds with an adult man, just the two of us would be romantic.

But on the other hand, because I am a single parent, I am the toughest client to please.  People always assume that when someone has a child its harder to get back into the dating game. It’s a correct assumption.  But the mistake they make is thinking the child is the hindrance to them having a social or a love life – the opposite is true, it’s us, the parents, who get in the way.

As a single mom I have become even more cautious and critical when approaching the dating game, because I now have a little life and heart I am responsible for.  I no longer have the luxury to just “kick it” and see how it goes. People say I am too picky but I have to be!  The minute someone shows interest it would be remiss for me as a mother to not gauge how they would be as a parent.  It’s too risky getting attached to someone who cannot connect with your child.

Trust is another big issue because unfortunately the world we live in is cruel and dark. Everyone has read those devastating stories of sexual and physical child abuse at the hands of those we loved, trusted and let into our lives.  How do you protect your child from that?

And that’s not all! Logistical factors also come into play. When do you introduce your child to a “suitor?”  Do you do it early in the game, before you get attached, so you can test it out but risk your child being introduced to lots of different men should it not work out or do you wait until you are sure, which has its own disadvantages should they not get along and you have already fallen in love.

All these things rush through my head the minute someone asks for my number and it may seem psychotic, but it’s my reality and these fears and issues are real and sometimes too daunting to even face for “dinner and a maybe”.

Which would probably explain why this Valentines I will be having dinner and dancing with the love of my life (read: forcing a 4year old to eat and then jumping around to Boogie Beebies).

But I will sleep happy, content and in love.